


The Other Side of The Mirror

by TGPretender (TGP)



Series: The Other Side [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Afterlife, Aggressive!Lupin, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Death Eaters, Expanded Family, Explicit Language, First Time, Lucius is a bro, M/M, Marauders' Era, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Pack Dynamics, Pack Feels, Sexual Content, Sexual Violence, Tobias is a dick, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Werewolf!Snape, domestic abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-28
Updated: 2009-04-15
Packaged: 2017-10-14 22:58:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 33
Words: 61,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/154378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TGP/pseuds/TGPretender
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In sixth year, Remus Lupin nearly killed Severus Snape in wolf form. Miraculously, Severus escaped unharmed. But what if he hadn't?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When It Rains

Severus Snape woke up to a world of pain, bright lights, disgusting scents, and sounds louder than the roar of a dragon right in his ears. It was too much to deal with all at once. All he could do was curl up and whimper and hope to Merlin that it ended soon.

He thought he felt a touch to his shoulder, but everything was so painful that he could only shy from it. There were voices and they sounded so very loud. He covered his ears but it didn't help at all. His head pounded.

There were hands upon him, pulling his hands from his face. He fought but then they pried his mouth open and he nearly choked on a mint flavored liquid poured down his throat. The _taste!_ It was just as overwhelming as the rest of it. He cried and struggled as another potion went down, then another. He lost count but it didn't matter. Soon enough, he fell into oblivion.

Severus didn't know how much time passed. He wavered in and out of consciousness. Each time, his senses screamed at him, but they dulled slowly off. It seemed like years had passed before he opened his eyes and managed to keep them that way.

The hospital wing was familiar, of course. One didn't have enemies like James Potter and Sirius Black without ending up there often, especially when most of the Quidditch team took their sides. Severus slowly sat up and held his head as it began to ache again. The pain didn't burn like fire, but it was still annoying.

He was the only one there, thankfully. Severus wouldn't have been able to bear letting someone see him so weak, and it was weakness he felt permeating his entire body. His limbs felt heavy, leaden, and his head felt full of cotton, as did his mouth. He found a glass of water sitting at his side table and quickly grabbed it, only to have it drop from his weakened fingers. The glass clattered against the floor and Severus winced as the sound bothered his tender ears.

 _Damn it._

He shifted, shoving his weak legs over the side of the bed and moving to bend and grab the sodding glass, when another sound caught his attention. He tilted his head, frowning a bit. Footsteps, the shift of clothing, as if right next to him. He jerked straight and ignored the way his head swam with the movement. The door to the infirmary opened and Madam Pomfrey entered, but there was no one else. Had he really heard her...?

“Mister Snape!” she called and he flinched, hands going reflexively to his ears. Damn it, why was she so _loud?_ Madam Pomfrey rushed immediately to his side with a sympathetic look on her face. “Oh, you poor dear. Just a moment.”

She hurriedly fetched a potion and he took it without even thinking. Within a few moments, his senses began to dampen. Light and color didn't seem quite so bright, sounds so loud, smells so strong... He could still smell the light touch of lilacs in her perfume, along with sugar and bread from her last meal, still hear her heartbeat slow and steady in her chest.

“What...what happened?” His voice sounded hoarse and used and he touched his throat with a grown.

“Oh, child,” Pomfrey murmured, brows drawing upward with utmost sympathy. Severus frowned at that expression and a slow panic began in his chest.

“What. Happened.”

She bit her lip, worrying her hands. “We'd better wait for the Headmaster. I've already sent for him.”

Dumbledore? What would they need him for? The panic went up a notch as he broke into a cold sweat. What could possibly be wrong with him that would require Dumbledore...? Severus swallowed quickly. Oh Merlin. He was going to die. That had to be it. He was going to _die._

He didn't want to die.

Pomfrey fussed over him a bit, then went off to do something. Severus hadn't been listening to her. He didn't _care._ As soon as she was gone, Severus struggled to his feet and pulled the sheet over his shoulders. He stumbled for the door on weak, clumsy feet, barely managing to bully his worn out body into motion. The door closed quietly behind him and he fled into the halls.

If he didn't hear it, it wasn't real. He didn't want to die.

Hand on the stone walls to keep him steady, Severus held the sheet tightly in his other and just walked. He had to get far enough that he wouldn't hear it. If he didn't hear it, it wasn't real. Barely one corridor later, he was shaking so hard that walking straight became a herculean task. Thank Merlin everyone was in class. If they saw him like this...

Somehow, Severus managed to get outside. He wasn't even sure why he _wanted_ to be there, but the sun shown down and warmed his skin, bright as it was. Dropping down on the last step, Severus leaned against the stone railing and closed his eyes. The warmth helped his speeding heart and shaking body. Somehow. He didn't feel better, but at least he wasn't shivering.

What had happened to him...? He couldn't remember getting hurt. The last thing that was clear in his thoughts was Sirius Black's gloating face. Severus felt his chest clench at that image. Sirius Black. He hated him. He hated him _so very much_... Black had to be involved in this, in why he was going to die. That stupid git, it had to be his fault!

 _I don't want to die._

Sirius Black had killed him. Somehow, it was rather ironic and a little sad. He couldn't say he was surprised. Some of the pranks they'd pulled on him through the years, one's _he'd_ pulled... The real wonder was that none of them had died before this.

It still made him angry. There was so much he had to still do. Become a potions master, maybe an Auror, find something that his father could be proud of him for doing, something that his mother would acknowledge.... Get the girl.

Severus swallowed thickly. The girl. If he died, what would happen to Lily? She hadn't spoken a civil word to him in nearly a year, but he still watched her. He still _loved_ her. He would protect her to the end of his days (especially from that sodding James Potter) but was the end of his days so close...? He couldn't die until he'd reconciled with her! Even if Lily never loved him back, if she would just _look_ at him again! Talk to him again.

Chest clenching, Severus dropped his head against it and closed his eyes tightly. He felt weak, so very weak, like at home when he wasn't able to filch enough food from the cupboards and his mother had forgotten him again. But it wasn't just hunger. It felt as if his body was trying to shut down around him.

He didn't want to die but it didn't seem to be his choice.

Severus blacked out and when he came to, he was in the hospital wing again and Albus Dumbledore looked down at him sorrowfully.

“Damn it.”

“Language, Mr. Snape,” Dumbledore replied quietly. His face lacked the usual soft look and twinkling eyes. He knew it. He was going to die.

“How long do I have?” Severus asked. His throat still hurt and his voice sounded so meager. As weak as the rest of him.

“Pardon?”

“Nothing. What happened?” _What did Black do to me?_

Dumbledore sighed and seemed to shrink and age in seconds. Severus almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

“I'm afraid it's a little complicated,” the headmaster began.

“ _What. Happened._ ”

Dumbledore actually hesitated. He looked at Severus over the rims of his half moon glasses for a long for moments. “You were attacked by a werewolf.”

Well. That hadn't been what he was expecting. Severus rested back more firmly against the pillow, staring up at the ceiling. A werewolf..?

“It's understandable that you don't remember much about it. Most don't. And most don't survive after the..” The Headmaster trailed off, but Severus wasn't really listening anyway. So, Black had managed to sic a werewolf on him? Imaginative. More innovated than he thought Black was capable of. But how had he managed to lure a werewolf close enough to him? Or maybe it had turned on him too. Ha, wouldn't that be great?

“Is Black dead?”

“Pardon?” Dumbledore looked startled.

“He lured the werewolf, right?” Severus looked at him again, oddly calm for one who was about to die. “He's too stupid to have made sure it couldn't turn on him.”

“No, Mr. Black is fine.” Dumbledore sighed. “He didn't lure the werewolf to you, my boy. He lured you to it.”

Oh. That made sense. He felt rather stupid for falling into Black's trap, but it still made sense. Now Black must be crowing for having tricked him so well. Stupid Gryffindor bastard.

“How long?”

“I don't understand, Mr. Snape.”

Severus just frowned at him, rather annoyed. “How long until I die? I want to know if I have time to finish my homework.”

Dumbledore said nothing at first. He stared at Severus and it seemed something should have been hilariously funny, but neither of them laughed. Neither of them moved. Not even the warm sunshine streaming in through the windows could comfort them.

“You aren't going to die, Severus,” the Headmaster said very, very softly. Severus knew that tone. He knew it meant something utterly horrible, worse than death. And the fact that Dumbledore had used his first name... “You received a wound from the werewolf. A bite.”

Oh Merlin.

 _He wanted to die._


	2. It Pours

Lycanthropy, it turned out, was a nastier business than anyone thought. Except Severus, of course. With his interest into the dark arts, he'd become rather knowledgeable in the ways of various dark creatures. Werewolves were not excluded, especially when he began to figure out just what was wrong with Remus Lupin.

As such, Severus knew what was happening to him. Lycanthropy tended to kill more than it turned. There was a very low acceptance rate. Just because someone was bitten didn't mean they'd become a werewolf. Indeed, it seemed _he_ wasn't one of the 'lucky' ones either. The virus was eviscerating him from the inside out. His body had rejected the change for two weeks after the initial contamination, resulting in his on-again, off-again comatose state. The next week, he'd been conscious but bedridden. His body was too weak and Madam Pomfrey had the terrible fear that his heart would give out any day now.

Severus found himself really not caring. Fighting a losing battle against the virulent strain kept him calm and sleepy. He slept far more than he bothered staying awake. Homework was only the faintest escape from the dwindling state of his body, but he could not keep up his pen more than an hour or so before the weakness set in again.

The only good thing that had happened was Lily Evans. Once he'd recovered from the initial shock of his condition, Pomfrey allowed him visitors and Lily was the first there. It felt like heaven, as if they'd never had their falling out. Lily sat at his bedside and brought him homework, keeping him up to date with all that was happening in the school. She babbled about nothing important, but just the sound of her voice was a balm on his heart. He'd had to physically restrain himself from writing silly nonsense like SS+LE in his notebooks.

Had she forgiven him? Severus didn't know and he was terrified to ask. If he asked, she might stop visiting him. As it was, she came every evening after classes and they did homework together. Like old times. Like the _better_ times.

Severus did, however, find out what exactly had gone on that night. Apparently, Black and Potter thought it would be a riot to lure him to the fully transformed werewolf, their own friend Remus Lupin. He didn't know if they intended to kill him, but Potter chickened out at the last moment and dragged him to safety...but too late to escape Lupin's jaws. Thus, he'd been bitten. Black and Potter both had detention for the rest of the year and had been removed from their Quidditch team. Severus wished they'd been expelled, but Dumbledore had said some junk about the importance of pure lines, safe places, teenage stupidity. All rubbish, but it made the message clear. Dumbledore didn't give a damn what happened to him when it came to his precious Gryffindor pups. Honestly, Severus wasn't all that surprised, but it had 1 _hurt_. Not that he'd admit it. But at least he had Lily.

Three days before the full moon, Severus began to feel a strange itch under his skin. He told no one, rather terrified of what it would mean. He was still bedridden for the most part as the virus continued to slowly kill him. Shouldn't he have been dead already? It seemed unnecessarily tedious to draw it out this long. Madam Pomfrey had stopped telling him the truth about his condition a week ago. He was getting worse.

...And what would happen on the full moon? _That_ was what scared Severus the most. Would he transform? Would the virus run its course? If he survived the transformation, he'd never have to worry about illness after, except for silver. But if he didn't... If he didn't, it would leave a very nasty corpse for his mother to bury. If she'd bury a monster.

Neither of his parents had come to see him. Severus was sure Dumbledore had informed them of his condition, but there'd been no word at all. He hadn't been surprised about his father, but he'd held out hope.. Well. If Eileen Snape didn't want to see her dying son, that was her business. He would be damned if he mourned her presence.

The antsy itch under his skin grew worse the next day and then left him vibrating with nervous energy by the full moon. He was still alive, somehow, still aware, so Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore got him in a coat and helped him stumble his way out to the whomping willow, and from there the shrieking shack. He hated needing their help, but every step made him weaker and weaker. They finally levered him down to sit against one dirty, scratched wall where he sweat and panted from exertion.

And then Remus Lupin appeared.

Severus nearly hexed him, but he hadn't had his wand on him since he'd awakened. Lupin looked at him and blanched. It almost gave Severus a rush of joy to see that. Almost.

“..Snape,” Lupin greeted uneasily. He couldn't quite look the Slytherin in the eye. Good. He wasn't worthy of doing so.

“Werewolf,” Severus replied coolly. Lupin's nostrils flared and his brows twitched. Severus thought he was either angry or regretful. Either way, it was fine with him.

“Now now, boys,” Dumbledore tried to be the voice of reason as Pomfrey fretted. “Tonight may be rather...”

Severus glared at him when he trailed off and looked at him. After a few moments, Dumbledore regained his composure and resumed.

“Lets try for a truce, at least for tonight,” the old man murmured. Severus snorted and Lupin looked a little green in a way that rather pleased him. “Mr. Lupin, if you would follow Madam Pomfrey to the bedroom? She'll be performing a number of charms to keep you restrained to that area.”

Lupin followed the nurse without a word, but he did give Severus one last look. It was regretful, shamed, and Severus's lip curled in response. This was Lupin's fault as much as Black's and Potter's. No doubt, Lupin had been in on it, whether he was squeamish about it or not.

Dumbledore began casting charms and wards as he chatted about nothing. Severus ignored him, simply concentrating on his breathing. His heart was beating too quickly and his body shook with energy and weakness simultaneously. His senses were going wild. Every knew sound jerked his attention and he couldn't help being fascinated by the scent of lemon drops, peaches, and mint radiating off Dumbledore's body.

Then the pain hit. A surprised scream ripped from Severus's throat as his body convulsed. He thought he heard Dumbledore's voice but then a wavy of burning heat raced through him and he could only sob in response. He jerked and shook, whimpering as he felt himself flop uselessly onto the floor. It hurt, it hurt _so much_ and he was going to _die_ , he was going to be ripped apart and die and... and....

He hadn't told Lily how much he loved her.

He must have blacked out because he woke up quite suddenly. Severus lifted his head. His body hurt, a dull pang through the full of it, but he wasn't hurt. He slowly got up, arching his body this way and that to relieve various aches that were quickly disappearing completely. With a jolt, he realized the weakness was gone. He felt _strong_ , powerful, invincible... and _angry_.

One ear twitched as he caught a sound. Scratching, whimpering. A sniff and he caught the scent. There, another of his kind. His lips curled back as he began to growl, low and deep in his throat. The scratching sounds paused as the other wolf figured out he was there as well. Then a low growl. Severus made his way slowly through the unfamiliar house, shying instinctively from the noisiest planks. And then a barrier, situated against a rattling door. He gave a snarl of anger and crashed into it, hear the other do the same on the other side. The door groaned and rattled between them and the magics sparked with the raw power of two werewolves hell bent on getting at one another.

It couldn't last for long. Soon enough, wood splintered and then a half grown wolf slammed into him. Immediately, Severus fought. He had to. He bit and scratched and tore, as the other wolf did the same. He had to _win_! Severus managed to knock the bigger wolf off of him and them jumped at him to continue to ripping, tearing fight. He felt tufts of fur pulled out, blood spilling, but none of it mattered in the face of his enemy.

The brown wolf was bigger, stronger, but Severus couldn't give up without a fight and they both understood it. A startled, pained whine left Severus as teeth caught at the scruff of his neck. He managed to rip free, but it was the beginning of the end. He managed to clamp down on the other wolf's haunch, but then felt teeth again at his throat and this time he couldn't get away.

The larger wolf wrestled him to the ground. Severus whimpered as he thrashed, but just felt jaws clamping tighter. Skin ruptured and his vision began to wane. Before he could black out completely, the other wolf let go and began to slowly prowl around him. Severus shivered and stayed down, even as the wounds grew slowly less painful, healing. Finally, he lifted his head a bit and his ears laid back as the brown wolf snarled at him. He couldn't win. All he could do was submit. At least for now.

After a few moments of stillness, the other wolf seemed to loose interest. He traipsed off to another room, scratching at wood here or there or breaking it between his jaws. Severus felt the same need for such senseless violence, but for now, he stayed where he was.

As soon as Severus did rise, the wolf was back and they fought all over again. Each time, the larger wolf subdued him and then left to occupy himself as Severus healed. Over and over and over. Severus rarely got good blows in, but he got better each time.

At last, Severus could feel his body reaching its end. He couldn't keep healing and fighting, tired as it had made him. So, when the other wolf stood before him, stiff and tall with his ears erect, Severus kept himself low with his ears flat and muzzle lifted. After a few moments of staring, the bigger wolf snorted and went to lay down near by. Severus relaxed a bit and went to licking his wounds before falling into a deep sleep.

Morning brought a very strange sensation. Severus thought he felt something in his hair, brushing it from his face, but he only curled a bit tighter into himself, muttering a soft sound. The rest of his body was pained and achy and his head pounded. The touch paused and then returned to gentle petting. It was comforting, strange, unknown, lovely... Finally, he opened his eyes, unable to continue being subjected to something so sweetly painful.

Lupin knelt next to him, staring down, his hand hovering just over Severus's head. They stared at each other for a long few seconds before Severus found his voice.

“Get the hell away from me!”

Lupin drew back, lifting his brows as Severus scuttled from him, limbs weak and clumsy. Then the other boy sighed a little.

“How do you feel?”

“Like hell warmed over. What's it to you?”

Lupin frowned and almost looked _hurt_. “I'm trying to be civil.”

“I don't give a damn. Leave me alone.”

Severus then realized he was starkers. He let out a noise and jerked his legs to his body, glaring at Lupin as if it was his fault. His cheeks were colored. At least Lupin had some bloody pants on. And the damned Gryffindor looked _amused_. After a moment, Lupin tossed a set of pants at him. Severus quickly caught them and dragged them on without a thought to whose they might be. The fit was loose but familiar. His, then. He still hated the fact that he was naked, especially once he looked down at himself.

There were marks... everywhere. Bites, scratches, bruises. He touched a few with morbid curiosity. Some hurt, but most of it had already healed to thin red lines. When he glanced at Lupin, the other boy was in much the same condition.

“They fade,” he said. Severus scowled at him.

“Who cares? It's not like anyone but _you_ will ever see it now.”

Lupin didn't answer but he didn't have to.


	3. And Then Gets Worse

Survival of that first moon meant survive of the virus. Severus wasn't sure if he felt relieved or not. Certainly not glad. There was no being glad about living the rest of his life as a bloody werewolf.

Lupin had tried to talk with him more, even apologized a few times, but Severus hadn't had any interest in hearing it. Something about Lupin's voice made him want to listen, so he fought the compulsion even harder.

When Pomfrey came for them, Lupin shut up, thankfully, and the nurse presented them with the rest of a full change of clothing. They dressed in silence and then followed her back to the school. Once in the infirmary, Pomfrey checked them out thoroughly, rubbing salve into healing wounds just to make sure and dumping a few potions down their throats. They wouldn't help much with the achy, sick feeling both had, but a little help was better than none. Finally, she sent them off to rest the day away.

Severus shoved his hands into his pockets as he headed for the dungeons, but a grab at one arm stopped him. He looked at the hand around his upper arm and followed it to Lupin's face. The Gryffindor looked so strained and pale... Abruptly, Severus ripped his arm free and glared.

“Don't touch me,” he hissed out. Lupin swallowed thickly but he didn't back down.

“We need to talk.”

“I don't want to talk to you. Ever.”

Lupin's lips pursed and he dropped his eyes. “...Look, Severus-”

“ _Do not call me with such familiarity!_ ” Severus hissed with violent anger. Lupin's eyes shot back to him as the Gryffindor tensed and fell silent. A moment of quiet and Severus realized he'd drawn his wand. His breathing was suddenly ragged, rage cinching his chest. “We are not _friends_ , Lupin. We never _have_ been and never _will_ be. I detest you. I find you so very disgusting that just _looking_ at you makes me feel ill. Don't you _dare_ touch me. Don't speak to me. Don't even _look_ at me.”

“Sn-”

“ _Shut up!_ ”

Lupin's mouth fell closed with an audible click and stared at the end of the wand trained between his eyes. His face had paled considerably but Severus had absolutely no sympathy for the man who had made him a monster.

“There is nothing to say.” Severus was beginning to calm, slowly, at least enough to regain his composure. “Beside the nights we are forced in one another's _company_ , I don't want to even remember you _exist_. You've made me a monster, Lupin. I will _never_ forgive you for this.”

And then he left the Gryffindor standing in stunned silence in the middle of the abandoned hallway. Severus didn't care if he'd been cruel. Lupin deserved it. He deserved every bloody second of it. Severus only wished he could have cowed Black and Potter like that. Another day, perhaps.

The rest of the day, Severus spent curled up in his bed, sleeping off his weary weakness. It was the turning point. He'd survived the transformation and his body made a speedy recovery. The next day, he was back in classes, much to his comfort. There were rumors aplenty about why he'd been in the hospital wing so long. Anything from the plague to a murder plot and other sundry idiocies. Severus found himself more amused by it all than annoyed.

What surprised him as after his last class before lunch, Lily Evans showed up and threw her arms around him in a tight embrace. Severus went very still, sucking in a hard breath at the unfamiliar sensation of the hug, but Lily just held him tighter.

“I'm so glad you're okay,” she murmured, muffled against his shoulder. Severus shivered faintly. She still hadn't let go. Awkwardly, he lifted his hands to pat her back before growing a little adventurous enough to slid his arms more firmly around her. She didn't pull away and he relaxed a fraction.

“Yes, well, it will take a little bit more than a murderous animal to kill me,” he mused. Lily snorted and then, regrettably, let go of him. Severus hated having to do the same. “I don't suppose this means our... friendship will continue now that I'm off my deathbed...?”

Lily looked at him, serious and so utterly beautiful it took his breath away. She always had. Why such a beautiful girl had ever decided he was worthy of speaking to, he didn't know.

“...Only if you promise never to call me that name again, Severus,” Lily murmured with a faint frown. “Ever. You can't slip up again. I don't care if you're mad or hurt. Don't you dare take it out on me again.”

Severus nodded stiffly. “Never.”

“Good.” And then her perfect lips drew into a soft smile that melted him inside. “Then we can go back to being friends.”

“Thank you.” Severus felt himself smile in return. It almost hurt, as little as he smiled, but she looked so much brighter to see it. They set up a study session for that evening and then headed their separate ways. Severus hadn't felt so elated since finding out that his childhood friend was a witch. He didn't even mind that his first class after lunch was Advanced Defense Against the Dark Arts with Potter, Black, and Lupin. Not even they could ruin his good mood just yet.

The rest of the day went on in a blur. As soon as classes let out, Severus hurriedly gathered his books and headed for the library. He hadn't felt so eager in so long. Actually, he felt a bit _giddy_. How stupid.

However, just as he met up with Lily and basked in the glow of her smile, Professor McGonagall came to fetch him. Severus could have cursed the woman but he managed to keep his cool and promised to find Lily once he was finished. Then he followed the damned professor to the headmaster's office. Before Dumbledore could greet him, Severus stopped dead in the doorway. Sitting in front of the headmaster's desk were his parents.

Tobias Snape did not look like a pleasant man, nor was he. He stood, taller than Severus by half a head, and his sunk in, gray eyes flickered over his son without sympathy. It looked as if he were trying to find some sign of...monstrosity? Severus folded his arms over his chest in tight defense but he knew his father wouldn't strike him with witnesses.

“The boy looks fine,” Tobias ground out finally, glaring back at his wife. “You dragged me from work for _this_?”

Eileen Snape swallowed thickly as she rose as well. She rung her tiny, skeletal fingers and glanced nervously at her husband, only to drop her gaze a moment after.

“It... this is important, Tobias,” she murmured so quietly they could barely hear it. Tobias narrowed his eyes, then grunted and sat back down, hands on his bony knees. Eileen gave Severus a glance and a fleeting, insincere smile before she took her seat as well. Now that the warmth lacking greeting was over, Dumbledore conjured another chair for Severus.

“Mr. And Mrs. Snape, thank you for coming. I know this will be a very difficult change for your family and I will personally do all I can to make sure the transition is painless,” Dumbledore began. Severus nearly snorted, but he didn't want to bring his father's attention on him.

“Just spit it out,” Tobias sneered, his lip curling. “What do we have to do about this...condition?”

“Well, you'll need to alter a room in the house or near by where Severus can spend the full moons. I will teach Eileen the necessary warding spells to make sure he doesn't escape while transformed-”

“So this 'werewolf' thing. It's real?” Tobais looked back to his son with narrowed eyes, as if he expected the boy to sprout fur right then and there. “Can't you people just keep him? I don't have time to deal with a dangerous animal.”

Severus stiffened and his throat felt dry. He knew his father wasn't fond of him, but it was another thing entirely to actually _hear_ it, especially where others could hear as well. Especially in front of Albus Dumbledore. His chest clenched painfully.

“...I'm afraid we cannot,” Dumbledore murmured after a moment of quiet. “However, I'm sure Eileen will be able to take care of this. Won't you, my dear?”

Eileen flinched faintly at being addressed directly, especially when Tobias's cold eyes fell to her. She said nothing at first, pale and still.

“...Y-Yes, I suppose,” she whispered finally, quiet and mousy.

“Lovely.” Dumbledore managed, somehow, to smile at the dour couple and rose from his seat, holding out a hand. Tobias stared at it narrowly and then turned, leaving the office with a grumbled farewell. Eileen shivered a little as she got up, smiling tightly.

“...Thank you, Headmaster,” she murmured, ringing her hands once more. “I-I will do my best to learn.”

Dumbledore nodded compassionately, then stepped around the desk and set a hand on Severus's shoulder, startling the teen.

“You have a very special son, Mrs. Snape,” he said with a smile. “I will do all I can to keep him from harm.”

Eileen nodded with another tight smile as she regarded her son. Severus sat just as stiffly, arms still crossed over his chest and head lowered. She almost reached out to him but caught herself and drew her hand back again.

“It..It's good to see you, Severus.”

“Mother,” he greeted, jaw clenched tightly. Eileen faltered at his coldness, but she was more than used to it. What more did she expect from him?

“..I...I suppose you have...studying to do. Is it...going well?”

“Fine.”

“Oh. I see. That's good. Potions?”

“Head of the class.”

“That... that's wonderful, Severus.”

He didn't answer and she lapsed into an awkward silence. Finally, Eileen gave another tight smile and turned her black eyed gaze onto Dumbledore.

“Well. B-best that I learn the spells now....”

Severus left soon after. He didn't see his parents off, nor even wanted to think about them. No doubt, his father would take this out of his hide when he got the chance. As if his son was more important than _work_. And now Tobias had a slew of new names to call the monstrosity he'd sired. Severus couldn't bloody wait.

When he dropped into bed that evening, Severus tried vainly to ignore the ache that still permeated his chest. Someday... Someday he'd find something that made his father proud of him. To acknowledge his brilliance and skill. _Someday_... Tobias would be glad he'd been born.

Why couldn't someday be today?


	4. And Worse

There was a thing to be said about scholarships. The only reason Severus stayed able to go to school were scholarships. He'd qualified for the First Year Assistance Plan when he first began, which took care of his tuition and books, though his father had still had to shell out more pounds than he'd wanted for the uniforms and supplies. Because of this, Severus had quelled any interest he'd had in Quidditch or any school team requiring specialized things to make sure his father would never have to pay for it. Thus, he'd ended up on the Gobstones team mid year after being gifted a set of Gobstones. Plus, Lily made the team as well and he'd do anything to spend more time with her.

At the end of First Year, Severus had managed to rank third in the school overall and thus had access to another tuition waver for the next year as well as a secondary scholarship to cover his books. He hadn't grown much so only minor alterations were needed. His mother had tended to that. Third, fourth, and fifth years went on the same, except for a rise to second rank and the growth spurt he went through in fifth year that shot him up nearly as tall as his father. New robes had not been a welcome expense.

Because Severus understood just how precious his schooling was, he did not waste his time there. He knew that if he managed to flunk out of school and lose the scholarships, there would be no returning. Tobias Snape had little use for a failure son with as much as Severus failed him already. Thus, Severus worked his bloody arse off. Only a few of the teachers knew just how much work he put into his perfect essays and how much time he spent after school practicing.

A month on his backside had set him back, but not as much as he'd feared. The theory work he'd finished and he was up to date on all his essays. He'd read the required chapters. However, his wand work, which had never been spectacular anyway, was rusty. Lily offered to work with him and he gratefully accepted. The two of them thus spend long afternoons doing this or that charm with Lily correcting his pronunciation or movements here and there.

Lily wasn't too much farther in the rankings than he was, but she did had such an eye for charms that not heading her direction would have been just plain stupid. Of course, it helped that when he did something particularly badly, she'd come up behind him, take his hand in hers, and show him just what he was to do. The warmth radiating off her body was nearly too much to handle. Merlin, he was going to have dreams that night after feeling her soft curves against his back and side...

A full moon came and went. Severus ended up in the Shrieking Shack with Lupin. They didn't talk. They barely even looked at one another. After transforming, they spent most of the night trying to tear each other apart. Lupin kept winning, but Severus vowed he'd over take that monster someday. Then it would be a little easier to bear.

The week before next full moon, Severus made a mistake. It happened after another bout of practicing with Lily, feeling her hands on his, her body against his when she corrected him, her voice in his ears, her sweet scent. It had all gathered and driven him stupid.

“I... I love you.”

The words hung in the air and Severus immediately regretted them. Lily stood very still. She nearly dropped the book bag in her hands. He could easily read the tension that had spun up her spine. Severus' chest clenched so tightly that it hurt to breath. Oh Merlin. Why the hell had he _said_ that?!

“Before. I.. I thought I was gonna die, but...but all I could think about was-”

Then Lily turned and smiled at him so prettily. He felt a faint flash of hope.

“That's very sweet, Severus,” she said in that soft, bright tone of hers as she carefully broke his heart. “I like you too. You're my best friend.”

He couldn't breath. She said nothing more as she finished gathering her things and left. Severus's legs trembled under him and then he fell to his knees, staring after her. _Oh Merlin_. It hurt. It hurt so much. It hurt worse than the time his father had beaten him stupid for breaking a neighbor's window. It hurt worse than the time Black hit him with an acid hex and burned off half the skin of his chest. It just _hurt_. Merlin, why did he say it...?

Lily had made it very clear. _Best friend_. Was that all he could be to her? Was that all she would allow? Why couldn't she have looked at him and smiled and said she loved him too? _Why?!_

Because he wasn't good enough. Because he wasn't _Potter_.

Severus sucked in a hard, painful breath. Potter. Potter had to be the cause of this. That stupid, self-serving, egotistical, arrogant _bastard_. Severus didn't know how he'd done it but he knew he had. Somehow. Somehow...

But what the hell could he do about it? If Lily couldn't accept him... then there was no changing her mind. Fine. That was just _fine_. He could deal with it. He could be her best friend. He could! He could do it...

Before he realized it, there were tears racing hot and stinging down his cheeks. He'd never been so ashamed in his entire life.

As he broke down, he was dimly aware of someone arriving in the empty classroom he and Lily had taken to using in the evenings. He didn't get up, couldn't. There was no curbing the flow of disgusting, unmanly tears. He heard footsteps, slow and hesitant a rustle off cloth, and then there were arms around him. He was dragged against a hard chest. Severus fought it viciously, but the strength of his sorrow soon sapped him of everything. He sagged against that body, gasping as each broken sob stole his breath and wracked his body with trembles.

Slowly, he became aware that he was being slowly rocked. He didn't move, himself, letting this person comfort him. Wide hands rubbed along his back, just shy of getting tangled in his hair. Severus kept his eyes firmly closed as he concentrated on trying to control his breathing and become something more than the shaking, pitiful thing.

There was a scent, something familiar. Something like pine needles, chocolate, the faintest hint of coppery blood..

Severus' eyes snapped open as he jerked his head up, nearly bashing into his comforter's chin. Golden brown eyes stared back at him, widened at the sudden movement.

He was being held by Remus bloody Lupin. Severus stayed still, too shocked to speak. Remus just stared back at first, hesitant and a little confused, and then he drew Severus back against his chest. For some reason, the Slytherin still couldn't force himself away.

There was something very warm about being embraced like this, wrapped up in someone's arms as if they could save him from everything. It was horribly humbling. Even if Lupin was the one holding him, Severus couldn't help leaned a little tighter to the other boy's chest.

And then Lupin ruined it.

“What happened?”

Severus swallowed the lump in his throat. His face felt hot and stung where salty tears had tracked. His body was strained and tired. And his heart... He felt empty inside.

“Why do you care?”

Lupin frowned. Severus could hear it in his voice when he answered. “Because you're a human being? I don't know. I just came to talk to you and you're like this-”

“I'm not like _anything_. I'm _fine_ ,” Severus ground out, even though he'd made no move to leave Lupin's embrace.

“Right. Crying like someone died is fine.”

“Sod off.”

They fell quiet. Lupin was still rubbing his back in slow, careful circles. It felt good. It shouldn't have, but it did.

“...You can talk to me about it, you know. I won't make fun of you.”

Severus snorted. “Right. Like you aren't as bad as those bastards you call friends.”

He felt Lupin tense up against him and felt a flash of savage glee. But Lupin didn't let go just yet.

“Severus-” It was his turn to tense. Lupin hesitated, then back peddled. “Snape. Like it or not, we're in this together now. You can scoff if you want, I don't care. But until graduation, we're going to have to get used to one another. We might as well be civil.”

“Great sentiment, coming from _you_.”

Lupin failed to rise to the jab, but Severus didn't mind too much. He was a little tired of treated everyone like an enemy. For now. Soon enough, Severus got itchy with the continued hug and had to end it. He drew away from Lupin's embrace, getting up and looking off with vague embarrassment for letting himself be held so long. He wiped his face, listened to Lupin stand as well.

“Truce?”

Severus looked over and stared at the hand Lupin held out as if it would bite him. After a long minute or so, he gingerly reached out and took it, ready to jerk back if there was some kind of hidden prank. But there wasn't. Lupin gripped his hand firmly and gave it one shake before releasing. Severus drew his hand back and glanced to the other boy's face.

Lupin smiled and Severus didn't even feel like insulting how dumb it looked.

The next day, it was as if he'd said nothing to Lily at all. They met up for their usual training session and joked around like usual. Had she really misunderstood his confession so much? He didn't want to dwell on it.

Someday, he'd confess to her properly. She'd likely reject him, but he still had to do it. He couldn't be afraid of everything for the rest of his life. Hell, he was one of the most dangerous creatures on Earth now. What was there to be afraid of?

Days later, the moon came upon them. Severus and Lupin went down to the shack. Spring was starting to peek out of the cool days of early April. Severus realized, as he tugged off his robes and folded them neatly, that there would only be two more full moons before the summer. He couldn't help being a little intimidated by the thought of going through the change alone, even if all he and Lupin seemed to do was fight with each other. He sighed a little, unbuttoning his shirt. Just as well.

Their clothing was stashed away just as the change came over them. The shack was alive with whimpers, howls, and half human cries of pain for what seemed like hours. The change ripped and tore at their bodies, reforming them to its own devices.

Finally, two wolves slowly got up, stretching aches away. They sniffed each other curiously, remembering scents . The brown wolf stiffened, standing taller with hunched shoulders. The black rolled onto his side and showed his belly, ears flickering. And that was that.

The rest of the night they spend rough housing, exploring the shack, napping, and otherwise taking up time. It might have been pleasant, really, had they really been the simple dogs they now acted like. Here and there, however, the rage overcame them and they bit a little too hard, fought a little too much. Still, it was more pleasant than when they'd been trying to tear each other apart.

The morning was better. Pomfrey came for them and was much happier with the amount of scrapes and bruises they'd managed to give each other. She sent them on and outside the door, both werewolves looked at one another and nodded. The accord was set.


	5. Until All You Can Do

The last two months of school went by like a flash. Two more pleasant moons, the uneasy truce with Lupin, studying with Lily while Potter and Black were stuck in detentions... His world was actually better off than usual. Severus stayed on guard, however. He'd learned young that just because something seemed good, it would turn out horribly in the end. After all, he was about to go back home.

The exams were not quite enough to take his mind off that fact. He studied hard and didn't worry when the testing day came up. Actually, he felt more ready than ever. In the end, he was once more awarded second rank in his year, second only to the Ravenclaw that had beaten him since third year. He didn't mind. Phineas Abernathy still got lower scores in Potions than he did. With his seventh year of classes now paid for with another tuition waver, Severus felt faintly secure in his future.

And then he realized it was his last year. Severus stopped in the middle of packing up his clothes to go home. One last year at Hogwarts and then he was on his own. Slughorn had rounded him a few days ago and offered to contact a Potions Master he knew for apprenticeship, since the man himself couldn't take on an apprentice while teaching. Severus accepted the offer, knowing that Slughorn would one day expect the boon repaid. Yesterday, Slughorn had informed him that a man by the name of Damocles Belby had responded positively and wanted to meet him over the summer to see if he was all Slughorn had promised. Severus was nervous, of course, but not scared. He'd show himself properly and, with all hopes, Belby would take him. What _else_ was he suppose to do with his life? Even his mother had excelled at nothing but potions and Gobstones.

However, even with making those plans, it hadn't quite struck him that he would soon be leaving Hogwarts for good. The castle was special to him. Even with his hatred for most of his year mates and other students, Severus felt safe here. His father wasn't there to beat him, his mother wasn't making him hide his magic from the neighborhood... He was _free_ here. Free in a way he couldn't quite imagine feeling anywhere else.

The thought was sobering.

Maybe life under Belby's tutelage would be freeing too. The man seemed pleasant, from what Slughorn had said. Maybe...

But then Severus thought back to his housemates. Avery, Wilkes, and Rosier had a friend outside Hogwarts that they were constantly conversing with. They always seemed a mixture of chilled and elated after receiving letters and spoke in hushed voices along with Mulciber. It was the same way Severus looked when he received post from his longtime mentor Lucius Malfoy. Lucius had graduated after his second year, but the older boy had seen his skills in potions and the dark arts. He'd _recognized_ him. Lucius gave Severus hope, even if he was a high born, arrogant ass most of the time. Severus had gotten used to that.

Lucius had written in the last letter that he wanted to meet with him over the summer. It was apparently very important and Severus had agreed, too happy to do whatever Lucius wanted of him. He admired the blond man more than anyone. Those first two years, Lucius had kept him under his wing and comforted him when the Gryffindors tormented him, even helped patch him up at the beginning of second year after his father had beaten him the night before arriving and again when he returned from Christmas vacation without mentioning it to anyone else. Lucius was his confidant. He'd even encouraged him in his adoration for Lily Evans, much as he didn't understand the choice.

Severus sighed a little, then set the last patched pair of pants down into his trunk neatly, closing it up after. Well. His plans for after graduation could be thought about later. In the meantime, he had to hurry to catch the train and there were the visits with Lucius and Belby to plan for. He dragged his drunk down, where it was loaded and left for him not to worry about until they made it to the station. Just before he could step into the carriage, a voice stopped him.

“Severus!”

He paused, blinked, then turned. Lily ran up to him, panting softly with a pleasantly flushed face that made his heart beat a little faster. She smiled and took his hand.

“I didn't want you to leave without saying good bye.”

“Lily, we live less than a mile from each other,” he reminded her, but she just laughed a little.

“I'm going to be gone most of this summer,” she said brightly. “Dad and Mum are taking Petunia and I off to Italy. Mum has a cousin there and she's going to be having a baby in the next week or so, so we're going to help her out. She's alone, you see.”

“Oh.” Severus couldn't quite quell the feeling of utter disappointment. Most times, the only high point of his summers was when he could get out and go watch her or talk with her, even if that annoying sister of hers kept getting her nose into things. Petunia hated him implicitly and he felt exactly the same.

“Oh, don't worry. I'll write you often,” Lily murmured with chair. Severus forced a weak smile. At least she'd think of him. A little, anyway.

Someone called for her. Lily gave his hand a squeeze before she ran off to join her other friends. Distantly, he saw the untidy hair of James Potter and his narrowed gave. Severus couldn't help but smirk at the other boy and watch as James' face reddened with anger. But the Black caught up to him and distracted him long enough for Severus to slip into his carriage, soon joined by Avery and Wilkes, who just babbled about Quidditch and Avery's mother's summer home.

They got to the train and it was a long, boring trip because Potter was too mad to come after him just now. But he was sure Potter would spend all summer coming up with something for the next train ride. It was too good to think the bastard would cool off or call off his claim on Lily.

The train reached King's Cross finally. Avery, Wilkes, and Rosier went off with promises to enjoy their summer and see him next year. He waved them off, got his trunk, and trudged out of their room. Halfway to the other end of the train to unload, hands seized him and dragged him into a compartment with a strangled little noise. He ended up falling back against a firm chest as a hand curled over his mouth. Severus struggled, even as he began to recognize the scent rolling off the boy.

“Hush, just wait a second,” Lupin hissed. Severus scowled and quit struggling but he wasn't happy. And he didn't like the way his body relaxed when he realized who it was that had grabbed him. As if Lupin was _safe_ or some rot like that. They waited until most of the sound was gone outside and then Lupin finally let go of him.

“You couldn't have just cast a silencing spell?!” Severus snarled at him. Lupin had the decency to look a little embarrassed.

“I needed to talk to you.”

“What _for_? You're infuriating, Lupin!”

The Gryffindor sighed a little and raked a hand through his hair. “Look. Who's the one that's been a werewolf for years now?”

“What does _that_ have to do with anything?” Severus was getting rather sick of having to think about that, with all that his instincts and senses had been going haywire for the last five months.

“Would you just _listen_ to me for a second?” Lupin sounded about as frustrated as he felt. _Good_. Severus crossed his arms over his chest and looked at him expectantly. If Lupin wasn't going to let him leave without hearing his say, then he wanted to get it over with. The other werewolf sighed a bit. “Okay. Look. I need you address.”

“What? Why?”

“So I can sent you letters, obviously.” Lupin dug in his pocket and drew out a bit of parchment, handing it out like it was some kind of bomb. Severus took it before he thought about it. On the parchment, written in tidy script, was an address. “Your transformation is going to be complete next moon. I wanted to make sure if you... if you needed anything, you could contact me.”

“What a disgustingly sweet sentiment.” Severus still pocketed it, though. He glanced back up to Lupin, lifting a brow. “But what could possibly change?”

Lupin looked a little uncomfortable. “....Just send word to me, okay? If anything weird happens. My parents are allergic, so no owls.”

Not that Severus owned an owl anyway. He'd never had a pet except the snakes and rabbits that frequented the back garden and they tolerated him more than liked him.

Severus narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing Lupin closely. The shorter boy fidgeted a bit under his gaze. Lupin expected something to happen at the six month mark. But what? Severus hadn't found anything disastrous in his rather thorough study of werewolves in the last few months. Something not in the books then? But _what?_ Not that Lupin looked ready to tell him anything. Severus scowled a bit. Finally, he fished some parchment out of his trunk and quickly scrawled out his own address, practically throwing it in Lupin's face after. The Gryffindor managed to catch it easy enough and he relaxed a fraction. Severus's eyes narrowed further.

“Why do you care so much?” he asked quietly.

Lupin jumped a little and flushed and then looked more embarrassed than ever. Then he muttered something Severus couldn't quite understand.

“Lupin.”

Golden brown eyes lifted and Lupin _winced_. “...Because... I'm...I'm the dominant wolf. Of the pack.”

“...Pack.” Severus's voice had gone very flat. Lupin blanched at the narrow look he was giving him. “You think _I'm_ part of _your_ pack.”

“Yes.”

This was getting preposterous.

“Why in Hell's name would you think I'd have _anything_ to do with _your pack?!_ ”

Lupin took a breath, steadied himself, and refused to back down. “Because you _are_ part of it.”

Severus didn't quite realize he'd opened his trunk and pulled anything out of it until Lupin dodged the heavy book he threw at him. Lupin ducked under another and then jerked forward with speed Severus wouldn't have guessed he had. Thicker hands circled his thin wrists and Severus found himself suddenly pinned awkwardly against one seat with his hands pressed tight to the wall on either side of his head. He blinked and then stared at Lupin, who was far, far too close to be comfortable.

“Lupin-”

“You're going to listen to me for once, Snape.”

Severus went silent and stayed very still. Lupin took a moment, breathing again as he visibly tried to calm himself down.

“You're pack, Snape. Whether you want it or not, you submitted to me. I _have_ to take care of you. There's no want or choice about it, nothing _human_ about it, I have to. Because you submitted to me. Do you understand that much?”

Severus nodded. Lupin looked at him, quiet a few moments, then let go.

“...Write me,” Lupin said in a quiet, almost subdued tone as he refused to look at him. “If something happens.”

Severus didn't reply but he knew he would. They went their separate ways.


	6. Is Deal With It

Severus hated Grandfather Snape. He had hated the man since before he knew what hate _was_. Four years ago, Grandfather Snape suffered a stroke and lost control of the left half of his body. He'd been living with his son ever since. Grandfather Snape had a motorized wheelchair paid for by his war pension but he carried around a cane at all times, usually to smash into his grandson's face. At least, that's what Severus thought. He supposed being a muggle, his grandfather liked being armed at all times.

Before the stroke, Grandfather Snape had been just as nasty. His left leg had been half mangled in the war and he walked with a pronounced limp that he ignored or whinged about at random. He was of the opinion that his son and grandson's generations had not suffered enough and he meant to change that fact. Thus, he'd spent Severus's entire like trying to beat the boy into something of a man. Tobias was too old and too big for his father to beat anymore, but he didn't spare the man a word at every single fault, including his ugly wife and scrawny spawn.

Severus could now simply walk away from Grandfather Snape - the wheelchair couldn't gain much speed – but he never did. When Severus wasn't around, Grandfather Snape railed on Tobias and then Tobias made Severus regret it with every fiber of his being. If Tobias wasn't around either, then Grandfather Snape lit into Eileen and that was even worse. His mother never struck him, but instead would end up hiding out in the garden with him, saying nothing and just staring at him with the most wounded and betrayed look in her eyes. So, most of the time, Severus stayed when his grandfather got it into his head to rant and rave instead of sleeping like he should.

Like now.

Severus didn't dodge when the cane swept towards him and cracked across the side of his head. He didn't dodge because he knew if he did, there would be another strike after it for flinching. He also didn't cower because that would bring the same reaction. An unexpected anger flashed through him but he was able to hide it, beat it down inside him.

“You worthless, good for nothing _brat_!”

Severus straightened and didn't hold his face, even though it ached along his cheek bone, from his ear all the way to his nose and down to his jaw. He might be bleeding. He didn't touch it to check.

“If I'd had my say, we'd'uv _drowned_ you like you deserved! Miserable boy.”

He was used to hearing that. Grandfather Snape's face was pale and drawn and looked thin enough to be a skeleton already. Severus often stared at him while he slept to see if he would stop breathing and die for real. He hoped it happened _today_.

Severus had had the gall to think he could offer to clean and buff his grandfather's medals. Grandfather Snape wore his medals at all time, across his left breast. He used to wear his uniform as well, but Eileen managed to spill a drink upon it and the stain hadn't come out, no matter what she and Severus had done. He'd been beaten severely for letting her do it. Grandfather Snape had only struck Eileen once, when Severus was three. He still remembered how enraged his father had been. Severus didn't know what Tobias did, but Grandfather Snape had never gone after her again.

He sometimes wondered why he bothered. Even after seventeen years of living with the man, Severus understood little about his father except how to anticipate his behavior, most of the time. Tobias was not a pleasant man, and Severus was rather sure Grandfather Snape was the reason for it, but he wasn't a complete demon. Whether he had to or not, he always made sure the house was paid for and in relatively good repair. He kept food on the table, kept them dressed, even took his son to the hospital when Severus was seven and caught pneumonia. However, Severus didn't think he'd ever fully accept the man. He was always waiting, hoping that one day Tobias would realize what he'd become and change. Maybe not become the loving parents Severus so often saw at King's Cross or Diagon Alley, but perhaps a bit more... He didn't know _what_ he wanted exactly.

It wasn't but a few days after his return from school when the moon hit. Eileen had learned well under Dumbledore's tutelage and had warded the small shed in the backyard perfectly for him. They spent that afternoon clearing it out and then she unexpectedly cooked a rather nice, large meal that evening. Tobias was unhappy at the waste of resources, his hard earned pounds wasted on a food they wouldn't finish completely. Grandfather Snape, predictably, spent the whole time nitpicking every little thing about every dish. Eileen wilted and paled and ate very little. Severus, on the other hand, was ravenous. He barely managed to keep the usual level of decorum Tobias demanded of them, even though Grandfather Snape was messier than any of his young second cousins.

After the meal, Severus helped his mother clean up as his father took his grandfather to bed. There was nothing said between them; instead, Severus and Eileen listened to the sound of Tobias and Grandfather Snape arguing. They thought they heard something break, but neither was willing to investigate. Just before moon rise, Eileen led Severus out to the shed. He stepped inside and sat down on the built in shelf along the right side, looking back to the still open doorway. Eileen stared back at him, pale and ghostly in the dark half light.

“Does it hurt?” she asked softly. Her voice was barely above a whisper.

“Yes.” There was no point in lying to her.

“Everytime?”

“Everytime.”

She looked as if she were contemplating something. It almost frightened him to wonder what, with the questions she asked. After a long silence, he felt the itching under his skin.

“Lock the door,” he told her. She stared at him a moment longer before doing so. He heard her quiet voice activate the wards and preform a silencing charm, then he disrobed, stashing his clothing as high up as he could manage.

The change seemed even more painful this time. He writhed and cried as his body ripped and shifted and became something alien to him. And when it was over, he spent the night biting and clawing at himself and howling for someone who wouldn't come for him. Someone who should have come for him. He wasn't suppose to be alone, not now. But he was and it crushed him and angered him and he took it out upon his own body because there was nothing else to tear apart.

His mother was there in the morning. Tobias was off at the factory and Grandfather Snape still slept. Eileen pulled her bruised, bleeding son from the cement floor, tugging one of his bitten arms over her shoulders, and then hauled him slowly back towards the house. It was deathly quiet, except for Severus's harsh breathing and her own faint grunts of exertion. Severus was very thin and insubstantial, but so was his mother. She finally got him to his room and laid him down before she began to work carefully on his wounds. Severus could barely stay conscious. He was so tired, absolutely drained from the night. Once she'd finished, Eileen gave him a potion to drink and he fell asleep as she pulled the blankets over him.

Somehow, Eileen managed to keep Tobias and Grandfather Snape from disturbing him though the rest of the day. He slept long and hard and when he woke, he was still tired and achy. Severus dressed and went out. It was almost dark again outside. He still felt the itch of the moon under his skin, as he always did the day after, but it seemed stronger. _He_ seemed stronger. And there was still that vicious undercurrent of anger in his heart.

Dinner was waiting when he got to the kitchen. Tobias looked up and stared at Severus, gray eyes flickering over the bandages his t-shirt didn't hide. He said nothing, however, merely motioned Severus to his seat.

“What the hell happened to you, boy?” Grandfather Snape graveled out, giving his grandson an odd look. Severus shrugged a shoulder.

“Got cornered. Village boys.”

Neither Tobias nor Eileen were looking at him. Severus began serving himself, since everyone else already had. It was another big meal. He wondered if his mother was trying to make up for something.

Grandfather Snape snorted. “Serves you right. Idiot boy. You probably goaded them anyway.”

Severus tightened his grip on his fork. He didn't dare look at his grandfather, half terrified of what he'd do if he lost control of the still throbbing, red hot anger that made his chest feel so tight. As if he were still the wolf.

“I keep telling you, Tobias. You sired _weakness_.”

Tobias glared at him from across the table. Severus, for once in his life, had the gall to glare right back.

“Not that I blame you. What with that ugly bitch you married.”

Severus didn't have to look at his mother to know she'd wilted again. It took everything he had not to growl aloud.

“Serves you right. Miserable boy.”

Severus watched as his father's lip curled just faintly. Tobias looked as if he were about to bite something. His knuckles were white and Severus could hear his breathing quicken, just a little. Just enough. Tobias' face was dark and grim. Grandfather Snape apparently grew bored of insults, for he said nothing after.

Dinner finished in silence, as usual. Severus and Eileen cleaned up while Tobias took Grandfather Snape to bed. They listened to the men argue, as usual, and then the house was quiet. When the dishes were finished, Severus turned to go to bed but Eileen caught his arm. He looked back at her and watched as she stiffened, her eyes widening a fraction. There was a line between her thick, drawn up brows, from her nose to the edges of her mouth, along her forehead. She wasn't pretty. Severus had never had illusions about that. He looked like her. They were ugly together.

Severus tugged his arm free when his mother continued her silence. He looked away, stood stalk still beside her, and listened to his father's heavy steps in the hallway before he shut his bedroom door a little too hard and the one picture on the wall rattled in place. Eileen let out a breath and looked at Severus once before she headed on to bed. Severus turned off the lights, checked the doors to make sure they were locked – though why anyone would ever want to come in was beyond him – and then went to bed as well.

He laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling as the night went on. He'd slept too long, or maybe it was just the moon still exerting pressure on him. He couldn't sleep. All he could think about was Grandfather Snape's voice in his ears. Maybe he was weak. Maybe he was a miserable failure. But Grandfather Snape was even worse.

Severus got up from the bed and walked soundlessly out of his bedroom and through the house. He opened his grandfather's bedroom door and stared in. The old man laid in bed, snoring faintly. His thin, useless body was sprawled over the tiny twin bed, a pillow under his bad leg and another under his head, a third laying beside the bed where it had dropped. His thick, black hair was messy on his forehead. It was longer than usual. Grandfather Snape usually insisted on keeping it cropped neatly, making Tobias waste pounds on such a useless thing. They didn't get much from his pension, just enough to take care of his wheelchair, his doctor, and his pills. He was a _useless human being_.

In a blink, Severus stood next to the bed. He stared down at Grandfather Snape's face, tracing the wrinkles and lines of bone under his sallow skin. When he wasn't awake, he looked so... old. Vulnerable. Breakable. Severus half knelt as he grabbed the fallen pillow and then straightened again. He held it, staring at the old, lumpy thing. He could end it. He could make this _stop_. Maybe if Grandfather Snape wasn't there, his father could stop being a bastard. Maybe his mother could start smiling again. Maybe he wouldn't have to hate every last bloody thing about himself.

Severus' hold on the pillow tightened as a vicious, blood thirsty, _righteous_ anger swept through him. He almost stuffed it against his sleeping grandfather's face. He almost made the pain stop. Almost. And then he realized what he was doing, dropped the damn thing, and went back to bed.


	7. Or Die

Severus sat down to write a letter to Lupin. He didn't know exactly what to say, but he felt he needed to. He needed to share _something_. Maybe the rage or the loneliness or how he kept thinking smothering his grandfather was a good idea. More than usual, anyway. Or maybe about how worried he was about meeting Belby tomorrow. In the end, what he wrote was very simple.

“RL-

I hate the moon.

-SS”

Why he bothered to beg spare change enough for a stamp and envelope, he didn't know. He wasn't even sure why he felt this was so important. But, after a tense few seconds of staring, Tobias gave him what he wanted and Severus walked to the post office to mail the letter off.

The message wasn't even all that true. He didn't hate the moon. Actually, he thought it was rather pretty. When he was younger, Severus used to sit outside and stare at it while his father raged at his mother. It hadn't been comforting, but he'd never expected it to be. The truth was that Severus hated most everything else. He hated his grandfather, he hated his how is parents treated him, he hated his house, he hated the quiet...

And he was still angry. A week after the moon and that anger hadn't left him. It burned low and slow in his belly, a flame licking up his stomach here and then before he could stop it. Just the day before, he'd actually talked back to his father. Tobias had been surprised. For about a second. And then he'd struck him hard enough to see stars. Still, there was a change and Severus didn't know if he'd be able to control it.

The next morning, he got up early, showered, and dressed in his best clothes. Eileen called them Sunday best because Tobias had, at one time, been a church going man. He'd fallen out of the habit at some point after marrying his pagan witch wife, but Severus knew he still had his cross necklace and the crucifix above his bed. The button up shirt and creased trousers were black, as were the shoes he'd spent so long shining before going to sleep. They did little to make him look professional. At least the bruise on his cheek was basically nothing in face of his new werewolf healing. He stared at himself in the mirror and finally tied his hair back in as tidy a tail as he could manage and then retucked his shirt, trying to smooth out as many wrinkles as possible. This had to go well. It _had_ to.

Once he was satisfied, he left the house, walked at a swift clip down the row of lack luster houses, ignored various barking, angry dogs... When he got out of range of any passing muggles, he stopped, took a breath, and then concentrated. He heard a faint POP in his ears of apparation and then opened his eyes. He still hated the feel of that transport and could count on one hand how many times he'd done it since passing the class in school that year. His luck that his birthday was in January.

The restaurant had a nice, open air to it. The furniture was white with accents of gold and tan and there were windows lining the walls to let in light. Severus felt more out of place than ever. Still, he persevered and narrowly searched through the light crowd. One man caught his attention because he was staring right back at him. Severus didn't need to wonder. This was Damocles Belby.

Belby was an olive skinned, wide nosed, greek man with frizzy, curly white hair and a generous beard. His face was lined with age and pockmarked, and there was a hard edge to his brown eyes. He looked serious and focused, just how Severus had imagined him. Of course, he could recognize that kind of focus from his own work.

Severus sat down and they began the interview. Belby had a no-nonsense sort of way to him. He didn't so much interview as interrogate Severus as the afternoon wore on. They only ordered tea and Belby watched him mix in milk and honey as if it would give him an insight into whether or not Severus would do. In the end, they shook hands and Belby promised to write him soon with his answer.

Severus apparated and then walked the rest of the way home. He tugged the tie from his hair, changed into plain clothes, and then flopped back onto his bed. Who knew how long Belby would need to deliberate? Severus, deep inside, was rather sure he'd be rejected. Surely, there were other young wizards to choose, ones who were better. Smarter. Just...not him.

Because depression, as usual, had reared its ugly head, Severus did the only thing he could: he started his homework. Homework was tedious, mind numbing, and oh so easy to settle into doing. He spent most of the day on his assignments, ignoring the sounds of Grandfather Snape grumbling about this or that and his mother moving about to clean or mend.

Lupin wrote back. The letter came a week after his went off. Severus was a little surprised he bothered, and even more surprised when he felt almost happy he _had_. He took the letter from his bewildered mother, who didn't even think to ask him who Remus Lupin was, then went to his bedroom, shut the door, and sat on his bed as he opened and read it.

“SS-

She certainly is a vindictive bint. But any particular reason why?

-RL”

It took two days for Severus to formulate a reply and longer to get another bit of change for postage. With this second letter, Tobias gave him a narrow look and asked if it was important. Without thinking, Severus lied and told him it had to do with the prospective internship for next summer. Otherwise wordless, Tobias handed over a few more pounds than Severus had actually asked for. He almost felt guilty about it, but instead just rushed to post the letter and buy more stamps and envelopes for future letters. He was rather sure Lupin intended to continue to correspondence.

Indeed, he did. Every week or so, there was a new letter and he replied as quickly as he could. They never talked about much, but the letters grew progressively longer in length, if not in depth. Severus kept his letters, stuffing them in his pillowcase on the bottom side. He didn't expect his family to pry, but he was paranoid enough to protect his privacy.

Late July, Severus left and apparated out to meet Lucius. The older man gave him one of those arrogant smiles he was known for and shook his hand formally, as if he'd never held a twelve year old Severus Snape as he sobbed over a cross word from the girl he liked.

“Sev, glad you could make it,” he said as he led Severus up into the Malfoy mansion. Severus had been there once before and it was just as intimidating now as it had been two years ago. He curled his fingers in the hem of his button up shirt, feeling so very _common_ in the face of Lucius's obvious pure blood, nobility, upbringing, and old money. Lord Malfoy was out for the day, but Lucius's mother was there. Severus privately thought she was one of the most beautiful women he'd ever known, second only to Lily.

Lady Malfoy gave Severus a small, controlled smile after he stuttered out a weak hello, then turned to her son. “Our other guest will be arriving later this afternoon, Lucius. Do try not to be late.”

Lucius inclined his head and then she glanced to Severus, looking him up and down in a manner that made him feel even more self conscious.

“And find something more appropriate for your friend, will you, dear?” she added. Lucius smiled. Severus felt more common than _dirt_.

In the end, he and Lucius talked in the blond's bedroom. They got caught up on little goings on, Lucius offering to pull a few strings and secure his apprenticeship, Severus declining but offering his congratulations to Lucius for his engagement to pretty Narcissa Black, even if she _had_ been borne from the same family as Sirius Black. Lucius informed him quite smugly that Sirius Black had just been disowned, nary a week before. Severus figured he couldn't feel bad about crowing like a fool over it. Black deserved it. Or could he even claim to be a Black anymore? How absolutely hilarious.

Lucius found a set of billowing black robes that looked rather silly on the hanger. However, he insisted that Severus tried them, for they were the only set Lucius had that hadn't yet been altered for his height. About the only thing Severus had on the other boy was height, though Lucius was quite a bit broader in the chest and shoulders.

The robes fit not like a second skin, but like an old friend. They settled over Severus' body with a welcome heaviness, the soft inner lining of silk caressing his skin almost obscenely. There were alterations needed for a good fit, but as Lucius looked over him with a critical eye, the blond smiled.

“Sev, I do believe we've found your look.”

Severus glanced at him, his cheeks faintly reddened as he fiddled a bit with the row of tiny buttons down his front and the ones at his cuffs.

“...You think?”

“I know. Trust me. If there's one thing I know best, it's how to cut a fantastic figure.”

Severus looked back at the mirror and wondered, idly, what Lily would think of him in this.

Lucius called for one of the house elves, a thin little thing who was quite a bit handier with a needle than she had any right to be, and ordered the robes fitted to Severus despite the boy's protests.

“Sev, this looks too good on you,” Lucius purred out as he rested his hands on his younger friend's shoulders. “I insist you take it. Call it a late birthday gift, or early Christmas.”

In the end, Severus really couldn't reject them. He liked the look and feel far too much and once they were tailored to his thin shoulder and thinner trunk, the robes looked even better. They covered him almost fully with a high neck, long sleeves, and floor length ending. Tiny buttons made a row down his chest with careful stitching to draw in along the sides and accent his thin frame, rather than throw it out on display. The edge of his black shirt sleeves showed under the cuffs, but Lucius slapped his hands away when he tried to fix it. Something about a 'look'. He also refused to let Severus tie back his hair.

They spent the afternoon talking, catching a late lunch, and just enjoying their company. Severus found out that there was a party planned that evening, which was why Lucius had been so very insistent that he come that day. Apparently, there were loads of people he wanted Severus to know. Lucius knew the value of networking and becoming known. He saw no fault in sharing this with Severus, nor did he sugarcoat why. Severus' skill in potions was far more than Severus himself could appreciate, apparently, but there were many, many people who _could_. Getting his name known would help in the long run. Privately, Severus was rather terrified that his name would become known for quite a different reason. He'd not told Lucius of his 'hairy problem' as Lily termed it, but not doing so caused a lump of guilt in his chest he couldn't quite rectify.

The party was boring. Severus trailed behind Lucius as the blond spoke with this man or flirted with this woman. Narcissa was along soon enough to kiss his cheek and murmur a few words before she went off again to gossip with a few other young girls. Severus sipped the water he'd managed to beg out of Lucius, who had tried to be insistent on the wine. The idea of being inebriated at _all_ around these powerful pure bloods was bother enough not to give in.

Towards the end of the night, another visitor arrived but this one was different. The man was tall and broad with a playboy face and tidy black hair. He could have been considered handsome, but what really drew Severus' eye was the aura of power and confidence he exuded from every pore. He walked with the grace of the royalty and the smirk of a conquering hero. Severus noticed how nearly everyone gave this man a wide berth, but could not for the life of him recognize who it was.

At his side, Lucius stiffened suddenly.

“Severus,” he hissed under his breath. Severus jumped a little but the blond had his attention. And then the man turned his head, looked towards them, and smiled. Severus had never been so terrified in his life. He stayed very still as the man slowly walked towards them, giving another soft, cold smile here and there, and then he was right before them.

“Hello, Lucius. I suppose this is the friend you told me of? Hello, Severus. I am Lord Voldemort.”


	8. But Dying Is Not Possible

Severus stared and he was rather sure his face had gone sheet white. Beside him, Lucius bowed his head in respect and gave him a pointed look to do the same, but Severus couldn't make himself move.

Lord Voldemort was not someone he had ever thought he'd meet. In school, he often caught a copy of the Daily Prophet from one of the other Slytherins and read about the anti-muggle attacks, letters of threat against the Ministry, and open lectures of Wizarding superiority over the last few years. Lord Voldemort, whoever he really was, had become the leading voice on the political front and terrorist activities.

After a moment, Severus frowned. How could a man like this _possibly_ show his face in the open at a random party? It didn't make sense.

“Are you bluffing?” he asked. Lucius stared at him incredulously. His milky skin paled even farther, as if Severus had just signed his own death warrant, but Severus wasn't about to be cowed. “Why would Lord Voldemort show himself in public, unescorted? He's a wanted criminal. That would be utterly _daft_.”

He was a little surprised Lucius hadn't fainted. He didn't think the older boy was breathing.

“Lord Voldemort” only chuckled and his reddish brown eyes bore amusement. “Oh, you _are_ charming. A healthy dose of pragmatic disbelief is quite refreshing in these times. I suppose I could just kill you to prove things, but _where_ would the fun in that be.”

Severus blinked. Such a casual threat didn't quite scare him so much as intrigue him. Those who could throw around threats so easily were either uselessly weak, or far more powerful than he had any right to associate with. From the aura so very easily felt around the man, Severus's hypothesis leaned towards the latter. A cold knot formed in his throat, but he hid it best he could. Somehow, he knew showing weakness to any of these people, even an impostor, would be more than stupid.

“I find things are easier to swallow when I can prove them,” Severus murmured carefully. Lord Voldemort chuckled.

“Quite the scientist's mindset, but perfect for a one specializing in potions, I suppose.” He smiled again and the lump in Severus' throat grew worse. “Lucius has told me much of you. He believes there may be...use for you in my campaign. I'm inclined to agree with him.”

Oh Merlin. He was being asked to join with terrorists.

Severus knew most of his year mates had fathers involved in the dark arts, a few even boasting that their parents had joined in with the Death Eaters, as the followers of Lord Voldemort called themselves. Severus hadn't ever thought about them closely. It didn't affect his life much, except that sometimes there were students crying in other house tables after news of a murdered family member or friend. With this, he also knew what the Death Eaters _did_. They killed, ravaged, destroyed, persecuted...

But who was to say muggles and their allies _didn't deserve it_? Severus' entanglement with muggles was limited to a few. His father, grandfather, one great aunt and a few cousins... They were all petty, horrible people. Even Lily's idiot sister was horrid and her parents were nearly as cold to him. With his experience, could he really say they were _wrong?_

Lord Voldemort smiled. “There's no need to decide now, Severus. After all, you have school and likely training after that, correct?”

Severus nodded mutely.

“There is nothing more important than a full education... Though, I dare say that Hogwarts' curriculum is lacking here and there. Ah well. One can't have everything.”

The man didn't tarry with them long. Soon enough, he'd swept up some other poor sap and Severus watched clinically the way everyone around them deferred to him without a thought. Perhaps it really was the Lord Voldemort.

Lucius grabbed his hand and dragged him forcibly over to the drink bar. “That was beyond _stupid_ , Sev. I can't believe you're still _breathing_.”

“If I'm as useful as you seem to think, I don't think I have anything to worry about.”

The blond gave a weak laugh and rested one hand along his left forearm, rubbing with uncharacteristic nervousness. Severus narrowed his eyes.

“You don't know how lucky you are that he found you _funny_ ,” Lucius murmured and sounded strangely subdued.

“I don't understand.”

“Sev, that man... That man's not normal. He's...”

“Powerful. I know. I could feel it.”

“Not just that. There's... Look, just be careful. He can help you, make you into something great and fantastic. It's _worth_ the risk, but... Sev, you cannot _ever_ make that man angry with you. Do you understand?”

Severus looked at him, scrutinizing the pale shade of his skin, the worry in his gray eyes, and the faintest shaking in his hands.

“That really is Lord Voldemort, isn't he?”

“Yes.”

Severus took a breath and leaned against the bar with sudden weakness. “Merlin, and I just...”

“Yes. You did. You _idiot_.”

“I'm going to die.”

Lucius's lips quirked into a weak smirk. “No. I think you amused him. He's not used to that kind of spirit, I suppose.”

“No. No, he wouldn't be, would he.”

They didn't stay much longer. Seconds after realizing just what he'd done, Severus was overcome with shaking. Lucius led him back to his room and the boys sat stiffly on the bed as they _both_ trembled. However, much as Lord Voldemort terrified him, Severus couldn't help being intrigued. Perhaps Lucius was right. Perhaps the risk was worth it. Lord Voldemort had connections. His followers came from every sect of wizarding society. He could get his name known, gain fortune and fame. Once he got his potions mastery, who knew _what_ doors these high placed friends could open for him?

He'd never have to go back to Spinner's End.

He had to think.

Once the trembling stopped, Severus changed back into his clothes and folded the new robes up carefully. Lucius walked him out of the manor to the apparition point, gave the last farewell, and then Severus went home, straight to his room.

He laid back on his bed and stared at the ceiling and thought of Lord Voldemort. The man knew about him. Maybe it was just from Lucius, but he had enoughs kill that both of them bothered to _think_ about and _remember_ him. That counted for something, right? Maybe he would take the offer. It wasn't as if he was opposed to what Death Eaters did. Much. Maybe a little.

Maybe a lot. He was glad Lord Voldemort didn't expect an answer yet.

Severus sighed and dropped his arm over his eyes. He kept remembering the way people moved right out of Lord Voldemort's path, how they looked at him with fear and adoration... Severus wanted that. He wanted to be _important_. He wanted to be _noticed_. He wanted...

He wanted to not be a poor, ugly, uncharismatic throw away.

The next morning, Severus got a letter from Lupin. He read it once then blinked and read it again. And then one last time, but it still didn't quite make sense. So, he read it _again_.

Lupin had invited him to spend the last moon of summer with him. That... didn't make sense. It wasn't like they were friends. They _weren't_. They were just... Pack. That sounded strangely intimate, but it was the only way he could think about them in relation to each other. So why would Lupin...?

Severus ended up accepting the invitation. His mother was relieved. The wards took a lot out of her and she didn't like having to see him so ripped up after. He didn't blame her for it.

Therefore, the morning before the full moon, Severus apparated to London with an overnight bag and met Lupin's father. Mr. Lupin had a kind face and sad, puppyish brown eyes. His blond hair was thinning on top and clipped cleanly. He wasn't very tall (Severus had several inches on him) and had a hopeful air around him that was worsened by the pleasant expression on his face. Severus wasn't quite sure what to make of him.

“And you would be Severus?” Mr. Lupin greeted with a smile, holding out his hand. Severus stared at him and then took it as if he thought the man might bite him. Mr. Lupin brightened. “It's nice to meet you. I'm glad you'll be with us for the next few days.”

Severus nodded stiffly. “Yes, sir.”

“Oh, no need for formalities! Lets get back to the farm then, shall we?” Keeping a hold on Severus's hand, Mr. Lupin side-apparated them. Severus stumbled a bit when his feet hit the ground again and then looked around.

The Lupins lived on a small subsistence farm. It was rather nice to look at, really. There were lots of trees and a little pond beside their small home. He could just see a cellar door a ways from the house, set into the ground. There were two fields just behind the house and a small barn. Severus hadn't known what he was expecting but it wasn't this.

A short woman with graying, light brown hair stepped out the front door, a dish in her hands that she was drying with a towel. She had the same pleasant look to her face as Mr. Lupin, and the same sad eyes.

“Welcome back, John. This is him, hm?” She looked Severus over but he didn't get the feeling she was judging him. It was a weird though. “Welcome to our home, Severus. I hope you enjoy the visit.”

He doubted it, but still nodded. “Yes, ma'am.”

Mrs. Lupin tittered a little. “Such a polite young man! Oh, I can't _contain_ myself!”

Severus took an involuntary step back and just stared at her. Mr. Lupin chuckled.

“Come on, Marny, you'll scare the poor boy off. Where's Remus?”

“Oh, in his room. Just take your bag there, Severus, we've already gotten things ready for you boys. Second door to the right along the hallway.”

Severus quickly left their company after a quiet thanks. He felt completely out of his depth. Hopefully, Lupin wouldn't be as hard to handle. Severus shook his head a little and headed off for the directed door only to stop dead when it opened and Sirius Black stared back at him. _Damn it._


	9. So Live

Severus was surprised when he _didn't_ immediately get hit in the face. Black backpedaled with a yip that drew Severus' brow upwards and then the bigger boy scowled.

“What the bloody hell are _you_ doing here?” he sneered out. Severus sighed and his hand tightened on the strap of his overnight bag.

“Right now, I'm wondering.”

Black scowled but before he could say anything more, Lupin grabbed his shoulder and dragged him back a bit.

“Hello, Snape.”

“Lupin.”

“I'm glad you came.”

Severus nodded a bit, eyes sliding back to Black, who looked absolutely incredulous.

“ _This_ is why Prongs and I can't stay tonight?!”

“Yes.” Lupin let go of him and crossed his arms over his chest. “You spent the last one with me. At least let Snape have _one_ calm moon before school starts again.”

Severus frowned. What did _that_ mean? But he wasn't to get an answer just yet. Black decided he didn't much care for the arrangement. He ranted and raved but Lupin was having none of it. Secretly, Severus felt rather pleased to have the other werewolf fight for him, even if it was so surreal. And then Potter and Pettigrew, who had been hiding farther in Lupin's room, got into it. Had he not wanted to cause trouble for the Lupins, he'd have cast a silencing charm already, underaged magic be damned- Wait a moment. He was seventeen!

Black, Potter, Pettigrew, and Lupin looked very surprised when they suddenly weren't making noise anymore. Lupin immediately shot Severus a glare. Potter caught on next and seethed. Black and Pettigrew were still trying very hard to scream and couldn't get anything out. Severus glared at the lot of them.

“Idiots.” That caught Black and Pettigrew's attention. Severus crossed his arms over his chest, holding his wand. “Look. I'll just go home. I didn't know I was inconveniencing you.”

Potter had the decency to look surprised and maybe just the faintest bit embarrassed. Lupin, on the other hand, immediately shook his head in a firm no that Severus ignored.

“Anyway. Finite Incantatem.” And Severus pulled the door shut with a slam and started back down the hall. He heard the yelling start again and ignored it. Damn it. His face felt hot and there was a weird lump in his chest. Merlin. He shouldn't have bothered.

Mrs. Lupin looked vary surprised when he came out, still holding his bag. She caught his arm before he could get farther than the kitchen and Severus flinched, giving her a sudden, fugitive look.

“Oh, honey...” She was so _sympathetic_. “Come on, I'll get you some pie.”

Severus tried to protest, managed something about leaving, but by then Mrs. Lupin already had him sitting at the kitchen table and a plate with a large piece of chocolate pie sitting on it, complete with whipped cream dollop. A perfect whipped cream dollop. _How...?_

Mrs. Lupin set down a fork, gave him a smile, and then went to stand in the doorway to the kitchen as she continued drying dishes. Severus picked up his fork and poked at the pie awkwardly. Wasn't he suppose to be _gone_ by now...?

He stiffened when he heard the arguing escalate from down the hall and then there was a door slamming and rushed footsteps and-

“ _Mum!_ Please tell me you stopped him!”

“Honey, what on _earth_ are you talking about?”

Severus glanced over, shoulders hunched. He felt like some kind of criminal for some reason. It only made him feel minimally better to know that Mrs. Lupin had managed somehow to keep Lupin from seeing into the kitchen enough to know he was still there.

“Severus! Sirius and James and Peter were being prats and he stormed out.”

“Well. That doesn't sound all that fun.”

The single Slytherin in the house was trying very hard not to notice that Lupin seemed very comfortable using his first name at home.

“Did he leave? _Damn it!_ I wanted this to go _well!_ ”

“Language!” Mrs. Lupin patted his arm. “Send the boys home, honey.”

“What?”

“Your friend's still here. Send the boys home.”

He didn't know what look was on Lupin's face, but his mother suddenly giggled. Then there was more stomping feet and more yelling as Mrs. Lupin went back to the sink. Severus stared down at the pie he still hadn't taken a bite of. It was half destroyed by his picking, but that didn't make him stop.

After the yelling finally subsided, he heard grumbles and storming feet and eventually a few half hearted farewells. And then it was quiet until Lupin poked his head into the kitchen. Severus heard him sigh with apparent relief.

“There you are, Sev-” Severus _looked_ at him and Lupin caught himself. “..Snape. I thought you might have left.”

“....Your mother offered pie.”

“It's good pie.”

Severus thought he might have heard Mrs. Lupin snort as she finished up the dishes. She hung up her dish towel and left the kitchen, giving Lupin another pat on the arm as she went. Lupin's cheeks were reddened and he looked just faintly out of sorts, likely from the fight he'd just had with his best friends. Severus' eyes went wide suddenly. Lupin had fought with his best friends. Over _him_. He didn't know what to think about that.

Eventually, Lupin made it over to sit down across from him. Severus glanced at him and then looked back at the pie. Silence spread over them for quite a while before Lupin chuckled, racking a hand back through his hair.

“...Sorry, Snape. I figured they'd be gone before you got here.”

Severus lifted a brow. “What. Were you _ashamed_ to let them see you with me?”

“What? No!” Lupin stared at him incredulously. “Of course not. I just... You guys don't get along well at _all_ -”

“I _hate_ them.”

“Granted. But, anyway, I didn't...Well, tonight's going to be uncomfortable enough for you. I wanted to make it a little...easier, I guess.”

Severus looked at him. “...Easier. You cared enough to think about that?”

“Of course I did. I'm not a _total_ heartless bastard, Snape.”

He had to give him that one. Severus poked at the destroyed pile of pie and finally took a bite. It really was good pie.

“And...you're my pack.”

Severus stiffened. More of that pack nonsense. It just made him think back to the train, when Lupin had grabbed him and hissed in his face. He still wasn't sure how he felt about that one.

“...The last full moon. It was harder,” Severus murmured with a frown. “More painful. Is that what you were worried about?”

Lupin blinked and then flushed. “Ah. No. Not really. But that does make sense... You're used to going through the chance with me. It's... easier that way. Being with packmates. I read about it.”

“Oh. Then what was it?”

The other boy was very much _not_ looking at him. Severus had a sudden attack of paranoid suspiciousness.

“Well?”

“It's..not very easy to talk about, Snape.”

“I don't give a damn. Spit it out already.”

Lupin sighed, scratched through his hair, and then rested his head on one hand. “... You like Lily, right?”

Severus stiffened and didn't answer, but Lupin didn't need him to.

“Snape, do you know anything about wolf mating habits?” Lupin still wasn't looking at him. “Wolves mate when females are in heat. Once a year, usually between January and April... Humans aren't like that. Our females are fertile every _month_ and there's no telling which one will be fertile at which time.”

He wasn't quite sure what Lupin was implying but he didn't like it at _all_.

“Have you ever gotten laid?”

Severus dropped his fork and stared in humiliated silence. Lupin glanced at him, reddened further, and then looked away.

“...Bad question. Anyway. Um.” More silence. Lupin fiddled with a button on his over shirt. “It's different with werewolves. Only about half of us are feral enough to react to heat hormones much. Some of us react to every single female they get near and some not at all. But... You already fancy someone. It's going to be harder for you to control it.”

“Are you saying you think I won't be able to keep my hands to myself?” Severus's voice was very cold.

“What?! No!!” Lupin jerked up straight, staring at him with slight horror. “Just... I wanted to _warn_ you. I know what it's like. And...I have to... Well. Never mind, it doesn't matter. I just didn't want it to surprise you. Like it did me.”

Severus was still frowning. He looked back at the pie, which was looking less and less appetizing as the seconds went by. Finally, he managed a begrudging thanks for the warning.


	10. And Learn

The rest of the day was, thankfully, not nearly as awkward. Severus helped Remus work in the garden, since the idea of chatting it up anymore made him absolutely uncomfortable. And it needed to be done anyway. They didn't speak much past “let me see the hoe,” or, “is that a centipede?”

Thank Merlin they didn't talk anymore about heat or mating or wolves. Severus might have had to rip out his own eardrums.

Mrs. Lupin made a very nice lunch and then a very nice dinner after. Severus didn't find it hard to eat until he was almost sick both times. He felt a little better when he saw Lupin doing the same. Both parents didn't seem to mind how quiet the boys were. And perhaps they were a little amused by the shy, rather embarrassed looks both kept giving each other.

Severus felt a great sense of relief when night closed in. He and Lupin went out to the cellar, dragging back the doors and stepping down. The walls were pressed earth and smelled of wet, but the cool air below was comforting none the less. Lupin tugged a hanging light on. Shelves lined the rather wide cellar, stalked tall with cans, jars, and boxes marked in tidy script.

“We should be comfortable here... Put your clothes over there,” Lupin murmured as he started tugging off his over shirt. Severus stopped dead.

“Wait. We're undressing _in front_ of each other?”

“Does it _look_ like there's a curtain around?”

Severus stared at him. Lupin stared right back. Then he sighed a bit, shook his head, and turned his back on the other boy.

“I promise not to peek.”

Severus snorted. As if Lupin would have any interest in looking anyway. It wasn't like Severus had _breasts_.

They undressed and stashed their clothing without looking at one another. Then they sat down against one clear wall and waited. Severus hugged his bony knees to his chest, itching under his skin as the moon's power flowed through him, getting him ready for the change. He closed his eyes, almost relaxing into it, then -

“What the _hell_ gave you _that_?”

Severus blinked and looked over to find Lupin staring at him. He'd have been utterly horrified that the naked boy was looking at his naked self, but instead followed Lupin's wide eyes down to the rather large bunch of bruising along his hip and side. There were other marks elsewhere, but he had to admit that this was a particularly spectacular piece of work. What had that been from again...? He thought back and then found the obvious answer. Oh. Yes. He'd pissed Grandfather Snape off the night before. He'd been pretty sure that was _bleeding_ in places before he'd gone to sleep, but oh well. Werewolf healing and all that.

“I fell.”

“Like hell you f- _unngh!_ ”

Saved by the moon. It warped their bodies and Severus had faint comfort that it wasn't nearly as painful as last time before his mind disappeared and the wolf took over.

The wolf liked having a bit more space than last time, but he missed his _usual_ hunting grounds. This smelled like his pack leader and some large dog and some prey? Prey that wasn't around for him to _eat_. Still, it was betting having the other wolf there. They fought and sniffed about and then curled up against each others' fur when the night waned.

Severus woke up to the feeling of fingers brushing through his hair. He was too sore and warm to move at first, but the unfamiliar feeling nagged at him long enough that he finally opened his eyes... Lupin.

Somehow, Severus managed to get across the cellar in less than a second. “What the hell, Lupin?!”

The other boy lifted a brow and sat up with a shrug. “You were dreaming.”

“And that means you can invade my _personal space?!_ ”

“Well, you _were_ laying on me. I thought you might need the sleep.”

Severus wondered if he could die of embarrassment. Blessedly, Lupin decided not to continue the awkward, upsetting line of conversation. Instead, he got up and began to dress, tossing Severus' clothing to him. The Slytherin pulled on his clothes faster than he could ever remember.

Mrs. Lupin showed up soon enough and took both boys to bed. She made them gulp down a healing potion each and then they were out as soon as their heads hit the pillow. At least Severus did. He slid in and out of consciousness, as usual, sometimes to Mrs. Lupin making him drink water or potion, sometimes to voices talking in hushed tones. It didn't really matter to him much.

Evening rolled around before Severus woke for real, also normal. He sat up and yawned, running a hand back through his hair. He was still sore and tired, but at least he didn't feel like utter shit anymore. Lupin wasn't there, which comforted him faintly, but just prompted Severus to get up and find the boy. He stumbled a bit in the hallway and nearly cursed at a stubbed toe, but managed to keep it down. Especially when he heard voices in the kitchen. They were muffled at first, but Severus crept close with the skill of years living with Snapes.

“Honey, even if he's being hurt, you know we can't do anything about it unless there's proof,” he heard Mrs. Lupin murmuring and suddenly he went cold.

“Oh, there's _proof_ all right. Mum, you should have seen his hip! And if that was still there last _night_... I don't even _want_ to know what was there _before_. It looked bone deep already!”

“Now, son, think about it. With what he is now.. Proof might disappear too quickly to be documented-”

“But if that poor boy will just come _forward_ -”

“No. I don't think Severus would even think to.” Lupin sounded so _sad_.

Severus was just _angry_. How _dare_ they talk about him behind his back. How _dare_ they think about bringing his shame to light. How _dare_ they think _he_ would! It's not like any of that even _mattered!_ It was like Grandfather Snape said. The day he became a man, he wouldn't have to deal with this shit anyway. So what did it _matter?!_

Going back to Lupin's room, Severus found his overnight bag and made sure all of his things where there. Then he threw it over one shoulder and stormed right out of the house, slamming the door behind him. He heard voices, heard the door open again and someone shout his name, but he was too angry to stop walking.

Lupin grabbed his arm and hauled him back with strength Severus didn't know he had in him.

“Severus, wait!”

“ _Let me go, you filthy mongrel!_ ”

Lupin's eyes went wide but Severus was too enraged to care. He jerked his arm out of Lupin's weakened hold and before he could even think about it, he was punching Lupin in the face. And Lupin took it, stumbling back a few steps. When he looked back up, there was blood dripping from his nose an and he still looked so very shocked. Somewhere near the door, Severus heard Mr. and Mrs. Lupin yell something.

“No more!” Severus roared. “No more letters, no more talking, no more _pack_! I'm finished with you, Lupin. I want nothing to _do_ with you. You and all your self-righteous hero _bullshit!_ As if you have _any_ right to talk about _my family_ that way! Just leave me the hell _alone_.”

Lupin opened his mouth to say something but before he could get it out, Severus had managed to apparate.

He didn't go home. His parents weren't expecting him until tomorrow anyway. Instead, Severus found himself at the park he and Lily used to play in when they were younger. It wasn't much of a park, just a block of empty space that happened to be covered in grass. People walked their dogs there sometimes. There wasn't anyone there after twilight, not in _this_ neighborhood. Severus sat against the only tree in the whole place, pulled his knees to his chest, and rested his forehead on his knees.

_Damn it._

He didn't even know why he was so angry. He should have been happy _anyone_ noticed him. Even if it was bloody Lupin and his too-nice parents. But he hadn't been happy. Not at all. Severus didn't hate his family, much as he should have. He wasn't sure he loved them, but they were his. He couldn't say the same for much else.

At some point that night, much later than he should have been out in a factory district, it started to rain. Severus finally levered himself in and went home, sneaking into the house as quietly as he could. He froze halfway to his bedroom, hearing something shift in the house, but it went quiet after and he continued. Severus dried himself off with one of his blankets, dressed in pajamas, and crawled into bed. He barely slept, plagued with a horrible, unfamiliar guilt over what he'd said and done to Lupin. But it was Lupin's own fault. Not _his_. Lupin didn't _have_ to stick his nose into every little problem...

Severus woke up to his mother knocking on the door and the sound of continued rainfall outside. He lifted his head, looking with bleary confusion at the closed door. His mother never bothered him, usually. With a sigh, he levered himself out of bed and opened the door.

“...What is it?”

“Oh.” She stared at him a moment, as if surprised he'd bothered to wake up for her. “There's someone here to see you.”

Who the _hell?_ Maybe he'd get lucky and it was Lucius, though he couldn't think why the blond would come to a muggle house and no one else knew where he lived.

Severus yawned a bit and followed Eileen out to the front walk. He blinked when he noticed his father standing with his arms cross over his chest, glaring through the open front door. Curious and confused, Severus glanced at him and then stepped past to see who was waiting.

It ended up being a very waterlogged Remus Lupin in a rain coat. _Damn it_.

“Please don't slam the door shut in my face,” Lupin had the gall to say. Severus grabbed the door and nearly did on principle.

“What do you want, Lupin?”

Behind him, Severus heard his father's intake of breath and then Tobias grabbed his son's shoulder as he stepped up to his side, his expression hardening further.

“Lupin,” Tobias ground out. “Remus Lupin?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You're the monster that attacked _my son_.”

Severus paled and went very still. His father sounded _murderous_.


	11. And Hope To Merlin

Lupin didn't look like he was breathing. Tobias' hand tightened on Severus' shoulder but all the Slytherin could think to do was keep still and quiet.

“Leave,” Tobias growled. “Don't bother us. You've done enough damage.”

“Sir, I just want to talk-”

“If you don't leave now, wizard or not, _werewolf_ or not, I'm calling the authorities. _Get off my property._ ”

Lupin's eyes flickered from Tobias' coldly enraged face to Severus and then back again. After a strained few seconds that felt like hours, he took a step back. And then another one. And then he turned around and disappeared. Tobias let go of him and closed the door. They stood there in total silence, neither moving. Severus knew his father was looking at him but he couldn't meet that gaze.

“If he comes by again, I'll have him arrested,” Tobias said quietly. It sounded halfway between a threat and a comfort. Severus glanced at him but quickly dropped his gaze again.

“He won't.”

They were quiet again. Severus picked at the edge of his t-shirt.

“Kitchen. Your mother has breakfast for you.”

Severus left without another word, glad for the dismissal. He heard his father mutter something and then head to the living room, but by then, Severus was safely in his mother's presence. She'd cooked a big meal. He noticed she did that around full moons now. Maybe to help him recover. He thanked her, at any rate, and ate quickly before helping her clean up. From the living room, he could hear Grandfather Snape complaining about something and Tobias answering with some sarcastic insult.

Maybe... Maybe this was why he'd been so angry. Sure, his family wasn't perfect, but they were his. And they cared, in their own way. Mostly. Bloody Lupin. He didn't understand at all.

Lupin didn't write again. Severus wasn't sure if he was glad or not. The summer went on. He visited Lucius a few times, thankfully without meeting up with Lord Voldemort again, but that was more from his unspoken agreement with Lucius not to attend any more of the Malfoy parties. At least for now.

At home, things were... normal. Severus spent time in his room once his chores were done and avoided the adults. He listened to his father and grandfather bicker, or his grandfather just yelling at one or both parents. In a way, the noise was soothing. Familiar.

Severus notched off days on a rough, hand made calendar. He tended to make one at the beginning of the summer, just for those few months he wasn't at Hogwarts. Most of the days were ticked off in thick red lines. Three weeks before the start of term, Severus received his letter and the scholarship disbursement for his books. He and Eileen then went up to Diagon Alley to get books, supplies, and then back home for Eileen to fit his old robes. He hadn't grown much in the last year, but he had gotten thinner. Eileen took in the robes a bit, fixed a frayed hem along one cuff and the bottom, and then reinforced all the hems, just to make sure. Severus always liked these days before the fall term began, if only because she fussed over him.

A week before September, Severus made his biggest fuck up _ever_.

It seemed small. Severus was helping his mother drag out a bunch of old quilts to air them. Eileen had meant to do this last year, but things had come up and the task was set aside for later. Severus didn't mind helping, though the dust bothered his nose. He and Eileen sneezed every few minutes as they beat the quilts and hung them along the line across the garden.

As Severus tugged on of the last quilts out of the trunk, it caught on a rough edge. He frowned, trying to tug it loose and then scowled farther when he heard an unfortunate rip between three squared. Eileen looked over with surprise and then helped him get the bloody thing free before looking at the damage.

“It's not much. I can probably fix this,” she murmured, running her fingers over the ripped edges of old cloth. The thing looked a hundred years old or so. Severus wasn't even sure it _could_ still be used, easily as it had torn.

Before either of them could think much about it, the back door opened and Grandfather Snape wheeled out onto the grass.

“Bitch, there's no goddamn lemonade. What the hell have I told you about my lemonade?”

Eileen sighed a little and got up from examining the quilt. She murmured a tiny apology and hurried into the house to accept the man's “request”. Severus glanced after her and then his eyes were drawn back to his grandfather who, for once, was not glaring at him. Instead, the old man stared at the torn quilt in his hands and his skin went pale. Severus blinked and then felt a cold terror in his chest when Grandfather Snape turned his gaze onto the boy.

Oh _fuck_.

“ _You_ ,” Grandfather Snape hissed out as he took hold of his cane. His eyes were wide and nearly red with rage, lips curled back and half rotten teeth clenched so tightly they could have busted right then. His face was almost purpling. Severus had never seen him so angry. He couldn't even move.

The cane came down smartly across his face but even that and the blood that began immediately to stream from his nose wasn't enough to shock him into movement.

“ _That was Vivianne's, you bloody bastard!_ ”

There wasn't even time to remember who Vivianne was before the cane cracked into him again and he saw stars. Grandfather Snape continued to scream at him as he brought the cane against him over and over. Severus tried to cover his head, curling up on the ground with the quilt still clutched to his chest. The cane cracked against his back and he felt something break and screamed but it didn't _stop_. Over and over and over and he was crying like a bloody _girl_ but it hurt so much and he couldn't even think, his vision doubled-

And then it stopped. He couldn't move, curled up against the grass as a sobbing, shaking wreck. He thought he heard his mother's voice, something hitting the ground, but his blood rushed through his ears so hot and loud. And then everything went black.

He woke up in his bedroom and it hurt to breathe. Sitting next to the bed was his father. Tobias looked pale and his eyes were deadened, blank. There was dirt on his work clothes and his hands, which hung limply in his lap. Severus wasn't really sure what to think of this.

“Your grandfather...” Tobias trailed off and his expression didn't change at all. Severus looked at him, tired and bruised too much to move. His breathing sounded harsh and a little wet to his own ears and he was afraid he might be trembling faintly in his father's presence.

“Mum?” he croaked, shivering at the hoarse sound.

“She's outside.”

A faint tension left him, but that didn't make everything all right. It should have been Eileen in here with him. Tobias had never been the comforting type.

Even now, Tobias was still just staring at him with that blank, not quite right look on his thin face.

“What...h-happened...?”

“I don't know. When I came home...” Tobias usually only said things he meant to finish, things he'd thought about deeply before verbalizing. He never spoke without need and he never hesitated. “You'll stay in bed. Three broken ribs.”

Not surprising, but Grandfather Snape generally didn't beat him so severely. He vaguely remembered something before things went hazy. “Who's... Vivianne..?”

“Your grandmother. She died before you were born.”

Oh. That explained things. No wonder Grandfather Snape had been so angry. Though, Severus found it hard to imagine the old man caring about anyone but himself enough to get so angry over a ripped quilt.

His father didn't seem intent on saying anything more for now. After a few minutes of quiet and staring, Tobias got up and left, closing the door quietly behind him.

Another day passed before he found out what happened and that was only because he noticed a strange quiet over the house and asked when his father brought him dinner.

“Where's Grandfather?” Severus' voice had cleared, throat healing easily enough from screaming while his ribs took a slower rate, bruises slowly fading off as well.

Tobias looked at him steadily and then set the dinner tray down on his bedside table. He sat down on the chair that had remained at Severus' bedside.

“He's dead.”

Severus didn't know why it shocked him so much but he fell silent and just stared at his father. Tobias didn't look sad, still just... empty. Severus wondered if he looked that way too.

“Where's Mum?”

“Resting.” The way he said it set Severus on edge, but Tobias wasn't about to elaborate. Not yet.

“How did..”

“Heart attack. He was old.”

Severus doubted it. He'd never doubted anything as much as that statement, but he didn't call the man on it.

There was no funeral but Tobias took a week from work off anyway. He informed the family. No one really cared except Great Aunt Esther, and that was just her asking for his medals so she could sell them at the next flea market. Tobias sent the damn things in the mail the next morning. Grandfather Snape's body was burned. Tobias conveniently forgot to pick up the ashes and when the funeral home called, he told them to throw Grandfather Snape's urn away.

Severus was well enough to get out of bed by the third day, but Tobias made him stay until the fourth anyway. Finally, Severus left his room. He showered, tidied up the bed, and then went to find his mother, who hadn't shown herself the entire while he recovered.

When he did find her, he wished he hadn't. Eileen sat on the edge of her shared bed with Tobias. She stared ahead, hands clasped in her lap. She was still wearing the clothes she had been the last time he saw her and he felt sick nausea when he noticed the dried blood stains across her chest and along her arms. His? He didn't know, but it looked so _wrong_ on her.

“Mum?”

She didn't respond and didn't even look at him when he came round and knelt in front of her. Severus did everything he could think of to rouse her attention, but nothing. As if she was just _gone_. His chest hurt and it had nothing to do with knitting bones.

Tobias found him eventually and pulled him from the comatose woman. Severus didn't even care that the man had seen him crying. It was the greatest godsend that Tobias didn't say anything about it. He didn't say a damned word.


	12. It Gets Better

Eileen still hadn't spoken before Severus went to school, but that morning, she was in the kitchen making breakfast when he got up, tugging his trunk behind him. He thought she was better. She wasn't. She still didn't look at him or his father.

Breakfast was quiet. After, Tobias walked Severus out to the closest spot near by they could find for him to apparate from.

“She'll get better,” Tobias told him. Severus nodded but he didn't think she would. There was something more to the story she refused to tell either of them. Like why she'd been covered in streaks of blood when Tobias swore there were no wounds on Grandfather Snape's body.

Severus set his trunk straight and hesitated. His father stared back at him, quiet and grim.

“That boy goes to school with you.”

“Yes.” No point in lying.

“If he bothers you, I'll have him expelled.”

Severus wasn't comforted to hear it, mostly because he knew Dumbledore would never expel one of his precious Marauders. Still, he gave a quiet, “Thank you.”

They stared at each other for a little while. Severus could feel Tobias following the dark marks still decorating his face near his left ear and under his eye. His body seemed to decided the ribs were more important, so it was just starting to really get at the minor damage. Then Tobias turned without another word and headed back home. Severus watched him go. He wondered then if his father's back had ever seemed so thin and burdened before and when Severus had stopped being so intimidated by him.

Shaking his head, Severus apparated and got to King's Cross to catch the train. He managed to avoid most unpleasantness by getting there early and quickly secured a compartment before most students began trickling into the station. Through the window, Severus saw Avery and Wilkes. He was surprised to see how they'd buffed up over the summer, settling into more adult bodies that might get even bigger. Rosier trickled in next and Severus was a little surprised when he didn't see Mulciber anywhere. Then he blinked and remembered that Mulciber had been a seventh year. He wasn't coming back. It was about as shocking as when he'd come back for third year and realized Lucius wouldn't be coming back either. Severus had never been close to Mulciber, but he'd known the older boy was watching out for all of them, even if just to make sure he had dirt on them later on.

Then Severus saw Lupin. Surrounded by Potter, Black, and Pettigrew, Lupin should have been laughing easily and happy, but he wasn't. Severus narrowed his eyes. Black was telling a joke, all wide gestures and big mouth, Pettigrew already laughing even though he wasn't finished yet, Potter with a hand on Lupin's shoulder, but though Lupin was smiling, Severus knew it wasn't real.

He wasn't sure why he cared, but he did. Lupin was suppose to smile freely. He was suppose to be easy going. He was- stopping in the middle of the platform like he'd seen a ghost. Severus narrowed his eyes, watching. He recognized the faint head movement of taking in scent and this close to the first full moon of the school year, Severus wouldn't be surprised if Lupin could track it and he was fairly sure it was him Lupin _had_ caught wind of. The sudden heavy look of regret damn well confirmed it.

As Black and Potter noticed something was up, Severus stopped looking. His chest felt tight. The ribs were still tender. That had to be why. It wasn't like he gave a damn.

Rosier found him first and Severus felt the other Slytherin's eyes drop to his bruised face but Rosier knew better than to say anything. It wouldn't be the first time a Slytherin bore marks coming back from summer, nor the first time Severus had. They chatted amiably until Avery and Wilkes made it there, then the four of them began a round of exploding snap for lack of anything better to do. The train started without them bothering to notice. All in all, it was a rather pleasant trip, even if Wilkes had to leave part way through to meet the other Prefects.

Soon enough, they got to their destination. The three remaining Slytherin seventh years headed out to claim a carriage for themselves. Severus heard Wilkes yelling at a couple younger kids to either get them faster over to their carriages or to the growing group of first years. It was amazing, really, seeing how _young_ those kids looked. Of course, they were only ten or eleven, but it still surprised him. Shaking his head, Severus climbed in after Avery and spent the ride there listening to the shorter boy pick on Rosier for his long, bouncing curls, since Wilkes wasn't around to stick up for him. Rosier just blushed and ducked into his hood with a little sigh.

“Mother wanted me to look presentable,” he muttered, tugging at one curl. Avery snickered.

“Oh, yeah, real presentable. For a _fag_.”

Instead of flushing and getting angry like he should have, Rosier blanched. Avery caught it, as did Severus.

“Wait a minute,” Avery murmured with an incredulous stare. “You're not-”

“Of _course_ not!” Rosier squeaked.

“You're a bloody _pouf!_ ”

“I am not! Stop calling me names before I hex you into next week!”

Severus just blinked and stayed out of it as the two fought. Fag? Could Rosier really be... _that way_? He thought about it logically. Since last year, he _had_ noticed Rosier spending an inordinate amount of time with Wilkes. They were rarely apart, even when Wilkes had his Prefect duties. And Severus didn't remember a time Rosier had genuine interest in any of the girls. Huh. It could be true. Severus wasn't sure how he felt about that. Merlin, they slept in the same _room_. What if he'd been _ogling_ \- That thought paused and Severus nearly snorted at the idea that anyone, even a fag, would ever look at him twice.

He decided it didn't matter if Rosier was _that way_. Or Wilkes, for that matter, if he was as well. Actually, Severus had the oddest urge to congratulate them, but he didn't think Avery would be all that thrilled with the acceptance. Hell, he might even accuse _Severus_ of being a fag, despite the well known fact that he was and always had been in love with Lily Evans.

Speaking of Lily. Severus fumbled getting out of the carriage when he saw her. She'd curled her hair for the trip and the deep red locks fluttered around her shoulders and over her back. She looked positively _angelic_ and he felt his heart light just watching her. Then Avery shoved him out of the way to get out, grumbling under his breath about bloody poufs. Severus rolled his eyes and ended up stopping Rosier just outside the carriage.

“What?” Rosier shot at him, defensive. Severus lifted a brow.

“Whether he's right or not, I don't give a damn, Evan,” he said clearly and watched the boy's blue eyes widen. “Honestly. I could care less. It's not like you're any different than you were on the train.”

Rosier stared at him critically, searching for any sign that he might be lying and suddenly Severus knew it was true. Rosier was a fag. And he still didn't care. Finally, Rosier gave a terse nod.

“...Thanks,” he said quietly. “...You know, Sev. You're one of the nicest, most honorable guys I've ever met.”

Severus blinked and then he felt a little queasy. Well _that_ wasn't a good Slytherin trait. Rosier grinned at him.

“Oh, don't be that way. You know what I mean.”

“No, I rather don't.”

It was Rosier's turn to blink. “What, honestly?”

“Honestly. It's not as if I go about in armor, saving damsels or anything.” Severus folded his arms over his chest as they started towards the castle, Rosier snickering beside him.

“Oh no. You start doing that and I'll be looking for Imperius,” the blond quipped. “But seriously. I just kinda noticed it. Like when you started tutoring the younger years-”

“Only to bring up Slytherin in the grade rankings. Can't let Ravenclaw win _everything_.”

“Or how you keep those Gryffindor blockheads from noticing anyone else-”

“Purely because I loathe them enough for the whole house.”

“There is the fact that you don't seem to care about _me_ -”

“Because it honestly doesn't matter.” Severus sighed with exasperation. “I'm not a _saint_ , Rosier. Stop painting me as such.”

“Blimey, you just can't take a compliment, can you?” Rosier shot back, a brow raised. His eyes slid to his bruised cheek. Severus didn't like it, so he kept the banter going.

“When they're empty and false, of course not.”

Rosier rolled his eyes. “Ugh. You're horrible.”

“At last. Something we can agree on.” Severus muttered and Rosier just snickered a bit.

The feast was rather enjoyable, if only for watching the new firsties look so little and pathetic and terrified. Severus was rather sure enjoying _that_ completely negated whatever 'honorable' notions Rosier supposed he had. Ugh.

A full belly made him tired and lethargic. He followed his housemates down to the dungeons. Avery was _still_ shooting Rosier nasty looks, even after Wilkes told him to knock off being an asrse. And then Avery sent _him_ nasty looks, but Severus doubted it had anything to do with his own suspicions. He watched Rosier and Wilkes closely, how they interacted. There was nothing in their speech or actions that told of a forbidden romance, but he hadn't honestly thought he'd find any. They were Slytherins and, like most of the house, they at least knew discretion.

It all made Severus wonder, however. What would it be like with a boy? He was old enough to know how things went with girls, but how on _earth_ did it work between boys? _Was_ there anything more than... well, _jerking?_ He thought about asking Rosier sometime but that idea was squashed unmercifully. No. It wasn't as if he'd need to know, anyway. But he could wonder.

He wondered if a boy's hand felt different against skin than a girl's. Girls were all soft curves and fluff. Boys tended to be hard angles and strength. Where a girl's hand was light and smooth, a boy's was calloused and rough. Severus laid back on his bed, staring at the ceiling. What _would_ it be like..?

It was easy to imagine a girl. Lily's soft hands sliding over his skin, caressing him with her lips, pressing her curvy, warm body against his own. He could hear her sighs and see the way her skin would flush as he touched her, caressed her, _loved_ her. As he let the images flow over his mind, he felt his body responding slowly. Severus let it and continued to imagine. She'd feel so hot and wet inside and before he took her, he'd make her writhe and whimper under him...

And then the images changed. Suddenly, there was a rough hand pressing against his chest, another sliding down his hip, calloused fingertips itching his skin deliciously. Severus drew in a shallow breath and then _stopped_ breathing as he felt strong fingers curl around his hardened length and touch _perfectly_ , with the knowledge of having done this so many times. A hot mouth nibbled and licked along his skin, claiming as that hand bound him like a wire until it finally _broke_ and he nearly cried out with hot joy.

Severus snapped his eyes open, staring up blankly as he panted softly. After a few moments, he glanced down at his own hand down his pants and mussed with completion. Wait. Did this mean he was _gay?_


	13. So That One Day

Severus was decidedly _not going to be gay_. It was all well and good for Rosier and maybe Wilkes, but not Severus bloody Snape. He had no illusions of whether or not his father would beat him bloody or _dead_. Ugh. Besides, he couldn't be a fag. He loved Lily Evans to the bounds of his soul. Therefore, it had just been a silly daydream. Nothing more. He'd _make it_ nothing more. One little fantasy certainly wasn't enough to change his entire sexual orientation.

Except it wasn't just one little fantasy. As the first week dragged on, Severus found himself bombarded at random with sudden arousal. Unfortunately, it tended to happen more around Lily, which embarrassed the ever living hell out of him. He wanked more often and harder than he had in his _life_.

The full moon that next weekend was almost a welcomed relief. Surely, this mad rush of hormones would leave him the bloody hell alone as a beast. In his need to escape the unwelcomed bursts of arousal, he forgot that Lupin would be there as well.

Severus jolted a bit when he spied the boy, who went very still and stared at him. After a bit, Lupin went back to the bedroom without either of them speaking. Severus undressed and waited for the moon to change him. Surely, he wouldn't have to deal with these damned hormones as a _beast_.

The change came rapidly and for once, Severus didn't mind the pain. His body shifted and contorted and finally, the wolf stood and stretched his aches away. There was a need in him, a great, sucking need to mate. He could smell her. Even this far away, he could smell her and she was _ready_ and it was _time_. He had to mate now or it would be too _late_. As the black wolf whined and barked and scratched at walls, desperate to find a way out, the brown wolf suddenly pounced. They tumbled and rough housed and bit the crap out of each other. In the intervals between, the black wolf continued trying to find freedom and failed, only to be pounced once more. He almost hated his pack leader for getting in his way.

Severus woke to a soft gasp. He opened his eyes, lifting his head from the pillow of his folded arms, and scowled at Lupin. The shorter boy stared, his cheeks pinked.

“ _What?_ ” Severus snarled at him. Lupin jumped, eyes redirecting to his face.

“Ah. Nothing.” And then Lupin fled to the bedroom.

Severus scowled and got up, and then he shuddered. What the- _for the love of Merlin!_ He glared down at the inappropriateness of his anatomy and took care of it with clinical preciseness. Hormones be _damned_ , couldn't he _ever_ catch a break?!

He dressed and thankfully, Lupin didn't come out until Madam Pomfrey came to fetch them. She fixed them up and sent them off. Before Severus could get far, Lupin grabbed his arm and even through his shirt sleeve, that firm pressure made him shiver. Severus ripped his arm free and gave Lupin the nastiest glare he could manage.

“What do you what?”

“To apologize,” Lupin replied meekly, glancing away as he scratched at the back of his neck. “For...before.”

Severus scowled and folded his arms over his chest with defensive tightness. “And what do you think you did wrong? I want you to know _exactly_ why I'm angry with you.”

Lupin pursed his lips, but he didn't seem all that surprised. He thought about it a bit, then answered. “For talking behind your back. And insinuating your family would...”

“You were _wrong_.”

“Yes.”

Severus nodded a bit, satisfied, but that didn't mean he had to let Lupin off the hook. He was still angry about it. “Fine. You've apologized. Now apologize further by leaving me the hell alone.”

Lupin glanced at him and looked like he was about to say something, but he thought better of it and closed his mouth, merely nodding instead. That done, Severus left him be and went to recover in his dorm room.

The horrible prevalence of arousal finally staved off a day or so after that. Severus gave whispered thanks to whatever deities or wizards that might be watching over him. Now that _that_ was over with, he could get to his studies, whatever that had been

Dumbledore called him into his office farther into September. Severus felt a bit nervous, but he hadn't done anything wrong. Even Potter and his idiots hadn't bothered him much. He hated to think that was Lupin's doing. There was nothing he wanted less than to be in the other's debt.

“Ah, Severus, my boy,” Dumbledore greeted warmly as he waved to a chair. Severus sat but he declined the offered lemon drop. “Now then. I've been looking over your grades from the last year and I've decided to offer you...specialized training.”

Severus frowned, instantly suspicious. When had Dumbledore _ever_ given a damn about him before?

“What kind of training?”

“I'm sure at some point, considering your high marks in Defense Against the Dark Arts, you've come across an ability known as 'Legilimency',” Dumbledore replied and for once, the man wasn't smiled. “I understand that you've stated in your career survey that you wish to become an Auror after Hogwarts if you are unable to secure apprenticeship towards a Mastery in Potions.”

Severus blinked a little. Mentioning such a rare skill at seeming random, and then his career choices in the same thought? The frown returned. What could that _possibly_ have to do with anything?

“...I have come across it,” Severus admitted after a moment or so. “And yes, I do have notions towards becoming an Auror...But what does the first have to do with the second?”

Dumbledore looked at him and for a moment, Severus wondered very suddenly if the old man knew far more than he'd ever let on before. It was a common theory that Dumbledore could read minds-

“You're a Legilimens,” the boy murmured in faint surprise. In retrospect, it wasn't surprising at all.

“Yes, my boy. I am.” Dumbledore folded his hands on his desk and looked at Severus steadily with that same seriousness that almost scared him. “Legilimens are taught by other Legilimens. There is no other way to get the training.”

“Are you offering..?”

“In a way.” Dumbledore sighed a little. “More correctly, I am offering to teach you the other side, Occlumency, but in doing so, you will learn Legilimency at the same time.”

Severus stared. The power to wrap his mind in a defensive shroud _and_ to delve into the minds of others...? It was an awesome responsibility and Dumbledore trusted _him_...? “How... _Why?_ ”

“Because I have a feeling in my bones it may be needed.” Dumbledore smiled but it wasn't pleasant at all. “I have lived this long following my instincts, Severus. Now is no different. Will you accept the training? It will not be easy and you will not enjoy it. In subjecting yourself, you will allow me entrance into your thoughts, your feelings, your memories. And I will attack them continuously.”

The Slytherin swallowed thickly, feeling shaky at the very idea. But even at such a cost, could he really give up the opportunity to show himself as worthy of Dumbledore's attention...?

“You don't have to decide now-”

“Yes.”

Dumbledore looked at him, silent and solemn.

“Yes. I'll do it. When do we start?” Severus sounded quite a bit more steady and strong than he actually felt. It was terrifying, the idea of _anyone_ invading his mind so blatantly, but he would do it. At least Dumbledore would never use that knowledge against him. At least after, no one else would be able to do it, either.

They set up a schedule quickly enough and then Severus left with his heart in his throat. By Merlin, just what had he agreed to? The schedule would be murderous along with his class load. Before anything else, he happened to pass the Gobstone team captain and quit. Graham wasn't happy with him, but there was little he could do about it. Besides, just because Severus had quit didn't mean the other brilliant members wouldn't bring them to victory in the next match. He shook Severus' hand, wished him luck in his studies, and then strode off with dignity.

Severus spent the next hour hyperventilating in an empty hallway when the real severity of what he'd just agreed to hammered home. He shook, sweat, fretted... Eventually, he managed to pull himself out of it and really _think_.

Dumbledore was sure enough the ability would be needed that he'd teach it, and Severus doubted he'd gotten permission from the Ministry. Legilimency was strictly controlled by the Ministry for the very reason Severus feared it so. But for a man like Dumbledore, who had so much lose, to circumvent governmental policies...

He really, really hoped Dumbledore was wrong, if only for what it meant to him _personally_. Dumbledore expected him to _need_ to cloud his mind. Or perhaps he was the only one Dumbledore thought would succeed in the training? He doubted it. After all, Phineas Abernathy had beaten him overall in scores. What if it was just _what_ subjects he excelled in? Again, doubtful. He'd only beaten out in Potions, Defense, and Ancient Runes. There had to be more to the decision...

...Or did there? Perhaps it had been arbitrary. Somehow, that didn't fit with a man like Albus Dumbledore, but there _was_ the possibility. In the end, Severus realized he was beginning to grasp at straws and decided to let it go for now. Later, when he'd spent more time with the man, he'd find out.

The lessons began at the end of the week and they were easy, at first. Dumbledore taught him various meditation exercises. He didn't need any help in controlling his emotions. Years as a Snape and Slytherin had cemented that nicely. Clearing his mind was much more difficult. Severus thought constantly, an endless stream of experiences, reactions, counter-reactions. A week of meditation for hours after classes and homework and he'd gotten the basic trick down, but maintaining it proved the harder of the two.

And then the unwanted, completely unwarranted arousal returned a week before October's full moon. It was nearly impossible to concentrate past it and Dumbledore cut the sessions short for now, urging him to practice on his own when his body wasn't rebelling so fully. With the second occurrence, Severus figured out what was wrong. Lupin had warned him of the heat, reacting to female ovulation hormones, but he hadn't really believed it at the time. And now, it confused him why he wasn't bombarded by it at all times, since there was no logical way every fertile female in Hogwarts would be ovulating at the same time.

Severus tracked Lupin down, loathe as he was to be in the other boy's presence. He found him with Potter and was quite unsurprised at that fact. Lupin was rarely alone. As he came up to them in the library, he noted Potter's immediate change in scent in reaction to perceived aggression and the thrill of a perceived fight. Severus had thought it annoying in the beginning that when his sense of smell heightened in the days before and directly after the full moon, but he'd grown to appreciate it when his enemies broadcasted their feelings so easily.

“Lupin. A word.”

Potter almost snarled something but Lupin touched his shoulder and got up, wordlessly following Severus deeper into the library so that they wouldn't be overheard.


	14. You Feel Human

As soon as they were alone, Severus grabbed the front of Lupin's robes and shoved th other boy up against the closest bookshelf.

“ _When. Does. This. Stop?!_ ”

Lupin blinked a bit but the faintest draw of scent was all he needed to know exactly what was wrong with Severus. And then he blushed, the bastard.

“Snape, it's..”

“Annoying. Unnecessary. Embarrassing, _Pick one._ ”

“All of them?” Lupin managed lamely. “..When did it start?”

“Three days ago. Three bloody days and it's worse than the first time. It's worse _every day._ ”

Lupin blinked a little. “It shouldn't be worse.”

“It is. The dreams and then around her-” Severus cut himself off, fingers tightening in the front of Lupin's robes as he looked away with near pain at just how humiliating that was. Anytime he got near Lily, it was all he could do not to throw the girl down and take her right then and there and so close to the moon, he could smell her nearly across the castle.

“Around Lily.”

“Yes.”

Lupin swallowed a little. “You really _are_ in love with her, aren't you?”

“No. Of course not. Where did you get _that_ idea?” Severus snarled at him sarcastically, all teeth and curled lips. He felt Lupin tense at such aggression but he didn't really care.

“That's why. You want to mate with her.”

Severus blinked and then snorted because that wasn't funny at _all_. Frankly, he felt a bit hysterical.

“How do I make it stop?!”

“You can't,” Lupin replied bluntly, looking back at him without a bit of hesitation. “When she's...er..”

“Fertile.”

“Yeah. When she's... like that. You'll react.”

“Every month?”

“Every month you're near her or where she's been.”

Lupin's face was beet red. Severus let him go and then slumped back against the bookshelf behind him. There wasn't a way to stop this. How the hell was he suppose to deal with these feelings, this alien insistence? Would he have to avoid her every month when this went on, much as his body yearned for her?

“What about you?”

Lupin blinked. “What?”

“The heat?” Severus pressed, giving the other boy a scowl. “Do you... does it..”

“No.” Lupin shrugged a bit, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “It doesn't affect me much. Sometimes it doesn't at all. Depends on the werewolf.”

“How bloody lucky for _you_.”

Severus wanted to hit him. Lupin had the grace to look apologetic. Lifting a hand, Severus covered his eyes and clenched his jaw.

“It's not that bad-”

“ _Shut up, Lupin._ ”

Lupin shut his mouth with an audible click as Severus glared at him through his fingers. If Lupin didn't react, he didn't understand at _all_. It was so hard, keeping himself under control, staying just far enough that the temptation wasn't too great, the sleeplessness, the spontaneous erections. He could barely stand it all.

Severus left soon after. There wasn't anything Lupin could do, though Lupin had promised to find a way to help. Severus sincerely doubted he'd find anything, the useless mutt.

Lily found him a day or so later and asked if he'd help her study for her Herbology test. He agreed without thinking about it and it was only after, when he was heading back to his dorm, that he realized his folly. _Damn it._ He'd managed to avoid being alone with her since the second heat started, for it was far easier to control his urges when there were others around, but he just _couldn't_ say no when she asked for his help. Heat or not, he'd do anything for her. Merlin help him.

Severus awoke antsy and itching with the distant moon. He went through his classes distractedly, all the while worrying over that evening. Thankfully, no one cared enough about his distraction to bother him. There was an outburst during Defense Against the Dark Arts, but the professor had been asking for it when he decided to do a dueling lesson. Avery's arm would heal just fine, though.

At dinner, Severus was so nervous he could barely get a thing down. Rosier gave him a worried look, but he didn't press. After, Severus gathered his book bag and headed down to the classroom he and Lily generally studied in.

As soon as he entered the room, he knew this was a very, very bad idea. Lily sat at a table, books already strewn about, but looked up and smiled at him when he stepped through the door. Her scent washed over him in an instant and he barely hid a shiver. Somehow, he managed to answer her smile with one of his own, weak as it might have been, and then sat across from her. Maybe the table between them would help things.

Studying was hard enough in the beginning, but as the minutes passed, it became almost impossible. His eyes kept flickering up and tracing over her long lashes, elegant nose, the ruby red of her lips... When she absently licked those lush lips, he almost moaned. His pants constricted painfully around his swollen length. If there was a hell, this was it. At least, that's what he thought before she reached up and loosened her collar, undoing one or two buttons, and he could see the barest edge of soft mounds-

That was it.

Severus didn't even realize he'd moved until he was suddenly kissing her, one hand on the table as he leaned over it and the other curled around the back of her neck. She gave a noise of surprised and her lips parted. Severus immediately took the unintentional opening to deepen things, even as he felt her hands at his chest, pushing him away. He couldn't _stop_.

And then hands grabbed him and dragged him from her. Severus yelled but strong arms wrapped around him and he heard someone telling Lily to leave. She bolted for the door and he tried to go after her. The strong scent of her, of his own arousal, it wasn't enough to mask his pack leader – _Damn you Lupin!_

Severus managed to break free and made a move for the door, only to find himself suddenly bodily pinned to it. He rebelled, snarling with rage, and then sucked in a hard breath when there was suddenly a hand on his junk and all he could do was shudder. Lupin's hot breath his his throat as he palmed him through his pants and the musky scent of arousal wasn't just his own anymore. Severus bit his lip hard enough to taste blood, nails digging into the door. Lupin was hot and strong behind him and his hand moved against him to cause delicious friction he couldn't get enough of.

“Severus,” Lupin whispered, faint and breathy and almost _wet_ , “Severus, I'm sorry.”

And then his pants were being opened and a hand ferreted inside, bypassing his boxers entirely. All Severus could managed was a whimpered groan as thicker fingers wrapped around his cock and _stroked_. He couldn't breath and his hips jerked without control. He was consumed with _want_ and _need_ and oh _Merlin_ , it felt so _good_.

Lupin's other hand was at his chest, dragging his robes open. They fell from his shoulders and then buttons were pulled open before he felt rough, calloused fingers against his bare skin. Severus groaned aloud as one brushed across his nipple and a slight jolt of pleasure went straight to his groin. His heart pounded in his ears but he could hear every shift of fabric, Lupin's panted breath against his ear, the wet noise of Lupin's hand moving over his flesh. Pinned up against him, he could feel Lupin hard and heavy against his backside and Lupin's hips moving against his own. He didn't give a damn _what_ Lupin was up to, as long as he didn't _stop._

Severus jolted with a wail when Lupin's thumb brushed the blunted head of his arousal, teasing the slit with the next pass. He pressed his cheek against the door, eyes shut tightly as he gasped for breath. Nimble fingers found his nipples and harassed them thoroughly ans Severus whimpered. Too much, too good, oh _Merlin_...

And then he was coming in hot, hard spurts, his entire body shuddering as his hips jerked and fucked Lupin's fist frantically. He felt Lupin's mouth come down on the juncture between throat and shoulder and he cried out as Lupin bit down. It should have hurt but it didn't and it was so good, so good...

Severus half collapsed against the door with only the pressure of Lupin's body keeping him there. He panted and shook, eyes closed tightly so he didn't have to ruin the moment by realizing just what he'd done. Vaguely, he felt warm wetness as Lupin's tongue laved over the bruising bite, but he was too strung out to care.

“Severus-”

“Shut up, Lupin,” he murmured weakly to cut off that whispered voice. Lupin fell silent and didn't move, breathing against his throat. For a while, that was the only sound Severus heard once Lupin had pulled his hand from inside his shirt and slacks.

This was too much to think about. Severus was bone tired of thinking.

“Thank you.”

He felt Lupin stiffen a bit behind him, drawing in a swift breath.

“..I almost... I...”

“It's okay.” Severus wanted to believe that, so he didn't push Lupin from him as the Gryffindor wrapped his arms around him, hugging him firmly to that strong chest as he buried his face against Severus's shoulder. Lupin was still hard and it dug against his buttock, but he didn't care about that. Lupin's grip was firm and warm and comforting, and Severus didn't want him to let go.

“It's not. It's so not. If you hadn't come..” He didn't think he'd have taken no for an answer.

“I did. I had to. I always will. It's okay.”

Severus gave a shivery breath and finally opened his eyes. He let Lupin hold him for a long while before finally pulling away to fix his clothes, tucking his spent length back inside. Merlin. He didn't want to think about this. _Any_ of it.


	15. And Not Worthless

The full moon that night was little comfort. However, when Black, Potter, and Pettigrew showed up and revealed themselves as animagi, Severus spent the night fighting with Black and Potter and trying to eat Pettigrew with Lupin getting in the middle of things to make sure he didn't kill any of strange animals he'd come to think of as pack. The Marauders left that morning with far more bruises and bites than they'd expected and a higher appraisal of their foe.

Tired and worn as he was, Lupin swore to talk to Lily. Severus doubted he would be able to do much. Not after what Severus had almost done to her. Every time he thought about it, he felt sickened.

He and Lupin didn't talk about what happened between then. Severus wanted very much to forget about it, no matter how many times his dreams turned to the hot, heavy sound of Lupin's breathing or the rough feel of his fingers on his skin. The bruised bite on his shoulder managed to heal in a day or so.

It was only later Severus found out what Lupin had meant when he said he'd had to come when Severus had acted against Lily. Another wolf thing, the inability for a pack leader to let any wolf but himself mate. It hadn't meant anything more than that. In a way, Severus was relieved. But mostly he was just ashamed of himself.

He was more ashamed of himself when he saw Lily a few days after. He stopped dead in the hallway as their eyes met. Hers widened and then she gave him a weak, insincere smile before darting off. He'd lost her. He'd well and truly lost her and it _devastated_ him. Rosier found him later, hunched over a toilet in the third floor bathroom. He didn't say anything, but he held Severus as he shook and gagged and cried, rubbing his back and just being there. Severus was too miserable to even snap at him like usual.

All Severus could do after was throw himself fully into his studies. He took up the Occlumency lessons again, meditating almost religiously. When he thought of Lily or of what Lupin had done with him, he turned from it and pushed both to the edges of his mind, locking them away. He couldn't deal with either issue, so he ignored them and went on. It worked and before Halloween, they'd started on the practical. Distancing himself so much from Lily and she working to do the same even kept the heat from bothering him too much. Meditation helped as well.

Dumbledore was a brutal teacher. Once he'd taught Severus the basics of counteracting an attack, he invaded his mind with such force that it physically threw Severus to the ground. Over and over, Dumbledore attack and Severus failed to fight him off. The headmaster dredged up the worst of memories, playing through them while Severus begged him to stop and swarmed at him with every bit of power he could muster. It _felt_ like rape, even if he knew Dumbledore held no ill will. In a way, the whole thing was like justified punishment.

It seemed as if he were making no process at all, but Dumbledore congratulated him after each session and told him he was doing very well. He gave him new exercises to do on his own time and a few books to read. Severus plowed through with as much dedication as he gave his normal lessons.

Severus managed to distract himself well into November, when he finally started being able to fight off Dumbledore's attacks, minimally. Fighting left him even more exhausted than just enduring. What kept him going was the need to succeed, the need to be victorious, the need to have Dumbledore tell him he'd mastered that rare art... That he'd been _worthy_ to learn it.

Lucius sent an invitation to spend the Christmas hols with him. Severus accepted. After all, Dumbledore had made it clear they were be taking a break from the lessons for the holiday and there was nothing _else_ to keep him. Severus wrote to his father to tell him of the arrangement and received no response, just as he'd expected. He wondered how his mother was doing. Maybe she'd spoken. He hoped she had.

An unexpected side effect of the Occlumency training was he found himself having slight better control of his urges during Lily's monthly heat as time went on. They tended to happen around the full moon, which heightened his senses so much that he could scent her fully across the campus, follow her trail from room to room if he felt like it, but it was easier to ignore the need to go to her. It didn't make it go away entirely, but it was more...bearable and he could expect it better. Especially when they had their one class together. Of course, he kept remembering the wide eyed, almost frightened look she'd given him. It was the best thing to keep him away. Too bad he hadn't had this training before.

With Dumbledore's lessons coming to a halt, Severus suddenly had free time after the normal school hours. He tried to use them to meditate once his homework was done, but more often, he found himself wandering. He steered clear of his own housemates as much as possible. Rosier kept watching him closely when he was around and he got the feeling it was from worry more than any suspicion. Wilkes and Avery either didn't care or didn't notice, but the latter was equally annoying with his grumbled comments and generally bad mood. And the younger years... Well. They just didn't know when to shut up and leave things alone.

December's full moon was the same as November's and October's had been. Lupin's friends showed up, transformed, and Severus did his damnedest to kill and/or eat them. It should have been a stress relief but it really wasn't. He left the shack feeling just as moody and grouchy as before.

Severus hadn't gotten any better days later when Lupin tracked him down and dragged him unceremoniously into an empty classroom.

“What the _hell_ , Lupin?!” Severus snarled out, finally ripping his arm free of Lupin's grasp as the door closed behind them.

“You need to talk to Lily,” was the quiet but strangely firm reply. Severus grit his teeth.

“I'm not going near her. Not after I-” He choked. Even months after, he remembered every moment and felt sickened. “I can't.”

“Look. If you don't talk to her, if you don't resolve this, you'll regret it forever.”

Lupin reached over and took his shoulder, giving it a short squeeze. Severus glared at him.

“I _already_ regret it. Don't you realize how much I regret it?! _I love her, damn it!_ Even if she never accepts it, I will _always_ love her!”

Lupin narrowed his eyes. “Then stop being a coward and go talk to her.”

“Fuck you,” Severus snarled out, jerking back from Lupin's grip. “Like you'd _ever_ understand-”

“Why are you so quick to think you're the only one who has _ever_ been in love and made stupid mistakes?” Lupin shot back in a quiet, calm voice that left Severus without a foothold. “I'm not all that surprised. You've had to survive thinking only of yourself for a long time, haven't you?”

“You-”

“ _Shut up and listen to me, Snape._ ”

And, miraculously, Severus did, more from shock than anything else. Lupin stepped closer and Severus retreated on instinct until his back hit near the door and Lupin's hand rested near his head against the wall. Severus blinked a bit at the sudden close quarters. Lupin seemed so... _big_. He knew, logically, that he was the taller of the two, but Lupin had never been quite this intimidating before. Brown eyes looked more gold as Lupin glared at him.

“You,” Lupin growled out as he jabbed Severus in the chest, “need to get your head out of your arse. There _are_ other people around, there _are_ bigger problems, and the world does _not_ revolve around you and your inadequacies.”

Severus could do little but stare. And notice that Lupin's scent was suddenly... very, very attractive. And not quite right, but it was far enough from the moon that his senses were starting to dull and he couldn't pick out very little thing from them.

“How do you think Lily feels?” Lupin pressed. “Her best friend went after her with no warning and then refused to talk to her after she ran away. She _misses_ you, Snape. She misses her _friend_.”

“I can't be her friend!” Severus finally shot back, gritting his teeth. Scent... something important, but he didn't have time to think about it just now. “I can't be trusted near her. Damn it, Lupin, I'm trying to do whats best for her!”

“No. You're trying to do what's _easiest_ ,” Lupin murmured in a softer, colder voice as he pressed in closer and Severus' back went flat against the wall.

“Like you would know!”

Lupin paused. And then he laughed and it was not a pleasant sound at all. “Oh. Trust me, Snape. I know _intimately_.”

Severus felt a sudden flush to his face as he stared and immediately flashed back to the last time Lupin had cornered him like this. He could feel Lupin's breath on his face and he was _so close_. His scent was _engulfing_ him. And there was something else, something he really, really needed to pay attention to because it was important and right _there_ , but he couldn't.

And then Lupin's other hand lifted and placed on the other side of Severus' head as he took another step that brushed faintly between Severus' legs, bringing them nearly touching along their trunks. Severus closed his eyes tightly, lips pursed.

“Lupin-”

“Talk to her, Snape. She needs you and master of control you've shown yourself to be, you _will_ be there for her and you _will_ control yourself in her presence.”

Severus was too warm. His heart had quickened at some point and his mouth felt dry. His hands curled tightly at his hips. His breathing had gone ragged.

“Snape?”

He managed to open his eyes and look back at Lupin, watching concern flow into the usually kind face as the shorter boy took in his state. And then a faint flush came to Lupin's cheeks.

“Oh _hell_.”

“ _Shut. Up._ ”

Severus didn't even know why it was happening this time but after a few moments, Lupin leaned just enough to bring them tight, chest to chest, and Severus let out a quiet, breathy sigh as he shut his eyes again. He felt Lupin's breathing quicken and turned his head, only to hear Lupin _growl_ and it went straight to his groin as Lupin's face pressed straight to his shoulder.

“Merlin, I'm sorry,” Lupin murmured and Severus felt his hands move and rest on his hips as they remained pressed together. Severus could hear Lupin's breathing quicken and then Lupin shifted and it was all Severus could do not to groan as that put pressure against the enlarging problem between his legs.

“L-Lupin, she's not...She's not here, why am I- _ah.._ ”

Lupin had shifted again, a knee between his legs and firm pressure and _Merlin_ , it felt good, but this was so _wrong_. Severus shivered and grabbed on to the other boy's shoulders, needing the handhold.

“I'm sorry, I didn't think-” Lupin was muttering stupidly as Severus tried desperately to calm his breathing and his body.

Dear Merlin, why was he reacting like this _now?!_ Lily wasn't even-

A noise, movement over Lupin's shoulder. And then he saw her. Across the room. Staring from inside a half open cabinet. _Fuck._


	16. And Not Useless

Lily.

Lily was there.

Lily had _heard_. She was _seeing_... seeing _this_ , whatever _this_ was, whatever _Lupin_ was doing. He could smell her all over the room now that he was paying attention, now that Lupin wasn't distracting him.

He couldn't _breathe_.

Somehow, Severus managed to rip himself from Lupin's grip and the pressure of Lupin's body. He made a dash for the door and managed to get his hand on the knock before his legs were kicked out from under him and he fell hard with a grunt. A strong hand caught the back of his uniform and jerked. Severus cried out, but Lupin caught an arm around his throat and hauled him back against his own body.

“No more running!” Lupin snarled out as Severus tried to rip free of his arm. It wasn't tight enough to keep him from breathing, but he was having enough trouble with the way his heart pounded and his lungs seemed so _small_. Lupin secured his arm with the other, pinning him affectively there on his knees against Lupin's chest.

“Let go!” Severus choked out, tearing at his skin, but Lupin wouldn't budge. In the edge of his vision, Severus could see Lily climbing free of the cabinet and rising. “Let _go!_ You _bastard_ , don't you understand?! Let _go!_ ”

“You're not running this time, Snape.” Lupin's voice had dropped, quiet and dark along his neck and Severus shuddered with hopelessness. “She needs this. _You_ need this. So get your head out of your arse and stop being a coward.”

Severus grit his teeth but his eyes fell onto Lily and watched as she slowly, cautiously approached. Her green eyes were wide, face slightly pale. Merlin, she was so _beautiful_. Severus trembled and swallowed the growing lump in his throat. She was so beautiful and he'd hurt her, he'd attacked her, and-

Lily knelt down in front of him, close enough to touch if he reached out. He didn't, hands tightening on Lupin's arm.

“Severus,” she whispered. He swallowed again, unable to speak. Her face turned with concern and then a deep sympathy that would have angered him on anyone else. Hesitantly, she lifted her hand and reached out, brushing her fingertips down his cheek. Severus flinched, shutting his eyes tightly because he couldn't turn away. So close. So close and he wanted her so very _badly_. She made a noise and drew her fingers back before murmuring so softly, “Is it painful?”

Yes. No. He didn't know where to start.

“Severus,” she called again and he opened his eyes, staring at her with a torrent of fear, want, longing, and sorrow mixing within him. He didn't know _what_ to feel. Lily swallowed. “...I'm sorry. I sorry I can't... that I can't return your feelings. You're my best friend, Severus. I never wanted to hurt you like this.”

Somehow, that hurt even _more_ but he couldn't even be angry with her.

“Please don't shut me out. I know it must be painful, but please...” She touched his hand and it twitched and grew warm under her fingers. “You can fight the moon's influence. We don't have to stop talking completely. We don't have to stop being friends.”

“Lily,” he rasped somehow through the tightness in his throat. “I... I don't..want to hurt you,”

And then she smiled and it nearly broke him completely.

“Oh, Severus...” Both hands rose to his face and he flinched again as they settled against his cheeks, smooth and warm. She leaned up and pressed her soft lips to his forehead. “It's okay. You don't have to worry about that. It's okay now... I can protect myself. You won't hurt me.”

He shivered and then sagged against Lupin, who let up some of the pressure. He wondered if she had any idea what she was doing to him, how it made him feel. The burn and the shame and the lust. Was he such a masochist that he couldn't give her up and release himself from this?

Severus saw Lily exchange a glance with Lupin but he didn't care. He felt drained and heavy and even the pulse of arousal was minimal in the face of his emotional exhaustion. He didn't want to deal with this anymore.

Lily pet his cheeks and then drew back. He shivered at the lack of touch but couldn't quite look at her anymore.

“...Come talk to me,” she said softly. “When you're okay and I'm not... tempting you.”

That was a nice way of saying it, he supposed. After a hesitation, when he didn't answer, she got up and left. Lupin gradually released him but neither of them moved once Severus let his head slump forward.

“Are you okay?” Lupin asked tentatively.

“No.”

Lupin sighed a bit and then began to rub his back. Severus didn't care enough to make him stop and honestly, it was actually a bit comforting. Comforting as _anything_ could be at that point.

“I can listen if you want to-”

“ _No_.” There were surely worse things than unloading his troubles on the other werewolf, but Severus couldn't think of any at that moment. “I just... I don't want to talk. _Ever_. I just want to stop talking.”

“Okay.” Lupin was still rubbing his back.

“I want to stop talking.” Severus dropped his head further, one hand lifting up to cover his eyes. Then it dragged into his hair, gripping tightly. The faint sting along his scalp was almost welcome. “I want to stop talking. I want to stop _talking_. I want to _stop talking_ -”

He gasped and went rigid when Lupin folded him up in his arms. His heart was beating fast again and his lungs felt on fire and he was pretty terrified he might be crying. Lupin's cheek rested against his back, just under his neck and his arms were warm and firm and Severus just couldn't keep himself together. He was so _pathetic_.

Thank Merlin Lupin didn't say anything.

Miraculously, it was somehow better after that. Severus managed to scrape up some scrap of dignity and flee without really fleeing. About a week and a half later, he managed a short, awkward conversation with Lily. He and Lupin didn't talk, of course, but when they passed in the halls, Severus didn't quite feel the overpowering need not to acknowledge the other boy.

And then the hols came about. Severus left with the train and then apparated from the platform to Lucius's house. The blond aristocrat was there to meet him but a little tired, so they did little that first day. The relaxation was rather nice, at any rate. Through the two weeks of holiday, Lucius was in and out at random intervals, generally rather tired when he came back. At one point, he was shaking so badly that Severus had to help him get to bed. He tried to ask what had happened but Lucius silenced him before the words could come out. It wasn't anything to worry over, things were fine, we'll do something fun tomorrow...

By the end of it, Severus was more worried about his friend than he could ever remember before. He left for Hogwarts because he had to, but made Lucius swear he would come to him if he needed help. It took a little wheedling down, but the blond finally agreed and Severus felt a little better. Not much, but a little.

The Occlumency lessons started up as soon as he got back. Dumbledore drilled him hard and when Severus was finally free to drag himself to bed, he slept deeply. There were nightmares, often conjured by the very memories Dumbledore sought to invade, but Severus was determined. He'd beat this. He'd make his mind impenetrable.

A breakthrough came in mid February. Dumbledore taught him the basics of Legilimency so that he could attack the old man's mind and see just how Dumbledore's shields dragged together to become so very strong. After that, it was a matter of mimicry and then devising his own shields when Dumbledore bipassed those.

Most wizards wouldn't bother trying to get farther than the first player, but Dumbledore seemed adamant that Severus create more protections. Together, they figured out dozens of ideas and tried them all as the weeks passed. Severus was rather happy with his development for once, especially when Dumbledore told him he was progressing faster than he had himself. That day, Severus even gave Lupin a little half smile when the werewolf greeted him. Lupin blinked in surprise and smiled back but Severus noticed him giving him an odd look afterward.

Severus didn't care. He was too busy to care. NEWTs were on the horizon. Dividing his time between Occlumency and school work wasn't too hard, but it kept him busy almost all the time. Even on the day after a full moon, after only a few hours of restful sleep, Severus would be back to his studying.

Early March, he got a letter from Damocles Belby. Severus stared at it over the breakfast table as Rosier leaned over to find out what it was. He opened it, mouthed the words as he read it, and then drew in a swift breath. Belby was accepting him, pending his NEWTs marks. Severus hadn't felt so relieved in ages. Rosier clapped his back and smiled.

“Congratulations, Snape,” he said with a smile. Wilkes looked up from beside him and leaned across Rosier to see.

“Huh. Not surprising, there. But good job, Snape.”

“Thanks,” he managed in weak reply as Wilkes leaned away. Rosier chuckled.

“Bit like a kick in the bullocks without the pain, eh?” he murmured.

Severus snorted. “I suppose so. I mean, I figured there was a _chance_ he'd take me, but...”

“Nonsense! Snape, you're a genius with potions. _Everyone_ knows that.”

Severus managed a little, embarrassed smile as Rosier smacked his back again. He really did feel pretty good about this. All in all, life seemed to be picking up. Potter and his friends hadn't really bothered him lately, probably too busy trying to salvage their scholastic careers; he and Lily had fallen into a nearly normal friendship again; Dumbledore said he was close to mastering Occlumency and a rather fine Legilimens for as little focus as they'd put on it; and now his apprenticeship was mostly secured.

He felt _good_. It was a decidedly strange sensation to bear.

The rest of the month, he kept busy with Dumbledore once his homework was finished. He wanted to perfect his technique, to mask any hint of it being used. He'd learned so well how to expect Dumbledore's invasion, which really wasn't much of an invasion anymore. Indeed, he'd managed to lead Dumbledore to only where he wanted the man to see, had surprised him by being able to completely blank out his mind, though this was quickly discouraged since it would make it known he was doing it on purpose. And then he managed to lie to the man's face without any detectable variance at all. Dumbledore lowered his wand.

“Good job, my boy,” Dumbledore said finally, a soft, gentle smile on his face as his eyes twinkled. “We're done. You've leaned all I can teach you.”

Severus beamed.


	17. And Not Expendable

James Potter asked Lily out just after the full moon of April and she accepted. She didn't talk to Severus about it first and he knew it was because she didn't want to hurt him with her lack of return for his own feelings. It still hurt, however, when he heard a few younger girls crooning about how sweet and romantic Potter was, even if he happened to be a Gryffindor.

Severus didn't think about it. He avoided the subject of love in all fashions, except for when Rosier cornered him in their dorm.

“Hey, Snape? Do you... have a minute?”

It was the hesitation that decided him. He couldn't really say he was _friends_ with Rosier, but the other boy had always been decent to him. Severus set down his book on his bed and got up.

“What's wrong?”

Rosier smiled weakly, scratching the back of his head. “Remember... Remember at the start of the year? When you said you were okay with me being...you know?”

“I remember.” He wasn't sure what it had to _do_ with anything, but he remembered.

“I... I like someone.”

Oh hell. Severus swallowed and then sat down on the edge of his bed as Rosier came closer and sat down on the bed across from him.

“Wilkes?” he couldn't help asking. Rosier's blue eyes went wide.

“How did you-?!” He cut himself off, however, and just blushed. “..Yeah.”

Severus nodded. “... I actually assumed you were already together.”

“Really...?” Rosier grew hopeful. “Then...Do you think he'd...accept me? I mean. Even if he didn't like me back, do you think he'd... be disgusted with me?”

That took a little thought but then Severus realized he doubted Wilkes would find _anyone_ disgusting, except for muggles and they deserved it anyway.

“...No, I don't think he would,” he answered finally. Rosier grinned and jumped to his feet.

“I promised myself I'd tell him before the end of the year. We're _graduating_ this year. And then we'll be busy with jobs and training and families and...”

“I wish you luck.”

Rosier paused at the blank sound in Severus' voice.

“Oh. Oh, Merlin, Sev, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-”

Severus waved a dismissive hand. “It's fine, Evan. That doesn't matter to me.”

Rosier looked at him as if he didn't believe that at all. Severus just looked at him and lifted a brow. It wasn't as if he'd cry his heart out even if he _could_ admit aloud it bothered him. Rosier understood that, after a few silent minutes. Then, finally, he smiled again.

“I was rooting for _you_ , you know,” he murmured, then shook his head and left, likely to find Wilkes. Severus found himself hating Rosier, just a little bit.

He couldn't concentrate. Even days after he'd found out, after he'd seen Potter and Lily together, it was still so very painful. He'd known he lost her. He'd known he'd never _had_ her, but it still _hurt_. He wanted, for once, to go back to Spinner's End and press his face into his pillow and just stay there. No one would bother him. No one cared. Everything could stop long enough for him to recover and pull something of himself from the ashes. Just two and a half months. Just under ten weeks. Just sixty-two days. Then he could leave and he'd never have to think about Lily and Potter ever again. He could disappear. He could leave wizarding kind behind and follow his father's footsteps. Factory work. He could do it. And he'd never have to think about them...

Severus wasn't quite sure when he'd gotten up but he suddenly found himself in the hallway just outside the entrance to the common room. It was dark. The dungeons made everything so pitch dark at night. He touched the edge of the wall and then began to walk. He knew where he was. It didn't frighten him. The dark was familiar. Comfortable. _Him_.

And then the darkness broke as he passed through the front doors, not even realizing he'd been walking so long. The air was cool at night. Still in his uniform shirt and slacks, the wind cut right into him as it made his hair flutter back from his face. He didn't feel it, not really. He kept walking.

Next thing he knew, he was near the whomping willow. It rustled here and there from the wind, as if it were just sleeping and could wake at any moment to throttle him to pieces. He almost riled it. _Almost_.

“Snape?”

Abruptly, the cold, calm haze that had been over his mind lifted. He jerked, sucking in a quick, hard breath that was suddenly painfully cold. His skin was suddenly covered in goosebumps and he shivered as the cold slid through him. Slowly, he turned and stared at Lupin. Merlin, why was it that Lupin always found him at his worst?

Lupin just looked at him, standing mere feet away. Severus hadn't heard him come up. His slightly curly hair bounded about more than his own did, for lack of length. He looked worried but calm. And he had a coat on, the bastard.

“What are you doing out here?” Severus shot at him. Lupin shrugged a bit, hands stuffed in his pockets.

“I could ask you the same,” he retorted and then lifted his eyes to the sky. “..I come out, sometimes. When the moon's getting smaller. I like watching it disappear.”

For some reason, that made perfect sense. Severus looked up, matching Lupin's gaze. The moon was nearly gone, or had the New Moon already come and gone? He doubted Lupin would get waning and waxing moons mixed up.

Severus jumped as he felt a touch to his shoulder. Lupin was at his side and the concern overrode his expression.

“Snape, you're freezing.” Lupin tugged off his coat and almost laid it over Severus' thinner shoulders, but he stopped him before he could.

“No. No don't you-”

“Don't I _what?_ ” Lupin frowned. “Give a damn about whether or not you catch a cold?”

He had a sweater on under the coat that fell onto his shoulders. It was warm with Lupin's body heat and Severus couldn't make himself throw it off. Lupin made a noise in the back of his throat.

“Oi. Making me take care of you like this. Have some sense.”

“I didn't ask you for anything, Lupin.”

“No. You never ask _anyone_ for anything.” Lupin scowled, folding his arms over his chest. “Don't you think you're old enough to stop being so childish? It's okay to lean on someone!”

Severus grit his teeth. “You don't understand.”

“Maybe I do,” Lupin snarled back. “Maybe I _can_. But how the hell do you expect anyone to if you can't say when you need something? Or want something? Or, Merlin forbid, want _someone_ to care for you!”

“Shut up!” Severus whirled on his heel, glaring at Lupin as nastily as he could. “Shut up, you don't know _anything_!”

“I know what it's like to love someone who will never _ever_ return it,” Lupin murmured, his voice suddenly very soft. He seized Severus' arm and jerked him in close. Severus didn't even have the wits to stop him. “I know how hard it is to see them with someone else. I know how hard it is to see them _love_ someone else. I _know_ all that. Don't you _dare_ belittle my feelings or my experience again, Severus Snape.”

Severus swallowed. He could only stare at those fever bright brown eyes that drew him in so easily every time.

“I'm sorry,” he found himself whispering. Slowly, Lupin's eyes widened and then he let go, but neither of them moved apart.

“I think that's the first time I've heard you say that,” Lupin murmured after a few silent moments. Severus looked away.

“Don't get used to hearing it. I don't make mistakes often.”

Lupin snorted, but the mood was still heavy around them. Heavy with words, with expectations, with wants. Heavy with things Severus didn't understand and couldn't name. He looked back at Lupin's face and the shorter boy stared right back. No hesitation. No unworthiness. There was no smile on Lupin's face either, but he seemed so focused that he didn't even need one.

“Stay with me, tonight,” Lupin said softly. “Just... beside me. For a little while. Until moon set?”

Without even meaning to, Severus found himself agreeing, if only because Lupin refused to let him go from that focused gaze.

“Not here.” Lupin took his hand and Severus didn't think to pull it free. Grabbing a fallen branch, Lupin led him just close enough to the willow to hit the knot that stilled it and then led him into the passage to the shack. Severus trailed behind him through the dark, wet, earth-smelling tunnel, one hand steadying himself along the earthen wall while the other was held firmly in Lupin's firm grip.

They climbed up the trap door and found themselves in the shack. Severus felt a sudden shiver of revulsion flow down his spine as he looked around. He never came here, except for the transformation. Seeing it made the fear of pain return. He felt Lupin squeeze his hand and looked over to find the other boy looking back at him again. Severus felt another shiver, but this one had nothing to do with fear.

“My hand,” he murmured awkwardly. Lupin blinked and looked down as if he didn't realize he was still holding it. He let go and Severus felt a faint stab of disappointment at the lack of warmth. The shack, warded as it undoubtedly was, still had been left so long to rot that the wind cut through it. Severus hugged his arms across his chest.

“Snape,” Lupin said quietly and Severus looked up. “Can I call you by your first name?”

Severus blinked. Why... Why would that matter? But Lupin had looked at him again, pinning him with that bright stare.

“You can call me Remus, if you want. I...I would like you to. Even if it's just when we're alone.”

He wasn't sure how to respond. No one but Lily and his parents called him by his first name. It was... a way to distance, he realized. Severus blinked again and continued to stare even as Lupin began moving closer to him. Closing the distance. And somehow, he didn't quite ache as badly.

“You can,” Severus said softly and then Remus kissed him and he kissed back.


	18. So That Someday

Remus' lips were not soft and delicate, but a demandingly strong presence against his own. He urged Severus without words, hands curling in his black hair as the kiss swiftly deepened into something not quite as simple. Heat rushed through him as strong fingers brushed the back of his neck and the foreign taste and texture of Remus' tongue sent shivers down his spine. He barely knew what he was doing.

How could he feel like this? How could he be reacting to the heat of Remus' body, to his touch and his lips and the musky scent he didn't need wolf senses to pick up? Severus shivered all over again. What was happening to his body?

“Stop thinking,” Remus urged, his voice a harsh, breathless whisper. “Just stop thinking for once, Severus. Just...let it happen.”

So Severus stopping thinking and his hands curled in the front of Remus's sweater as he dragged the other boy in again and crushed their lips together. Remus let his hands fall only to wrap them around Severus' waist, one finding the edge of his dress shirt and sliding up under it. Severus shivered as faintly chilled fingers rubbed up his back in a firm, solid line, tracing over his spine as far as he could manage. He didn't even mind the lick of cold air that followed it.

His body knew this touch. It remembered claiming hands and rough fingertips, harsh breathing and a biting mouth. It remembered the pleasure that brought all those months ago, the pleasure it had forced dreams of since that dogged the dreamer frequently with unwanted arousal. Well, unwanted until this time.

Severus stumbled as the press of Remus' body pushed him backward. The wall that came up against his back was a welcomed support in the face of what Remus had managed to do with his body. It didn't even _feel_ like his anymore. It felt hot and cold and needing and hungry...

“It's okay,” Remus whispered against his lips and Severus shuddered all over again.

“I shouldn't feel this. It's not...it's not right, I don't _want_ you-”

“Yes you do.” Severus sucked in a gasp as Remus traced over his jaw with his lips, catching one ear between his teeth. “You've wanted me for months, Severus. Last time... It wasn't _Lily_ you wanted. It wasn't her scent that made you hard. It was _me_.”

Severus shuddered with a soft groan. Remus pressed against him bodily, all hard planes and groping hands. A leg fitted between his own, firm and rubbing just _right_ -

“Remus-”

“You don't have to love someone to want them.”

_Don't think._

Hungry lips claimed his own and finally, blessedly, Severus caved completely to join them in needy devouring. He arched into hands that smoothed over his shirt, knocking his coat free and then working on buttons. Severus found his hips pressing into the thigh between his legs as his hands gripped and dragged the sweater from Remus' body. A thin, white under shirt was all that stood in his way to skin. Remus shivered and just pressed closer as Severus groaned.

It didn't matter, for once, whether this was right or wrong. Severus wanted it _badly_.

Remus nibbled and licked a trail along his throat, dragging his half buttoned shirt over his unbitten shoulder to get at more skin. Severus tilted his eyes, eyes closed as he panted for breath. His heart pounded hard in his chest and he still didn't feel quite in his own skin. Remus bit down and he gave a hoarse cry. Hands on his skin – when had Remus managed to get his shirt all the way open? - rough fingertips traced along his thin torso. It was cold and hot and he arched into it as Remus prompted shivers too random to ready for.

“Remus-” A breathy moan cut off whatever words he might have said. Instead, he bit down on his lip as those rough fingers pinched a nipple between them and he felt a wet tongue against his shoulder. _Fuck_ , he knew he should be reciprocating, _something_ , but it was so hard to do anything but hold on as Remus rocked against him. His fingers were tight in Remus's shirt, the fabric pulled almost painfully tight between his hands.

Remus shifted his hips and Severus groaned, his own grinding back into the other werewolf's. It felt good, hot and heady and overpowering. He barely knew what to do with himself. And then he felt Remus' hand rub over the front of his pants and he forgot how to breath. He shouted instead and it may have been a name but he couldn't hear over the blood rushing in his ears.

The next thing he knew, Remus had gotten his pants open and his fingers were wrapped around his cock, moving with firm determination. Severus whimpered, hips moving with that hand. Fuck, he was so _hard_.. He finally managed to get something of his wits back, at least enough to start fumbling with Remus' belt. Damn it, why was he wearing a belt?! Remus chuckled against his throat and made him shiver. A swipe of thumb over the head of his arousal brought up another jerk and groan from Severus and he fumbled further.

“Stop,” he moaned. “Stop, I...”

“What is it?” Remus was as breathless as he was, hand stilling.

“You. I need to... I...”

“Do it.”

Severus' eyes flashed at the command but his hands went on without him. He managed to the the belt unbuckled and then pants undone and pause there. Remus waited, panting softly as he did. So patient, even when Severus could feel his arousal in the darkness.

“Severus...”

It was just enough to shake him of his short stupor. Severus pursed his lips and delved a hand inside, cupping him through his underwear. Remus sucked in a sudden, quiet gasp and Severus' heart beat faster. Carefully, he pulled Remus's cock free and brushed his fingers along the shaft. Thicker than him, but shorter. His thumb brushed the broad, blunt head and Remus groaned, dropping his head to rest on Severus's shoulder. There was a certain excitement about causing that to happen, knowing Remus was hard for _him_ , moaned for _him_. No one else..

Severus firmed his grip and stroked, loving the way Remus shuddered against him as he did. Before long, Remus took up his cock as well and they groaned together as they rocked and touched. Severus sought out Remus's lips and then sucked on his tongue as a particular slid of hand on skin made him shiver and jerk.

It was good, hot, _so hot_... He could barely stand the heat through the entirety of his body. Was it always like this when someone else touched you? _Merlin_ , he didn't want it to end.

However, his body _begged_ for completion. Soon, Severus grew more desperate, his hand moving move swiftly to spurn Remus on as their hips twitched and they throbbed within each other's first. Their breath mingled, both too riled to bother even _trying_ to kiss at this point.

Severus found it first. He cried out but lost the air halfway through as his body jerked with a great shudder. He felt hot wetness splatter along his belly and hand. Remus growled into his shoulder and bit down again as he followed close behind. The bite drew another gasp from Severus even as Remus ended up half collapsed against him.

There they stood, panting and shaking as cold started prying back into them from the air around. Not even the heat generated between them could dispel it long.

“Remus,” Severus whispered. “What does this mean?”

“Nothing,” Remus replied just as softly and somehow, it hurt to hear it. “We... You can be attracted to someone without loving them. This... doesn't have to mean anything.”

Severus wasn't sure who Remus was saying that for. It wasn't a comfort to him, not really. He wondered if it comforted Remus at all. At least he hadn't moved away yet. Severus closed his eyes.

Blindly, the tucked each other away and Severus thought to drag out his want and cast a cleansing charm. Remus still hadn't lifted his head from Severus's shoulder and Severus found himself not caring.

“So it's nothing,” he murmured.

“Yeah. Nothing.”

At least they were in agreement.

By the time they got back to bed, it was almost dawn and they were freezing. Severus laid in bed under his covers for an hour before his morning alarm went off to get ready for school. He'd warmed up by then and got dressed, only half missing the sleep he'd skipped. His shoulders smarted. Remus had bruised him pretty well, but he was rather sure it'd be gone by the morning, if not by that evening. He got up, dressed in fresh clothing, and went down to breakfast.

Across the room, Severus saw Remus greeted by Black with a rather wide grin on his idiotic face. He watched Remus sit down and then Remus looked at him. They held eye contact for a moment and then broke off as one. Severus sat with Rosier as the shorter boy babbled about this or that with Wilkes. Apparently, the confession had gone well, if Rosier hadn't chickened out at the last second.

Severus tried to fall back into normal. The days went on. He did his school work. He listened to Lily sigh happily into her text book. He readied himself for the NEWT testing. He tried to ignore James Potter's goddamn grin.

And then 'nothing' happened again. Another late night staring at the moon interrupted by sweaty bodies and panted breath. And again after that. Severus was quickly becoming accustomed to the feel of Remus' hand.

In public, they were still Snape and Lupin and they didn't look at each other and they didn't hang out. But those nights, they were Severus and Remus and they touched and kissed and wanted. He didn't know which he liked better, but he was a little scared that he might have come to need _both._

The distraction wasn't much, however. Come the end of May, they tested. Severus did well and his scores were sent off to Belby for the last requirement of his apprenticeship. He received word barely a day later. He'd been accepted and would begin training a week after school ended, just long enough for him to settle his affairs before following Belby to Italy for the next year. Then he would test for his potions mastery. It was very exciting.

Severus didn't _feel_ excited, however.

Four days before they were slated to go home, 'nothing' happened for the last time. As they rested, panting and weary, kneeling on the shack floor, Remus reached over and curled his fingers in Severus' hair as he leaned over to kiss him. It was soft, fleeting, and when he pulled away, Remus looked almost regretful.

“You're going to be okay, aren't you? When we leave.”

“I'll be fine.” Severus closed his eyes but something prompted him to add, “And you?”

“Always.”

They left it at that. Four days later, Severus got onto the train for the last time apparated back to Spinner's End. His time at Hogwarts was over. Somehow, he thought he should feel something more than this. He didn't. Closing his eyes, Severus walked back to his father's house.


	19. You Can Hold Your Head Up

Severus went on guard as soon as he opened the door. A sudden stench assaulted his nostrils and he covered his nose, wincing. Too close to the moon, he couldn't ignore it. Gritting his teeth, Severus forced himself to step inside. He found the source in the kitchen, where dishes had been piled and old food rotted and stunk. His mother would never have let this happen. In her right mind. She'd gotten worse.

Severus set his trunk near the door and searched the house but there was no one there. It felt... abandoned. Useless. _Empty_. Even when he found something belonging to the family here and there, it was so empty. His parents' room was a mess, clothing thrown all over, things in disarray. He found a broken plate shattered the old dresser along the wall. It didn't look like a robbery. Not that there would have been anything to steal.

He sat down on his trunk and waited, fist tight around his wand. Maybe his parents had forgotten he would be home this day. They might be out, doing something. He really didn't want to think about the alternative.

It was later that night when his father came. He opened the door, dressed down in his factory coveralls. Tobias stopped when he spotted Severus and stared for a few moments before he shut the door behind him.

“You're back,” he said quietly. Severus stood, still holding his wand.

“Where's mother?”

He hadn't meant it to sound afraid and raw. Tobias just stared at him, gray eyes blank.

“She's dead.”

It hit like a knife. Severus staggered back a step. “What?”

“She died in November.”

“Bullshit!” Severus snarled as the pain turned immediately to rage, now that there was a target. Dead? She couldn't be dead. She was... she... He had to be _lying!_ “Where is she?!”

Tobias hadn't moved. “She's dead, Severus. She's buried with Mother.”

“Shut up! Shut up, it's not true!” Severus jerked up his wand and held it, hand shaking. “Stop lying to me!”

After a moment, Tobias' brows furrowed and he took a step forward and then another.

“WHERE IS MY MOTHER?!” Severus roared and then Tobias backhanded him across the face. Severus jerked with the force of it, stumbling into the other wall of the hallway.

“She's dead!” Tobias snarled. He grabbed Severus's shoulder and jerked him around, other hand rising to grab his chin and force his face up to face him. “She's _dead_ , Severus. She's not coming back. She's not _anywhere_. She's _gone_.”

Severus's breathing was tight and painful as he glared at the man. No. No, he couldn't accept this. But Tobias wasn't finished.

“November,” he growled, but his anger was fading. “She hung herself. Out in the shed.”

Severus swallowed thickly. He wanted to fight it, but his father had always been blunt. Always honest. Bastard as he was, Tobias had never lied to him. “Why didn't you tell me...? I...I could have..”

“You wouldn't have changed anything.” Tobias let go of his face. “You had your studies-”

“Damn my studies!” Severus shot back angrily. “I could have at least gone to the funeral! Helped bury her! _Something!_ ”

Tobias sighed, looking away. “No. You needed to concentrate. I got a copy of your ending test scores. I assume nine is a good number of-”

“We're not talking about my grades right now,” Severus hissed. Tobias looked at him again, his face drawn blank.

“...There was nothing you could have done, Severus. It wasn't your concern.”

Severus laughed, harsh and painful. “Like hell it wasn't my concern! She's my _mother!_ ”

“And she wanted you to succeed, you arrogant little shit!” Tobias snarled with a dark glint in his eyes. “Do you think either of us wanted _this_ life for you?! Why the hell do you think I let you into that blasted school in the first place instead of keeping you here? There's a _chance_ for you in that other world and I'll be damned if I let you ruin that!”

“Shut up-” Severus started quietly and then Tobias hit him again. This time, his nose was bleeding when he looked back at his father.

“Watch the attitude.”

Severus grit his teeth, hands fisted at his side. He could lift his wand. He could pay back every bit of pain right then and there and he _wanted_ to so _badly_. He wanted to hear Tobias scream in agony.

“I'm leaving.”

“Your things are packed.” Severus sucked in a soft gasp as Tobias gave him a narrow look. “You got the internship, didn't you?”

“Yes.”

“Then leave.”

For a moment, Severus wondered why he'd ever thought Tobias would want him to stay. He gathered up the few boxes Tobias had packed together, shrunk them into his trunk, shrunk the trunk, and then left within an hour. He never wanted to see that man again as long as he lived.

He went to the cemetery his grandmother had been buried in. Severus hadn't been there since he was very small. When Grandfather Snape first came to live with them, he visited the cemetery every year on the same day, but Severus never went with him. Still, it wasn't hard to find the Snape family plot. Great-grandfather Snape had been a man of money enough to reserve room for himself, his wife, their two children, and various others who had decided to be buried there over the years. It was about the only extravagance the Snape family had ever shown, in all actuality. Somehow, the grave site was fitting to them.

Severus found his mother laid to rest next to his grandmother. Grandmother Snape's headstone was a double and for some reason, his father had apparently seen it right to have it engraved for Grandfather Snape, even if there wasn't a body under. Severus felt mildly better that his mother laid on his grandmother's side and not his grandfather's.

The headstone was pretty, more so than any of the others. It had been smoothed so well that he could see himself, even in the dark. The engraving was careful, each letter perfect, and there were flowers around the edge in an artful, pretty design. Severus knelt there and ran his fingers over his mother's name. Eileen Prince Snape. He hadn't known she'd kept her maiden name in any fashion. He wondered if there were any of the Prince family left and if they cared she had died. He doubted it. They'd never heard anything from Eileen's family, just Tobias'. Under her name were the words “Loving Mother, Dutiful Wife. She Will Be Missed.”

Hollow words.

Severus' breathing hitched. Who had paid for this? Who had bothered? No one bothered for her. Ever. Not even he had. And he could see it now, how she'd tried to reach out to him over the years. How she'd tried to care for him. He'd spurned her so many times. He'd been so angry with her.

“Mother,” he whispered, the word seeming a jagged knife in his throat. “Mother, I'm sorry.”

The stone was cold under his fingertips. There would be no comfort. And it was when he realized there would be no answer that he finally started to cry. It drained out of him in a torrent of gut-wrenching sobs as he leaned against the stone and begged her to forgive him.

There wouldn't be forgiveness. He was too late. She _couldn't_ forgive what he'd done even if she wanted to now.

When he was able, Severus stood. He wiped his face on his shirt sleeve and dusted the dirt from his pants. There was still a week before he was to meet Belby and the moon in three days to contend with. Severus didn't have a choice. He wasn't ready to reveal his state to Lucius. He definitely wasn't going to run to R- to _Lupin_. Avery would throw him out. Wilkes didn't care. Rosier-

Severus apparated. He'd been to Rosier's place once, with Lucius during a party. Rosier's father was in the same social circle as Lucius', high born pure bloods. Severus still wasn't quite sure how none of the Slytherins or their family seemed to have sniffed out his father's dirty blood.

There were, predictably, wards _everywhere_. No pure blood family would leave any of that to chance, but he remembered vaguely how to trigger the alert charm and nothing else. It took a while but finally, a droopy eared house elf popped up near by and escorted him in. Lord Rosier was waiting in the foyer when they got there. He was a broad shouldered man with a thick trunk and thick arms and a thick head on his thick neck. He scowled all the time and his blue eyes flared at nearly anything anyone said, no matter if it was worth the effort or not. His white hair was kept short and swept from his wrinkled face. Lord Rosier looked twice his age in his face and that made him twice as dangerous in Severus' eyes.

“What do you want, boy?”

Severus was eighteen years old. He wasn't a _boy_ anymore and he refused to be intimidated like one.

“I came to see Evan.”

“At this hour? Without warning? Have you no _shame?_ ”

“It is imperative that I see him immediately.” Severus remained strong and stared the man in the eye. He kept himself from shaking at his utter gall, knowing fully well that this man could likely kill him in a second if he fancied. Most of Lucius' father's friends could.

The old man narrowed his eyes and curled his thinly mustached lip. After a long bout of staring, which Severus refused to back down from, Lord Rosier looked down to the house elf that had been waiting so quietly with them.

“Go wake Evan. Let him deal with _this_... miscreant.”

The house elf disappeared with a pop. Silence fell over the two of them as they waited, Lord Rosier tapping his arm every few moments. Rosier didn't take too long. He was slightly out of breath when he burst out into the foyer.

“Snape? What are you doing here? Father, I can deal with this.” Lord Rosier snorted and left.

Severus watched him, then sighed a little and looked at Rosier. “You trusted me before with your secret. I'm calling that favor. I need a place to stay. Just a week, then I'll be gone. And there will be... a difficult problem to deal with in the meantime.”

Rosier nodded. “Anything. I'd be happy to help you. You're free to stay.”


	20. And Smile

Severus didn't ask how Rosier convinced his father. He'd known the other Slytherin would pull through for them. After all, Severus held a secret that could very likely get him killed. And they might have been friends after all. Maybe. A little bit.

Rosier showed him to a guest room and even healed his face as best he could before he left him to sleep the rest of the night. Severus didn't sleep. He laid in bed and stared at the wall and thought about his next move. His mother's face came back to him time and again but he was done. He'd grieved. He wasn't going to waste more time, especially now that the edge of grief was giving way to a deep, burning anger. No. Best to think of the future and not his achingly recent past.

The next day, Severus told Rosier what he was. He was surprised, a bit skeptical, but then thought about it and realized it was the only good explanation to how often Severus had gotten 'sick' in the last year and a half of school. He took it surprisingly well, actually, and then the two of them readied an old garden shed that the gardeners used when tending to the huge amount of greenery surrounding the manor.

Severus went through his transformation and Rosier was there in the morning to drag him back to his bed with house elves to tend to his wounds. A few days later, Severus made sure he had all his things and the two bid each other farewell as Severus left to meet Belby.

The old Greek man was already waiting when Severus arrived. He grabbed Severus's arm and side-apparated them on to his home and laboratory in Italy, just outside Rome. Getting his things settled in the room set aside for him didn't take long. Severus was vibrating with energy. No matter what pains he still felt, sadnesses that plagued him, this was his one chance for a future.

Belby spoke with him at length over various rules and expectations, then about his usual working schedule. It would be brutal, but Severus was more than ready. They began the next day, right at six.

Most of Severus' duties were collecting and preparing ingredients. He ran to various shops to pick up supplies, went over various oft needed recipes to commit them to memory, and practiced his techniques when he wasn't directly assisting Belby in brewing. The first few weeks were arduous and busy, just what he'd wanted. If he was too busy to think, he was too busy to mourn.

A month later, Severus managed to mask his full moon transformation. He told Belby he was needed home for a day or two and then escaped out to a place he'd scouted and prepared in his few free moments just for that purpose. The morning after, Severus tended to himself as well as he could but he wasn't good at healing spells. Only a few scrapes lingered long enough to need bandages when he got back and though Belby gave him a few narrow looks, he didn't question any of it.

A few weeks after that, Severus accidentally handled silver. He'd been chopping ingredients into fine slivers and reached blindly for the next bit, only to grab the silver knife he used for certain ingredients. It burned him immediately and he uttered a sharp cry of pain as his fingers clenched around it and continued to burn. He finally managed to drop the knife after moments of agonizing pain and jerked his hand to his chest. Belby looked up in surprise and hurried over after seeing the way Severus hunched over himself, face pulled with pain.

The old man forced him to open his hand. He was bleeding, skin bubbled up and burned across his palm and fingers as if he'd dropped his hand on an oven burner. Some of it was even black. Severus resisted the urge to retch.

“What did you do?” Belby demanded as he drew his wand and accio'd a burn salve.

“It...it was just an accident-”

“Damn it, Severus, _what did you do?_ ”

“I just-”

“You should be more careful with your hands. Don't you understand that your livelihood lives in your hands?!”

Severus fell silent. Belby continued to lecture him as he tended to the rather vicious burn and then wrapped his hand when the damage refused to heal quickly. He rubbed a numbing salve into the bandages and it helped, but his hand still throbbed and ached. Severus went back to work and tried to strain his burned left hand as little as he could.

Belby watched him closely after that. Severus did his best, being as careful as he possibly could. It took a week for his hand to heal, even with rubbing salves into the burns.

A week later, Severus asked to visit his family for the full moon. Belby was more suspicious this time but allowed it. Two days weren't much and Severus had worked very hard. So, Severus went on back to his transformation spot and came back once he'd tended to himself as best he could the next day. When he got to the door, Belby stared at him, frowning as his eyes trailed up and down him.

“Lounge. _Now_.”

Severus paled and his jaw clenched, but he followed the man into the lounge and took a seat across from him. Belby sat with his elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped between. His pockmarked face was twisted with a deep scowl that deepened the wrinkles in his face.

“You went home, did you?”

“Yes, sir.”

Belby's eyes narrowed. “Does you family beat you, Severus?”

“What?!” Severus fought down a sudden jolt of rage.

“Each time you have gone to see your family, you have returned injured. It wouldn't be a problem, except that we deal with dangerous substances that can cause tremendous problems if they were to get into your blood stream.” Of course Belby didn't care about him personally. He didn't care about _anyone_ personally.

“They're not. I'm clumsy.”

Belby lifted a thick brow. “I doubt that. However, if your family is not, indeed, abusing you, then I require a better explanation than 'clumsiness.'”

Severus fell silent. Just how was he suppose to answer this? His bandaged hands tightened in his lap. Belby gave him a long, hard stare and then sighed.

“Severus, I don't appreciate being lied to.” Severus started to retort, but Belby held up one hand to silence him. “I understand you like your privacy. As long as it doesn't affect your working for me, I could care less what you do on your own time. But I will _not_ be lied to. Do you understand that?”

“Yes, sir.”

Belby sighed again and raked a hand through his frizzy white hair, eyes closed and a line of annoyance creased between his brows. “Good. Now explain.”

Swallowing, Severus dropped his gaze down to his hands, wringing his fingers. What was he suppose to say? If Belby knew that he'd done it to himself, that the werewolf's craving for violence was why he came back scratched bloody, he'd be tossed out in a second.

Belby watched him all the while, his brown eyes hard and without an ounce of kindness. His annoyance was palpable and yet, Severus still could say nothing. Finally, the old man let out a soft, grumpy sound.

“I wouldn't suppose it had anything to do with why you burned yourself nearly to bone with a silver knife.”

Severus's eyes snapped wide. He jerked his head up, staring at Belby incredulously. The old man nodded faintly and folded his arms over his chest.

“You're an unregistered werewolf.” Severus could do nothing to defend himself. Belby was too smart to be turned aside now. “You should have told me. I was planning on working with silver through the next two weeks. The fumes would have killed you.”

“I'm sorry.” Severus dropped his head, shoulders hunching. “I'm sorry. I didn't... I didn't think it would matter. That I could hide it.”

“You might have. But you'd still have ended up dead.” Belby scrunched his face again. “Look. This may be of use to me.”

Severus glanced up, just the faintest bit hopeful. After all, Belby hadn't tossed him out on his arse yet.

“I've been working on a pet project for the last year or so,” the old man began, watching him critically. “At first, it was a potion to try and cure lycanthropy. However... I've decided this is not possible.”

Somehow, Severus felt the slightest edge of disappointment, even though he knew this was true.

“However, there may be a way of _controlling_ the wolf form. Putting it under the human's control. I've set out to do this through potions.”

“That... That would be genius,” Severus remarked quietly, faintly awed. He hadn't thought that could be possible, even less so than curing it completely. Belby's lips quirked just faintly, not a real smile, but a show of amusement.

“Yes, I thought you might appreciate that. Severus, you and I are in a unique position here.” Belby leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees as he looked at Severus intensely. “Here, we have two wizards with advanced potions understanding and a werewolf with everything to gain from this research coming out a success.”

It took Severus only a few moments to realize what the man was proposing. “I would be a test subject.”

“If you so chose to be.” _Yes, you would._

There really wasn't much of a choice, really. Severus agreed, mostly because he was terrified Belby would send him packing if he didn't. They began quickly. Most of it was researching and testing various reactions. Some of it, Severus couldn't be near to witness, such as when Belby was using silver or wolfsbane, but the theory work he could do just fine.

Months passed before the first human trial. Severus nauseas and sick for days after the first batch with no defined difference during the transformation. Another batch left him deathly ill for weeks. Slowly, over the rest of the year, Belby perfected the formula little by little. Severus spent more time ill than actually assisting him. Somehow, he felt like he was accomplishing something anyway.

And then they finished it. A working prototype. Unfortunately, it only worked if Severus took it a full seven days before the full moon, but the fact that it worked at _all_ was astonishing. The transformation was still painful and horrid, but afterward, he remained cognizant and in control of himself. The wolf instincts were still there, as were his heightened senses, but the vile need for violence was gone. He could have cried in relief.

Belby took full credit in the patent, as was his due. He did, however, make sure that Severus was noted as potions assistant through the full course. It didn't mean anything to anyone except them, but that was enough.

Severus sent word to Lupin. It would be a good year or so before the Ministry gave full permission for the potion to be used on the public, but there was hope for the future. Lupin wrote back soon enough to thank him for the information and added in a hint that future letters would be appreciated. Severus decided he would think about it.


	21. And Know You Did It

After completing the Wolfsbane potion, there were only a few weeks before Severus completed his internship, tested, and gained his Mastery in Potions. All he got was a bit of paper, but it still made him feel more accomplished than even graduating from Hogwarts had. He left Belby behind after the man helped him secure a position as junior potions maker for St. Mungo's. Severus found a flat nearby.

December brought another letter from Lupin. They had been trading words off and on but Severus ended up staring at the page for a good while, wondering how to feel about it. Sirius Black's brother Regulus was dead. It had happened weeks ago but Black, and by proxy Lupin since they were now living together, had only found out recently. Lupin was cut up about it and there was evidence that he'd been killed by Death Eaters. Which was preposterous, since Severus remembered Lucius mentioning the brat as part of Lord Voldemort's service. Severus still didn't know quite what to think after Lucius admitted to following the man like his father did, but he knew Lucius trusted him with the truth. Why on earth would Death Eaters kill one of their own, especially from a pure blood, dark family? It didn't make sense. He remembered Regulus from school, of course. The brat was in his house, one year under, and an arrogant shit at that, for all his cowardice. No loss to the world, but his death still didn't make sense.

In January, Severus received and invitation to Lily and Potter's wedding. He ripped it into tiny pieces and then burned them. No. He couldn't do that. Even if it was petty and childish, he just couldn't deal with that. They married in mid February. Lily sent him pictures. He kept a few and ended up ripping Potter out of a few more. She'd been beautiful in her wedding dress and when her image turned and smiled at him, his heart fluttered painfully.

Severus threw himself into work. He hated most of his coworkers but the nice thing about being a potions maker was that most other potions makers were just as anti-social as he was. There were a few friends, here and there, but for the most part, none of them much cared to bother with the others. It made things so much easier.

Weeks flew by. He met with Lucius and Rosier here and there. Sometimes he wrote to Lupin. They never said much of substance, but he didn't mind. Belby sent him updates on getting the Wolfsbane potion finalized and through Ministry regulations. It was going well. They hoped to have it in use by December.

Rosier was killed in late March along with Wilkes by Aurors. The paper said the two of them had been suspected of Dark Arts activities in relation to the Death Eaters and were suppose to be brought in for questioning but became violent when the Aurors arrived. Severus doubted it. He couldn't imagine either of them attacking anyone first and besides, one of the Aurors in question was Alaster Moody. The man was a confirmed mad dog.

Wilkes' funeral was first. It was a small thing. The family wasn't prosperous. Severus stood in the rain and watched the coffin lower to the sound of Wilkes' mother sobbing into her sister's shoulder. Two days later, it was still raining when he watched Rosier's coffin. It didn't seem right that the two of them were buried away from each other. Rosier's mother was silent, as was his father. Everyone was silent. No eulogy. No tears. Absolute silence.

When it was over, Severus walked with Lucius away from the grave site. Lucius's umbrella kept the blond dry but splatters of rain found their way to Severus and joined that which he hadn't bothered to block. His heavy cloak was already soaked but he didn't care. Severus felt numb already.

They went back to Lucius's house and cast drying spells but neither spoke as Lucius led them back to a more private sun room. Not that it was all that sunny with how hard the rain fell. Severus sat down at the small, round table and watched it fall.

“They were murdered, you know,” Lucius murmured softly. Severus didn't even twitch.

“Moody,” he whispered.

“Yeah.” Lucius sighed softly, resting his head on one hand. “Father... Father is going to try and have him ousted. I'm doing the same, but I haven't gathered much power yet.”

Severus nodded a little and kept watching water droplets slid down the window. He wasn't sure how to feel about this. And at the same time, there was guilt. He hadn't felt this numb when his mother died. But Rosier and Wilkes... He'd spent seven years being friends with them. He could admit that now, that they'd been friends. He wondered if Rosier had been in pain when he died, but then realized he likely was, since Aurors didn't often use fast kills. It made him sick inside.

“Can he be discredited?”

“The man is insane. It won't be difficult.”

Severus nodded faintly. It didn't soothe him, but it was something to think about. They didn't talk much further and Severus got up to leave. Lucius walked him to the apparition point.

“Severus. Do you remember when you met Lord Voldemort?” He nodded, glancing back at the blond. “He's asked about you again. He'd like to meet with you, if you're amiable.”

“I'll think about it.”

Lucius frowned softly. “Severus. This isn't a man you make wait.”

“I know.” Severus slid his hands into his pockets. “I know that. But I can't think about it right now. After Rosier... I just...a few days. Give me a few days to think and... and recover.”

Lucius set a hand on his shoulder and Severus managed not to flinch. After a while, Severus sighed softly and then left. He went back to his flat and sat down in his tiny living room, staring at a blank wall. Two friends dead and nothing gained for it. He wanted to hunt Alaster Moody down and murder the bastard in his sleep, not that it would help anything. Severus covered his face with his hands. _Damn it..._

A tapping at his window caught his attention. Severus rose and opened it, receiving the owl and letter it held numbly. He gave the bird an owl treat and then opened his missive.

“SS-

I heard about Wilkes and Rosier. I know they were your friends, so I'm sorry you've lost them. If you need anything – or just to talk – I'm here for you.

-RL”

Severus frowned darkly. He should have ripped it up and sent the bird on its way... but he didn't. Instead, he found a bit of parchment and replied with the location of a muggle bar nearby. The owl headed off once he'd tied the letter in place. Severus watched it until it disappeared from him. Why the hell had he just done that...?

Still, he changed his clothing to a set of slacks and turtleneck he tended to work in. Even though they were black, they didn't quite seem like mourning clothes. He didn't feel like mourning anymore. Closing his eyes, Severus apparated near to the place, walked in, and sat down at the bar, ordering. He didn't care how long it took Lupin to get there. Hopefully, he'd be good and pissed before hand.

Barely an hour after he arrived, Severus had moved over to a booth and sat staring at a shot of whiskey he hadn't intended to pour. After the first two or three, he'd just bought the damn bottle and had been nursing it slowly since. Severus downed the shot on principle and didn't really mean to pour another, but did so anyway. And that just meant he had to take that one too.

“You're worse than I thought.”

Severus glanced up, scowling at Lupin's damnably sorry face. “Sit.”

“You could say please.” But Lupin sat down across from him anyway. He eyed the more than half empty bottle of whiskey and then the new shot Severus was staring at. “You know alcohol isn't going to help anything.”

“I know.” Didn't keep him from downing the shot, though. Lupin sighed.

“You called me out here. So talk.”

“I don't want to talk.”

Lupin lifted a brow. “You wanted a drinking buddy? I don't drink.”

“Then sit there and watch me do it.”

The other werewolf snorted but didn't look happy with it. Severus really didn't care. He rested his head on one hand and poured another shot. Maybe when the bottle was empty, he'd throw it at Lupin and see what happened. _Why_ had he asked him to come there?

“Severus. Talk to me.”

His dark eyes flickered up to Lupin's face. Severus? Well. They were alone. It might be okay for him to be Remus for a little while.

“Rosier was murdered,” he said out of the blue and Remus sucked in a quick breath before getting that sad look on his face.

“He was a Death Eater, Severus.”

“And that makes it all right to murder him?” Severus hissed back, scowling as his grip on the shot glass tightened. “He was a human being!”

“And he'd hurt innocent people!” Remus snarled. Severus laughed.

“Evan? Hurt people? _That's a lie!_ ”

“He was wanted for counts of arson, destruction of property, violence against muggles-”

“T _hey deserved it, the bastards!_ ”

Remus' nostrils flared and his hands tightened on the table. “Innocent people deserved being burned alive in their own homes? Raped and tortured and _murdered?_ ”

“Muggles. Aren't. Innocent,” Severus growled as he threw back another shot. “They are an inferior, useless drain on our world that should have been erased _years_ ago-”

“My parents are both halfbloods,” Remus murmured softly, his voice edged with a hint of violence as he glared at the other wizard. “Two of my grandparents were muggles. There are good and bad muggles, Severus just like good and bad wizards-”

“ _Shut the fuck up_ -”

“I'm not listening to your pureblood bullshit!” Remus rested his hands on the table and stood up. “I thought you were a decent person. I thought I could look past your arrogant Slytherin crap and see someone worth knowing. I don't. You're _despicable_.”

He left with Severus staring after him angrily. No. No, he wasn't going to be spoken to like that. Severus got up and followed him, leaving the near empty whiskey bottle behind. He stalked Remus out along the street, followed until Remus turned into an alley way to apparate in, then grabbed the other man and shoved him back against the brick of the next building. Remus snarled a warning but Severus wasn't interested in listening to it.

“You're not leaving yet,” he growled into Remus' face as the other glared right back at him.


	22. Because You Wanted To

“Let go of me,” Remus growled. Severus narrowed his eyes.

“No. Not yet. You... You can't talk to me that way. You're not allowed to-”

“ _Allowed?_ You're not my _keeper_ , Snape! You've no say in what I can or can't do!”

Back to Snape. Fine. Severus hated the way that made his chest clenched and that just made him angrier. He shoved Lupin back harder against rain wettened brick, earning a snarl edged in slight pain and then Lupin grabbed his upper arms in a hard grip.

“What do you want from me?!” Lupin demanded.

“ _I don't know!_ ” Severus roared back and then shoved him again. It hurt. Something hurt badly inside and Lupin was making it worse. It burned and churned and bled... “I don't know _anything_ anymore! Evan is _dead_ , you idiot! He's _dead_ and he couldn't have deserved that. He couldn't have deserved bloody _Alaster Moody!_ I won't believe it!”

“Damn it, Snape! Get your head out of your arse and look at reality!”

“ _No! You_ look at reality!” Severus shoved him again but this time, Lupin returned it and they stumbled across the alley until Severus' back was the one against the wall. The pain that struck up his spine was good enough to blame for how his eyes burned and the rain for his wet cheeks.

“ _Death Eater_ , Snape! A dirty, no good, selfish _murderer_ -”

“SHUT UP!” Severus tried to hit him but Lupin grabbed his arm and pinned it down. “Damnit, Lupin-”

“No! I know he was your friend! I know you cared about him! But he did horrible things! He didn't deserve to die, but he deserved _something_ , you stupid fool!”

Severus sagged against the brick with a ragged sob. A moment later, Lupin had him wrapped up against his chest and Severus sobbed brokenly into his shoulder. It hurt, burning through him like wildfire, and he was to drunk to bother trying to hide it. Severus clutched to Remus's jacket, fingers digging into his back as he pressed his face harder into Lupin's shoulder.

“ _Damn it_ ,” he sobbed out, drawing back one hand to beat it weakly against Lupin's chest. Lupin was silent and just held him tighter.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered and Severus didn't answer. He didn't have the strength to.

Somehow, Lupin managed to get his address out of him because Severus found himself staggering beside Lupin in the rain in front of his flat. He managed to drag a key free from his pocket, not trusting himself with spell work now that it was difficult to just walk straight, and let them in. Lupin got him to his chair and Severus collapsed into it, soaking wet.

“I don't suppose you have any tea,” Lupin murmured. He sounded a little raw.

“Cupboard.”

Lupin went to the kitchen and Severus rested his head in his hands. _He_ felt raw. Raw and exposed and strained... He barely noticed time had gone by until a hot mug was pressed into his hands. Severus took it, glaring at the swirling brown liquid. He wondered where his whiskey had gotten. He wasn't drunk enough yet, but he'd be damned if he asked Lupin for anything.

There wasn't another chair. Lupin ended up leaning against Severus' as he idly sipped from his own mug.

“I'm tired.” Severus heard Lupin shift and felt his eyes on him but he continued to stare at his tea. “I'm just... so tired. I don't know what to do. I don't know-”

His hands were shaking. Lupin straightened from the chair. Severus dropped the mug and it clattered onto the floor, spilling tea over his clean floor and rug. Then he buried his face in his hands.

“Rosier and Wilkes are _gone_.” He hated the vulnerable, scared sound to his voice but he could do little to change it. He heard Lupin draw in a quick, soft breath and then felt a hand on his back. “They're gone. And... And Mother, she...”

“Your mother...?” It came from in front of him but Severus couldn't manage the will to lift his head. Remus' hand was hot against his back and then slid to his shoulder, gripping. “Tell me.”

“She's dead.” In the last two years, he'd never admitted it. He'd waited, wanting to believe that Tobias had, for once, lied to him instead of telling brunt truth. That Eileen would appear before him one day with her mousy, not quite smile and her tiny hands and her flinches and trembles. Suddenly, he was in Remus' arms again, but he couldn't untangle his fingers from his own hair.

“Oh, Severus... I'm so sorry.”

“I wasn't there. I'm never _there_. Always...I...”

Remus held him tighter and Severus could feel breath against his hair as a weight settled on his shoulder. He shivered and his breathing hitched. Merlin, why was Remus always there at his _worst?_

“I-I wasn't even there to _bury her_...”

“Severus. It... It's all right. I'm sure she'd forgive you. You were busy- the _potion_ \- and-”

“No.” Severus finally moved, grabbing Remus' shoulder and shoving him back away from him as he straightened. His face was dry but he felt so very _dead_ inside. Somehow, he managed to lift his gaze up to Remus' face. “She died almost two years ago.”

“Two years...?”

Severus' gaze didn't waver, through Remus' eyes widened. “We were in school. Seventh year. She died in November.”

“But..but why didn't you _tell_ me? You suffered through that with everything-”

“No. He didn't tell me. Father. He didn't tell me until I went home.”

Remus fell silent, his gaze incredulous. Finally, Severus sighed and looked away, rubbing his forehead as he felt a slow headache coming on.

“He buried her. I wasn't...”

“Severus, that isn't your fault,” Remus said with sudden force, brows furrowed. “You can't blame yourself for that. It's not your fault he didn't tell you until so long after.”

“I should have..”

“What? Psychically felt her _death?_ Severus, you're only human!”

Severus looked up at him, searching his eyes. Remus looked almost _angry_ now. Angry for him or at him, he wasn't sure. But it cause a strange flutter in his belly. Remus was still talking, but Severus stopped listening, instead just _watching_. He watched the way Remus' eyes sparked when he was passionate about something, how his lips parted and shaped over upset words, how his face was faintly flushed with righteous anger.

He moved without thinking about it. Severus's hands fisted in the front of Remus's sweater as he dragged him in and brought an end to the torrent of words with his mouth. Lupin made a muffled sound and he felt hands at his shoulders again, but ignored them as he tilted his head, deepening the angle, and thrust his tongue deep into the other man's mouth. He could taste the faint hint of chamomile on Remus' tongue...

Remus planted both hands against Severus' chest and pushed, breaking the contact between them. Severus panted faintly, his lips tingling as he looked at the other in confusion. What? Did he do it wrong? Had he been suppose to wait until Remus did it? That's how it had been before, when they were in school. Before everything had become so very complicated. He'd always waited. Let Remus choose when and where. Let Remus start things.

“Severus, I...”

“You don't like whiskey.” It was nonsensical, really, but Severus didn't think he had much sense at that point.

“What? No. I don't mind it, but-”

“Why?”

Remus looked at him, face flushed and lips kiss bruised, then turned his head away. His hands were still firm against his chest.

“I... What happened before-”

“You regret it.”

Remus stiffened and then Severus sighed softly. Of course he did. They weren't kids anymore. It was suppose to have ended as 'nothing', not ever having the chance to be 'something'. Severus should have wondered why he cared. Instead, he leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.

“Get out.”

“Severus-”

“Just go. _Please_.”

He heard Remus get up and start for the door, but then things went quiet again. Severus almost thought he'd just missed the sound of the door opening, but then he heard Remus sigh.

“Sirius... I'm with him now.”

Severus said nothing, but it was like a kick in the gut. He stared at his blank wall. Behind him, Remus swallowed audibly.

“He's good to me. We're living together. We...we're in love.”

He didn't care. He didn't _care_. Severus stubbornly told himself that, even as he felt his heart stop and his hands tighten on the arms of the chair.

“Severus?”

“I told you to leave.”

There was silence. And then the door opened, shut, and the silence became worse. Severus stayed in his chair. He didn't think. He was tired of thinking. He was tired of hurting as well, but there seemed no end to that. His chest was tight and his lungs burned and he felt as if there were something suddenly gone from him, inexplicably stolen away. Its absence ached inside of him, a deep agony that should have killed him, but hadn't. And suddenly, what Severus had been wanting, what he'd been missing, fell into place. His eyes went wide and he drew in a sudden, hitched breath. Dear Merlin.

Of all the inane, stupid things he could have done, he'd fallen for Remus bloody Lupin.


	23. And Not Because You Had To

The next day, Severus woke with a headache and the solemn vow _not_ to have any feelings at all for Remus Lupin. He would control this. He would manage it. Dear Merlin, as if he didn't have enough to worry about with _Lily_. Even thinking her name made him ache and now that ache was being echoed by thoughts of Lupin.

No. Not this time. He wasn't going to go through this again.

It wasn't as if he'd had a chance anyway. Severus remembered a conversation they'd had, before what he'd dubbed their real 'first time'. He remembered Lupin admitting to loving someone but he hadn't thought of it at the time. Had Lupin loved Black, even then? Severus sneered. Couldn't get Black to get it up for him then, so he'd come after Severus? Stupid. _Stupid_. He should never have fallen for it. And even if that hadn't been the case, it had been two years since they finished school. Two years to grow and change and... and fall in love.

He almost hoped they _weren't_ in love. He hoped Black was using him because that meant Black was the bad guy. There had to be a bad guy. He needed someone to hate and he couldn't quite muster up hate for Lupin. Not yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Merlin. He'd been rejected by every person he'd ever cared about.

Severus sat down hard in his chair and tried very hard to find some logical explanation for that. There wasn't any except for his own failures. His own inadequacies. _Damn it..._

Somehow, he managed to make himself eat. Severus sent word to Lucius and asked to arrange for him to meet Lord Voldemort. There seemed no reason to wait. He'd listen to what the man wanted of him and then decide what to do from there. Besides, it would be nice to see Lucius again so soon. The older man was always so busy in his politics... Maybe they could have a little time to just talk. Have lunch. Something. He didn't want to be alone.

Lucius was rather prompt with his answer. Apparently, there was another of those parties that night and “their friend” would be attending. Severus barely took time to shower and dress before he apparated there. It was still late morning. Lucius met him at the apparition point and led him inside.

“Narcissa is out having a day with some of her friends,” Lucius murmured casually. “It will be just us until this evening.”

Severus nodded. That was just how he wanted it. “How are you...doing?”

“Hm?” Lucius glanced at him, searching his face. “Oh. I'm all right, Severus. I wasn't as close to them as you were. How are you holding up now? You don't seem to have had the best of nights, judging from your eyes.”

“...I may have finished off a bottle of whiskey. I'm not entirely sure.”

Lucius snorted. “Whiskey? Terrible stuff. Next time you feel the need to inebriate yourself, come here. We'll at least do it properly with something more tasteful.”

Severus heard the offer for what it was and felt rather grateful. There were times when he wondered why Lucius bothered with him, but then the blond said things like _that_. They went inside and had an early lunch. It was calming, easy. Lucius got him up to date. Apparently, Narcissa was pregnant and due in early June. Lucius wanted him to be the godfather. Severus was flattered, of course, and accepted with a bit of convincing.

“Excellent,” Lucius murmured when he'd finally agreed. He smiled, resting his head on one hand. “Are you seeing anyone, Sev? We'd like to choose a godmother before the baby is born. And from what Mulciber was saying, you were always sneaking about at school, so I thought perhaps...”

Severus blinked and then his chest tightened as he glanced down to the tea he'd been stirring for almost an hour.

“No,” he said softly. Lucius paused a little.

“...Don't tell me you're still hung up on that mudblood.”

“Don't call her that,” Severus growled, jaw tight. Lucius sighed and reached over, clamping a hand on his shoulder.

“Severus. That bint didn't want you. She's married now and, from what I hear, getting fat with Potter's spawn. It's time to get over that infatuation and find someone else.”

The problem, of course, was that Severus had just realized he _had_ found someone else. And that someone else didn't want him either.

“I know,” he murmured quietly.

“Sev, I worry about you. I truly do. You're so _alone_.”

Lovely. He'd have to find a way to thank Lucius properly for _rubbing it in_. Lucius sighed and got up before grabbing Severus' hand to haul him to his feet as well.

“Come on. We're going to walk in the gardens and you'll tell me all your nasty little secrets so that I can find a proper mate for you. I'll not have one of _my_ friends spend the rest of their life alone.”

Severus sighed but he followed him anyway. Lucius meant well, even if nearly every word out of his damn mouth made him feel worse. The flowers were lovely, even if most of them tried to reach out and snatch them up. Lucius wound a careful path through them with Severus trailing close behind.

“Has there been anyone else?” Lucius asked. “I mean, it _has_ been years since Hogwarts, hasn't it? Perhaps a coworker. Another potions maker or the like.”

“No, none of them,” Severus murmured with a roll of his eyes. “I'd rather die than touch most of them.”

“Too much like you?” Lucius smirked and then waved a hand when Severus gave him a nasty look. “Come now. Don't tell me you've been with _no one_ all this time.”

“Well, there was...” Severus trailed off and sighed, frowning. Damn it. He hadn't meant to spill _anything_ to Lucius, but the blond caught the hesitation.

“Yes, go on. We don't have all day.”

“It... It started back in school.”

“Delicious, who was it?”

Severus curled his hands in his robes along his hips. “That...”

“Come now, Severus. No need to be ashamed. Even an ugly woman is better than none. At least it wasn't a man like some have taken to-”

Lucius cut himself off when Severus went absolutely silent. Gray eyes narrowed.

“Was it a man, Severus?”

He closed his eyes, frowning deeply. Merlin, how could he have been so stupid to let such a thing into the open? He jolted when he felt Lucius touch his shoulder and looked at him sharply.

“Stop that,” Lucius said harshly. “Don't you even start with that blasted self-depreciation you're so fond of. I could care less who you sleep with, Severus, as long as you're _happy_. And you're obviously not happy, so do tell me the bastard's name so that I can erase him from the world.”

Severus stared at him. What...?”

“Honestly, Severus, you act as if you're the _only_ one to ever have leanings towards their own sex.”

Severus's eyes went wider but Lucius just looked at him with that same holier-than-thou expression on his face, brow raised.

“It isn't as if it will keep you from marrying some woman and reproducing later if you play around with men first. Or during, for that matter. And knowing does certainly give me the right... ahem, _traits_ to search for.”

“I don't want to date anyone,” Severus muttered stubbornly but Lucius just snorted.

“Right. You do so _love_ your own misery. I swear, Severus, you'd lop off your own nose to spite yourself.”

Severus rolled his eyes, folding his arms across his chest. “I didn't come here to be teased, Lucius.”

“No, you came here to try and forget your misery but every attempt I make, you rebuke.” Lucius sighed a little. Then he stepped closer and dropped an arm over Severus's shoulders, ignoring the way he stiffened. “Now. Severus. Tell me what kind of guy you like.”

His cheeks flushed but Severus just frowned. “...It's not that I like men, Lucius. Just... Just the one.”

“Oh, don't be so shy. There's nothing at all wrong with it. I mean, you're straight enough to still be after Potter's woman, so what does any of that matter?” Severus's frown deepened but Lucius just pressed on. “Come on. _Tell me._ We'll be like those mushy girls back in school.”

Severus briefly got an image of himself and Lucius sitting in the dorm, doing each other's nails as they gushed over such and such Quidditch player. It was enough to make him snort a bit and his spirits raised. Lucius grinned when he noticed.

“What about broad shoulders? Or do you like the fae ones? More like women, that way.”

“No. That kind annoys me...” He couldn't believe he was actually thinking about this.

“All right. Broad shoulders then. What about hair color? Blonds maybe?”

“Erm. I don't think that matters...”

“All right then. A pretty face, maybe.” Severus thought back unconsciously to Lupin. Definitely not a pretty face, but not ugly either. He shook his head a bit. “Hm. So, not like a woman? All right. Well, you'd definitely want a good body. Maybe someone smart, so they don't bore you to tears? But very sexy. The librarian type. I'm sure I can find someone like that.”

“Lucius......”

“Hush now, I'm trying to _help_ you. Honestly.” Lucius paused and gave him a glance, looking him up and down. “I don't suppose your the... ah... _submissive_ sort?”

“What?” Severus stared at him, a bit confused. “What's that suppose to mean?”

“Hm. How should I put it delicately... The _catcher?_ ” That just made him even more confused. What on _earth_...? “The bottom? The... Merlin, Severus, are you a _virgin?_ ”

Severus, red faced, said nothing. Lucius stared a bit and then a smirk broke out on his face. Then he started steering Severus right back towards the house.

“You are. How hilarious! Well. _That_ certainly explains a few things. We're going to have to _fix_ that, now won't we?”


	24. And Not Because You're Expected

“Lucius, where the hell are you dragging me?” Severus asked with annoyance as Lucius pulled him into the manor and continued through various hallways.

“To my bedroom, of course.”

Severus stumbled, looking at the blond's back incredulously. “Ex _cuse_ me?!”

“I do recall telling you we'd fix this little problem of yours.”

“You _can't_ be serious!"

Suddenly, Severus found himself up against a door with Lucius looming over him, gray eyes boring into him. A shiver ran down his spine. Dear Merlin, what the hell was going on?

“I am _quite_ serious, Severus,” Lucius purred out, lifting one hand to brush along Severus's sharp jaw almost tenderly. “Whoever this man was that so enraptured you, he obviously didn't want you completely if you're still a virgin. I intend to change that.”

“But...but _why?_ ”

Lucius smiled, rather amused. “Because you're my friend, Severus, and I'd rather you have this knowledge than leave it up to someone who might injure you badly. And if you're going to lose it, it should be with someone who gives a damn about you.”

Severus stared at him and tried not to let those words hurt him. Give a damn? He'd thought Lupin had. At least some. Maybe he never had. Lucius sighed a little.

“I _want_ to be your first, Severus... And you might as well figure out if you really _do_ like it. Unless I'm not your type?”

“No, it's just... I... I hadn't thought of doing anything like... _this_.” He didn't even know what this _was_.

“It'll be fun, Severus. And feel very good. Surely better than whatever fumbling that buffoon offered you.”

Severus didn't remember it as fumbling. He remembered it as hot and heavy and too good and- He flushed. “Lucius...”

The blond just smiled and then started dragging him all over again. Severus stumbled behind him every few steps. Damn Lucius and his longer strides... He barely noticed they'd made it to Lucius's bedroom when there was a sudden devouring mouth upon his own. Severus jerked with surprise but Lucius was determined to get a reaction from him. It wasn't like Lupin, he drew him out with a firm resolve and patience, but more of a title wave of force. Severus trembled faintly as Lucius began at his buttons, tongue reaching deep to taste him fully. Merlin, was he really going to do this?

Severus jerked his head aside, panting. “Lucius... Lucius, stop!”

“Hush now,” Lucius murmured as he began to nibble along his neck, tugging his shirt farther open to get at more skin. Severus clenched his jaw. It felt good but so very _wrong_. Lucius's fingers were smooth against his skin but harsh with pressure. Severus shivered, gripping Lucius's shoulders as he tried to push him back.

“No, I can't _do_ this, Lucius-”

“Don't fight me.” Lucius's voice was cool as he lifted his head and looked at Severus in the face. “You'll enjoy this.”

Severus tried to respond but there was suddenly a hand between his legs, squeezing and he wheezed with the strangest mix of arousal and pain. Lucius went back to devouring his throat as Severus shuddered against him. It wasn't all unpleasant, but all Severus could think about was how different his touch was to Lupin's.

Maybe he needed this. Maybe the only way to forget Lupin was to erase his touch with someone else's.

His robes pooled to the floor before Severus managed to start on Lucius's. Lucius slid hard fingers down his chest and belly, edging along the hem of his slacks before starting on them as well, just as Severus got the man's shirt open.

Don't think, he told himself, desperate to follow his own advice. _Don't think..._

Thin fingers wrapped around his cock before he realized his pants had been undone. Severus let out a sharp sound and Lucius chuckled against his throat as he stroked, pleased with how Severus hardened in his hand. Severus bit his lip, hands drawing down Lucius's chest to find his pants and reciprocate, but his hands were slapped away.

“Just feel,” Lucius purred at his ear before nibbling it and causing more shivers down Severus's back. “I want to show you what it can be like. How good it can be. Trust me.”

The words felt more like a silkily spoken curse than reassurance but Severus couldn't find it in himself not to respond to them. Lupin had said to him with all those kind words, all his gentle touches, all his reassurances. He'd thought he could believe in them.

Severus let Lucius strip him completely, even though his face shown with embarrassment. He let Lucius press him back onto the bed, returning the kiss when Lucius crawled over him to capture his lips. He shivered under Lucius's hands as the blond smoothed his fingers down his sides, leaving reddened marks here and there when he pressed too hard.

Lucius had never betrayed him.

Lucius did things with his mouth Lupin never had. He made Severus whine and writhe, arch and cry out. And when he urged Severus onto his belly, he went willingly. Even when it hurt, when Lucius split him down the middle and it burned and throbbed down his spine, he let it happen. Because Lucius had said to trust him and Severus wanted desperately to believe in something. _Anything._

This was how men loved? This almost violent coupling... Was this what he'd wanted with Lupin? It burned inside as Lucius moved but he was soothed by the hot brush of every breath against his neck, by Lucius' hands sliding over his skin, by Lucius' softly spoken words. And the burn gave way to a deeper pleasure that nearly made up for it. Nearly. Not quite. But he was still hard and his body yearned. Severus reached between his legs to sate that need as Lucius drove ever harder and deeper into his body.

He felt the hot spill of liquid within him before he managed to join Lucius in orgasm. Then they lay still, panting. Lucius still throbbed inside him, too big, too much, and he felt a bone deep soreness. Severus closed his eyes and covered them with one hand, only slightly surprised to find them wet.

“Severus? Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just... Give me a moment.”

He felt Lucius' lips brush the back of his neck before the man carefully withdrew from him. Severus shivered and bit his lip at the uncomfortable feeling of liquid sliding along his thighs. Lucius' arms remained around him, a slight anchor for the turbulence within him.

It hadn't worked. He hadn't thought it would, either. Lupin's touch was burned into his skin.

Lucius gave him a potion for the soreness and various other little pains. They washed alone and Severus stared at his fingers when they came back bloody from between his thighs. Violent. Was everything about being human violent? Severus swallowed thickly and washed the evidence away as the potion healed him from the inside out. Erasing the evidence.

He wished it would erase it from his mind as well.

Lucius' treatment of him was exactly the same after. Severus wasn't surprised. After all, hadn't Lupin told him that one needed be loved to be wanted like that? At least Lucius gave a damn about him.

His robes would have done fine in his opinion, but Lucius insisted on something more. He ended up finding a more ornate set of robes, black thankfully, that only needed a few adjustments for Severus' leaner frame. Severus felt rather silly in them but Lucius swore he cut quite the figure. It felt vaguely uncomfortable as Lucius adjusted it here and there, hands sliding over his body. He said nothing about it, however, and just brushed out his hair, letting it drape around his neck and shoulders loose as usual.

“Never cut that, all right?” Lucius murmured with a little smile. “Short hair would look _horrid_ with your facial structure.”

Severus lifted a brow. He doubted his facial structure would look good with _anything_. And for some reason, he thought about cutting his hair just to spite Lucius.

The two of them ate a light meal before the guests began arriving. Severus was sore but managed to hide it as he floated about at Lucius' side. Most of the guests were social elite and few of them had any reason to speak with him, except by proxy of Lucius. After all, as far as they were concerned, he was a lower class pure blood and they had nothing they wanted of him, so why bother? At least, as a friend of Lucius, they didn't start to giggle and gossip until they were mostly out of audible range.

Severus was used to this. It had been that way from the beginning, since he started accepting Lucius' invitation. He used to wonder if Lucius did it to feel superior, but that felt petty and stupid. Frankly, he doubted Lucius really thought that far. Instead, it seemed he was there for Lucius to impart amusing criticisms of the surrounding pure bloods to. A few times, Severus had to use every bit of his willpower not to burst out laughing.

Narcissa joined them later in the night. Severus almost felt guilty and awkward, thinking back to what he'd done with Lucius, but then realized that her escort was far too close to her side and treated her with far too much regard to be a simple friend. It wouldn't be the first loveless marriage he'd heard of among the social elite... Narcissa was very round with child but had robes tailored so perfectly that the mound only accentuated her. She smiled beautifully and didn't seem to mind his inquiries about her health and that of her child. She was quite pleased to find out that he'd agreed to be godfather and he thought her smile was rather sincere.

When she finally went off again with her escort, Lucius watched her with a strange look on his face.

“That's my heir,” he said quietly. Severus glanced at him, intrigued by the oddly gentle tone in his voice.

“Lucius?”

The blond blinked a little, then smiled. “Oh, don't mind me. I'm thinking of grandiose things that you'd never care about. Shall I get us more wine?”

He was gone with the empty glasses before Severus could stop him. Severus sighed a little, folding his arms over his chest. He inched his way out of the crowd Lucius had left him within, then rested more comfortably at the fringe, back pressed securely against one intricately wallpapered wall. Severus preferred being on the outside. He liked watching the strange dance of fake smiles and veiled comments, seeing the little secret partnerships here and there, then the more public alliances. The pure bloods acted like visiting dignitaries. In a way, he supposed they were.

“Hello, Severus Snape. It's good to see you again.”

Severus jumped a little, turning his head quickly. He hadn't heard anyone approach! Standing beside him, leaning back against the wall as he did, was Lord Voldemort. Two years had changed him. He still exuded that same dangerous charisma and dark beauty, but he was aging and there was faint strain around his reddish brown eyes. Whatever he'd been up to, it was taking a toll on him.

“I don't suppose you've thought about my offer these last few years...?”


	25. And Certainly Not

Severus thought he'd be ready for this. He wasn't. Not at _all_.

“I...”

Lord Voldemort smiled coldly, sending a shiver along Severus' back. He wasn't an idiot seventeen year old who didn't know who he was talking to. This man would not allow another slight to go unpunished.

“I suppose it _is_ a decision not to be made lightly,” Lord Voldemort chuckled out and, blessedly, his gaze slid back to the crowd. Severus felt a little better not to have Lord Voldemort's eyes boring into him like that.

“I have been thinking about it,” Severus admitted quietly, arms tightening their hold around him. “I... I wouldn't want to enter into it half-heartedly.”

The older man snorted. “Yes, I _would_ rather have completely loyal followers and doubts _do_ tend to make that impossible.”

Severus glanced at him but quickly looked away. Something about Lord Voldemort drew him in, like a moth to flames, but that same power was so very out of his league that he could barely understand why the man would deign to look at him, much less invite him personally into his service. It wasn't as if Severus was _special_.

“You are special.” Severus jolted a little when Lord Voldemort echoed his thoughts. “I've been watching you for a long time, Severus. I believe you are a perfect candidate for my service.”

“Why?” he couldn't help but asking. The Dark Lord chuckled, thin lips pulled into a coldly amused smile.

“You and I have more in common than you think. I suppose... that I see myself in you.”

Severus' eyes widened faintly. What on _earth_ could he _possibly_ have in common with Lord Voldemort? He sucked in a quick breath as the Dark Lord leaned over and then murmured quiet words against his ear.

“Your father. You've left him alive all this time. Even after what he's done to you,” he murmured so silkily that Severus couldn't help but shiver. His father... Lord Voldemort knew about his _father!_ Before Severus could try to save things, the Dark Lord continued. “I know what you are, Severus. I know what you can _be_. The Prince line needn't be spoiled by one muggle bastard. I can purge that man's blood from you.”

He felt like he'd been hit in the chest. Severus blinked wildly and his heart pounded as Lord Voldemort pulled away. Purge him of Tobias' blood? Could he? Severus didn't know if he should believe it, but he wanted to. Merlin, did he want to. Maybe it was only bring a Prince descendant that mattered, but for once, someone wanted something of him. Someone thought he was _special_. Worth waiting for. Worth working for.

“Can you...?”

Lord Voldemort smiled. “I can do things that would erode your mind to dust with worshipful awe, Severus. I can bring you fame... Fortune. _Acceptance_. You will never have to remember that man or that life.”

It was so much to take in, so much to understand and believe. Merlin, was this honestly happening?

“Will you accept this gift?” Lord Voldemort asked softly, his expression serious and faintly hinted with a deeper wanting that made Severus shiver. “Will you accept _me?_ ”

Severus stared at him. He'd never... never been asked to accept someone else. Always, it was the other way around and he'd always been so painfully rebuked. Without even meaning to, he found himself nodding, unable to do the same to anyone else.

“Yes... Yes, I will accept you..”

The Dark Lord smiled once more and Severus realized what he'd just done. Dear Merlin...

“Tonight, you will be staying here?” Lord Voldemort asked.

“Yes. Lucius offered me a guest suite.”

“Excellent. I shall see you later this evening, then, once the rabble have had their fun and parted ways.”

And then the man was gone. Severus stared after him, feeling pale and shaky as that overwhelming aura left with him. Dear Merlin, what had he just _done?_ Quickly, Severus left the main ballroom and found a bathroom where he quickly unloaded the contents of his stomach. He knelt against the tiled floor, panting with sudden anxiety. Dear _Merlin._

He had to get out of there. He had to _run_. But where would he go? Rosier was dead. Lupin out of the question. He didn't dare bring danger to Belby. And Lord Voldemort knew-

His heart nearly stopped. Lord Voldemort knew about his father. He knew what _he_ was. This same man who hated muggles with such a passion that he'd dedicated his life to eradicating them. This same man who tortured and murdered and... Oh _God_.

He threw up until there was nothing left in his stomach to lose. What was he going to do?! It was all well and good to defend his friends, to hold out their good intentions and character, but he couldn't do this!

…But Lord Voldemort knew what his father was. He knew _who_ his father was. If he ran, Tobias was a dead man. And for some inane reason, Severus couldn't let that happen.

He shook and panted and curled his fingers in his long hair. What was he going to _do?!_

Nearly an hour later, Lucius tracked him down. By then, Severus had managed to calm his body and wash his face, but he was still so shaky and pale. Lucius didn't ask. He already knew. And Severus knew there was no escaping this.

He hoped his father's deity could forgive him because he was rather sure Merlin never would.

The office Lucius led him to had been cleared of everything except a round, blood red rug and a high backed chair just past it. In that chair sat Lord Voldemort. He didn't get up when the two wizards entered but a cold smile spread over his lips. Immediately, Severus felt the faint pressure of someone trying to break into his mind. He reacted instinctively, throwing up extra defenses to his usual latent ones and letting his thoughts filter so that only those he wanted to pass into the open did. After a bit, that pressure let off but he doubted it would be gone for long.

“Welcome, Severus. I'm so glad you've agreed to join us.” Lord Voldemort's smile sent shivers down his spine every time. Severus did all he could to hide it.

“It doesn't seem possible to make a different choice,” Severus murmured truthfully, which only made the Dark Lord chuckle.

“What a lovely way of looking at things.

Lord Voldemort rose from his chair as Lucius backed away from Severus's side, leaving him standing alone on the blood red rug. That was fine. He'd always been alone to face things. Why would it _ever_ change _now?_

“Kneel.”

Severus glanced at the man's amused face for a moment before he carefully lowered onto his knees, hands resting upon them. Lord Voldemort's smile widened.

“Your left hand.”

Another hesitation, but the Dark Lord didn't seem to care once he'd lifted his hand up. Lord Voldemort seized him around the wrist in a tight, painful grip. Severus didn't let himself flinch. It was just like being with Grandfather Snape again. He'd only be hit a second time if he flinched or turned away. He didn't even let himself twitch when the edge of the Dark Lord's wand touched his forearm.

“Severus Snape, do you swear to serve me faithfully for the rest of your days? Do you swear to lay down your life for me, for whatever reason I ask for it? Do you swear to submit yourself to my every order until the day you die?”

“I swear,” Severus murmured and was rather surprised his voice didn't waver. The air changed, charging with stored magic and promise.

“Then I accept you, Severus Snape, and rename you _Death Eater._ ”

Pain struck with such sudden violence that Severus had no defense. He screamed as fire burned along his arm and through the rest of his body. He was burning, blackened, turning to ash! His scream rose higher, reverberating through the walls. Through the fire, he thought he felt wind, sparks of magic, thought he might have heard voices and a terrible laughter...

And then it was over. Severus slumped forward, cradling his arm against his chest as he panted for breath and shook. His body was still there, nothing had burned, but his _arm_... It throbbed as if he'd broken something. Looking down, Severus stared at the newly tattooed mark upon his pale skin. The skull glared and laughed at him as the snake slithered through it, mouth open for the bite. Severus shivered harder.

“Rise, Death Eater.”

Severus was sure he'd collapse if he tried, but he had to. He carefully got onto his feet and rose, swaying lightly in place as he held his arm. Lord Voldemort glanced over his work with pride before his dark eyes flickered up to Severus' pale face. Then he chuckled.

“Go ahead, Snape. Faint. It's over.”

In more ways than he ever thought possible. Severus tried to hold on but Lord Voldemort had read his body perfectly. Within seconds, the world went black as Severus fell.

He didn't dream and he didn't know how long passed until he woke. Someone had moved him to the guest room. Severus stared up at the canopy top and then lifted his left arm. His night shirt rolled down to his elbow, exposing the nasty mark upon his skin. Severus wanted to cut it out of him. He sat up, staring down at it as the eyeless sockets glared back, promising pain and mayhem.

“What have I done?” he whispered, hand curling into a fist. The snake seemed to slither within the skin as tendons shifted under. He relaxed his hand and closed his eyes. _Damn it._

The door opened and Lucius came in. Both men stared at one another for a long few moments before Lucius pulled a chair by the window closer to the bed and sat down in it.

“Well. This has been an eventful day for you, hasn't it?”

Severus wanted to rip out that smooth talking mouth. Instead, he just answered quietly, “I suppose.”

“It gets better after the initiation. Only the worthy survive. The rest burn into cinders.”

Severus closed his fist again and stared at the mark. Worthy. Was that what Lord Voldemort meant by purging Tobias out of him? He found himself not really caring. Worthy... He supposed he could deal with that. For a little while, anyway.


	26. Because They Make You

It seemed that as soon as he left Lucius' house the next day, Severus' life was a sudden whirlwind of activity. Things at St. Mungo's picked up as attacks around the country sent more and more wizards into hospital care. Severus found it disconcerting that he now furiously brewed for the self same people he fought and injured.

Lord Voldemort had put him to work immediately. Nearly every other night, Severus was participating in a raid if he wasn't doing dangerous potions work for the man. It was exhausting, working through the day brewing and then spending nights fighting Ministry Aurors in hit and run operations. There wasn't a day when one or the other one of the higher ranking Death Eaters didn't heal him of some pain. Whoever the twp men were, they were the only healers Severus saw among the corps and he committed their voices to memory since they kept their faces covered. However, he never heard those voices at St. Mungo's.

Severus figured out a good half of who everyone was. Death Eaters were suppose to keep their faces covered unless Lord Voldemort himself told them to unmask. Protections from spies. Only Death Eaters of certain ranks know who was on which raid. However, Severus had always been an avid people-watcher. It was easy to figure through bits of conversation, body language, and unconscious habits to who belonged to who, especially since most members showed themselves at various parties where their class allowed.

He hated the raids. He hated the stench of fire and urine and blood. He hated the screams of innocent people and children. He hated the sight of bodies writhing under Cruciatus. He hated the way they rounded muggles and sympathizers like rats, singling out certain targets, and then destroying them. He hated himself for doing it all.

When the chance came to do a reconnaissance mission instead, Severus jumped on it. Apparating to Hogsmeade, he sought out the tavern he'd been told to scope. His cloak kept his identity secret and wasn't all that odd, really. No one else out that night seemed surprised. He took ordered a drink and set to waiting.

The targets came finally. Severus drank and listened. So close to April's full moon, his hearing was at its peak. However, they were speaking in code. Severus memorized the words but he wanted to know _more_. With a faint frown, Severus lifted his head and stared at the two from beneath his hood covertly. Carefully, he curled his hand around the hilt of his wand and whispered out, “ _Legilimens._ ”

It was suddenly clear. Neither men had any but the most rudimentary mental shields and Severus got through them easily. He learned the cypher for their code, memorized names and dates and locations, and then pulled free without either knowing he'd been there in the first place. He left sometime after they did and returned to his flat, writing everything down in one of the three Death Eater cyphers. Once completed, he reported back to his superior, who seemed slightly surprised he'd done so well.

After that, there were no more raids for him. Severus had shown himself to be more valuable than that. The next months, his work load was easier for his missions came only every week or two, giving him plenty of time to rest and recuperate while he brewed for St. Mungo's. He didn't mind the missions. There was no longer a stench of death that seemed to infiltrate every stitch of clothing he owned. The hard part was over, he thought.

June brought Lucius's child into the world. They named him Draco in typical pure blood fashion. Severus was there the day after the birth and blessed the child himself, accepting formally the role of godfather. Draco cried and screamed, pink face scrunched up when he wasn't in his mother's arms. It amused Severus to watch as Narcissa cooed and smiled at the child, all too happy to have him with her. The moment was soft and gentle and even Lucius couldn't help gazing at his heir with utter adoration. Draco would grow up happy and loved, as it should be.

A week later brought him back to Hogsmeade to investigate another lead. The weather had turned foul and was raining buckets upon him as lightning stuck through the sky. Severus crept into place at the Hog's Head Inn and waited. Experience had made him rather relaxed, really. He didn't have to worry about dying for the most part and he'd made it an art to lie low years ago. It was second nature now.

His target entered with the most particular woman. Her frizzy hair seemed to overtake her head, as did her wide glasses which multiplied her eyes to dizzying size. He covered a snort. The woman didn't worry him but the target was one Albus Dumbledore. As they sat down, Severus was a bit surprised Dumbledore didn't notice him there.

It was an interview, apparently. The woman spoke in riddles and with grandiose gestures that were little becoming for how useless those words were. Severus found her absolutely ridiculous. As the interview came to a close, Dumbledore began to tell her that he would not be hiring her when the woman abruptly went very still. Severus narrowed his eyes and listened carefully as her voice dropped low and dark with a cadence completely different than her own.

" _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches.…born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not.…and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives.…the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…_ "

Severus barely kept himself from reacting. A prophecy? They were rarely real, but he suddenly felt a cold chill in his gut. Severus barely heard the woman mention something about being faint and then Dumbledore's kind worry before accepting her to Divination professor of Hogwarts. They soon left but Severus stayed behind, silently reeling.

A child was to be born that could defeat the Dark Lord? He shivered. Such a child would have to have more power than even Dumbledore himself. To think one like that would be born...

Eventually, Severus managed to get back to his contact. He relayed the prophecy along, as with that Dumbledore had spoken of nothing consequential and seemed busy with the running of his school. Then he escaped back to his flat to try and cool his unease.

In early August, Severus received word that Lily had borne a son on the 31st of July. They named the child Harold James Potter. Vaguely, Severus remembered Lily having an uncle named Harold that she'd particularly adored. It seemed pathetic that James had to christen the child with his own name. Severus didn't rip up the letter or the moving photo of mother with child. James wasn't in it, after all. He ended up putting both on his dresser and not moving them.

Days later, a second letter came in from none other than Albus Dumbledore. Apparently, Severus' old Potions teacher had seen fit to retire and with such little notice, Dumbledore was having trouble finding anyone else to take up the job. Severus thought about it for days before realizing that being so close to Dumbledore would make it easier to watch the man and relay things back to the others. He accepted the position and contacted St. Mungo's with his resignation.

School began on September 1st, but Severus moved in a week earlier to ready his personal rooms and classroom. He met with the other teachers, most of which were still those who had taught him. McGonagall gave him a softer smile as she shook his hand in greeting and gave a late congratulations for his earning the Mastery of Potions title. Severus found it a bit odd to be on a first name basis with her and the rest, but in a way, it warmed him to be seen as their equal. Dumbledore made it known that he was welcome to visit the headmaster's office if ever he had a problem. It seemed a little cryptic to Severus, but he figured he was likely just paranoid.

Severus was also named Head of Slytherin, which gave him great pride. When school began, he met young cousins of his own school mates and little bastards he'd hoped would never exist, and that was just in his own house. He never realized how idiotic children could be until he had to teach them.

Near the end of October, Severus was promoted to the Second Level Circle out of the blue. He wondered why but it wasn't until mid December that he found out. It was the prophecy. In giving Lord Voldemort the prophecy of his own doom, Severus had sealed his loyalty and Lord Voldemort always praised loyalty and usefulness. And then Severus found out from Lucius that Lord Voldemort had decided on what child the prophecy spoke of.

Harold James Potter.

As soon as he could get away from Lucius, Severus apparated back to Hogwarts and flew to the Headmaster's office. He was lucky to find Dumbledore there and awake. So panicked that he was, it took longer to calm down enough to actually be understood. Dumbledore sat next to him, one hand at his shoulder as Severus shook and held his head in his hands.

“I don't care if you turn me in,” Severus told him, quiet and scared. “I don't care if they throw me in Azkaban or give me the Kiss. I..I..”

“You're not making sense, my boy,” Dumbledore murmured with worry. “What has happened that's gotten you into such a state?”

“He knows. He knows the prophecy. He knows about Lily's baby.”

“Lily's son...?”

Severus lifted his head and stared at the Headmaster with wide, frightened eyes, his face pale and heart racing.

“There were only two,” Severus explained. “Two children who could fit. It's not the Longbottom child, it's _Lily's._ ”

Dumbledore frowned. “How...”

“It's my fault. I-I told him. I'm Death Eater.” Severus swallowed thickly, dragging back his sleeve to show Dumbledore the hated mark. “You have to... You have to protect her. He'll come for the child. He'll kill her for it.”

“What do you propose? I can't take that boy from his parents just to-”

“Hide them all, then. Keep her – _them_ – safe. Please.”

“And what will you give me in return, Severus?”

Severus blinked, breath hitching. “In – in return? _Anything_.”

Dumbledore nodded and let go of his shoulder, standing once more. He walked to his desk and stared down at it, hands resting on the surface.

“Severus, do you know of the Order of the Phoenix?” the old man finally asked as he turned and glanced over one shoulder. Severus frowned.

“Yes... There have been a few Aurors we've fought that were thought to be part of the Order. I don't know much about them since I've been doing reconnaissance work.”

Dumbledore nodded and then leaned back against his desk, still holding the edge. “I will protect the Potters. We'll find a way. In the meantime, I ask that you act as my spy within Voldemort's forces, that you join the Order of the Phoenix.”

“What?” Severus stared at him. “But... I am..”

“Already spying on me, apparently,” Dumbledore murmured almost kindly. “You will feed Voldemort the information I tell you to and, in turn, give me information you come across. If you cannot or will not agree to this, I must contact the Ministry.”

Severus thought about it, feeling numb inside. There was one issue, one problem he could not ignore no matter how much he wished he could. “Can you protect my father as well?”

Dumbeldore nodded. “Yes.”

“Then I'll do it. I'll be your spy. Your man until death.”


	27. You Did It

The Potters disappeared in mid January, as did a few other prominent families. Severus didn't ask where they'd gone because he didn't want to be a risk to their safety. To _her_ safety.

Lord Voldemort was furious. When Severus was brought before him to give an update on Dumbledore's activities, he ended up on the wrong side of a Cruciatus curse. He stumbled back to his rooms later in a shaking wreck, but he'd succeeded. The Dark Lord didn't know he'd been the one to alert anyone.

When he wasn't being tortured by Lord Voldemort or doing missions for Dumbledore, Severus rather enjoyed teaching. The students were idiots, but when he found someone with a similar talent to his own, he felt compelled to further that talent. Between extra classes for such students, tutoring the idiots, detentions, regular classes, and then missions on top of it, Severus ran himself constantly ragged. He often wondered if it was worth it.

The school year went quickly. There was so much to do, so many battles to fight... The Death Eaters had become more emboldened by victories as the Order of the Phoenix fought valiantly against them. The violence was ever escalating into a monster too fierce for any to be unmarked. The children spent their days quiet and subdued, the younger ones often found in terrified tears while the older ones grew more and more morose. Children were pulled out of school every week as their families went into hiding or left the continent. More and more, he had his Slytherins coming to him for assurances and support. Severus had never felt so much responsibility.

And then June arrived. The children were sent home and Severus' life became even more busy. He was constantly pulled into plots of Voldemort's and the others of Dumbledore's, barely having a moment to himself. He rarely had to deal with others of either group because of his specialty but that didn't bother him so much as his lack of rest. When the summer ended, he was relieved.

School began in September. Barely half the students made it there. Countless children had been killed with their parents, others still hiding out. Those left behind were a grim bunch who barely had any reason to hope that the vicious fighting would end.

And then it all came to a head on Halloween night. Then his whole world fell apart.

It was near midnight when Severus's arm suddenly alighted with massive pain. He screamed out, waking in bed only to curl around himself and writhe as fire licked though his veins and ripped him from the inside. He thought he might die, his heart might stop, and then it was over. He laid still and shaking, clutching his still throbbing arm. Something had happened. Something with the Dark Lord?

When he was able, Severus got up and pulled on his robe. He left his rooms and searched out the Headmaster, only to find out he was gone. McGonagall was the same. Vaguely panicked, he went to the staff room to find a surprising number of Order members there.

Lupin sat on their small couch, head in his hands and shoulders shaking. Pomfrey sat next to him with her arm around him as she pet his hair. Old Elphias Doge was involved in an animated conversation with Arthur Weasley, who was trying very, very hard not to cry.

“What has happened?” Severus hissed out. The room went silent as Pomfrey, Doge, and Weasley looked at him, startled by his sudden appearance. Severus was rather sure he looked quite bad off, shaky as he still felt and holding his left arm.

“The Dark Lord is _dead_ ,” Doge said quickly. “He's gone! We're free of him!”

At that, Lupin gave another hoarse sob. What the blazes...? And then it really _hit_ him. Severus stared at the old man, barely breathing. Dead? Voldemort was...dead...? Severus staggared a bit into the door frame, just staring. How could this be? Voldemort... He was immortal! Luckier than the devil and with just as much darkness in his heart. How could _anyone_ have ever defeated him?

“Who?” he demanded. “Who did it? Dumbledore?”

Doge blinked. “Well... Well, that's where it gets a little _funny_. It was Harry bloody Potter!”

Severus stared a moment and then scowled. “This is no time for jokes!”

“It..It's not a joke,” Weasley added in, eyes tearing up. “That baby... He really did it. Somehow... somehow, he defeated that _madman_... but...but the _cost_...”

Weasley broke, covering his eyes with one hand as his body gave a sudden shudder. And Lupin was still sobbing on the couch. Voldemort was gone. Severus didn't understand. Why were they so heart broken? He stilled suddenly.

“Who's dead?”

Doge's face fell. Pomfrey gave a little sniff and then buried her face in Lupin's shoulder. Severus stayed very still. Dumbledore? Had that old man finally found his end? It wouldn't be surprising.

Weasley managed to get a hold of himself partly, tears streaming down his face as he looked at the younger man.

“James and Lily,” he murmured.

Severus didn't move. He stared. “What?”

“J-James and Lily,” Weasley repeated, shaking faintly. It still didn't quite hit. Severus felt suddenly numb. He left, moving back to his own rooms. As the door closed behind him with finality, Severus's knees weakened under him and he fell to them.

Lily. Lily was...

It didn't make sense. She was under protection! Dumbledore swore to him he'd protect her! She couldn't... It didn't make _sense_.

Her son had defeated the Dark Lord.

No, it was all lies. It couldn't...

Her son had defeated the Dark Lord and she was dead.

Severus crumpled in on himself and wept until he'd made himself sick. Then he staggered to his feet and got to his stash of whiskey.

He wasn't sober until two days later and that was only because Dumbledore stole what was left of the stash and refused to return it. He sobered slowly and painfully and his sorrow burned just as hard when he was of his own mind again. Then he promised Dumbledore he would watch over that boy, _her son_ , as Dumbledore had been unable to protect his mother. The old man allowed it and then told him that Harry Potter had been left with others and to wait. His time would come soon enough. Severus hated him more that moment then he'd ever hated anyone at all.

The school was having a week long holiday, luckily enough. There was no reason he had to make an appearance in front of the children. He wanted to curl up and let himself die but Dumbledore refused to let him. Somehow, when the new week began, Severus managed to drag himself to class and conduct it. That didn't stop him from getting drunk that night at one of the shadier taverns in Hogsmeade. He refilled his stash and spent nearly the next month teaching through continuous hangovers.

The Aurors and the Order worked double time to round up Death Eaters right and left. There were almost continuous trials and Severus was brought in as well. He barely managed to escape Azkaban, only Dumbledore's word keeping him away. Then he returned to Hogwarts and hid there.

Frank and Alice Longbottom ended up in St. Mungos after being tortured insane in mid November. The remaining Order Members were devastated and fought even harder to bring an end to the lasting violence. Severus didn't bloody care about any of it. Anything really, even when Igor Karkaroff denounced him in court. Dumbledore, once again, came forward to protect him.

Sirius Black killed thirteen muggles and Peter Pettigrew in January. The news was utter shock. Black had gone missing just after the Potters' deaths and had not resurfaced until then. The sheer violence of the attack shocked the whole of Wizarding England, and even worse the laughter Black had been reported to have uttered when he was taken into custody. He was sentenced to life in Azkaban.

Severus wished he'd been ripped into pieces, especially when the full story came out. A Fidelius charm, a betrayal, and now murder of a remaining Marauder. None of it made sense. Severus drank and then decided that he'd been right. Black had been no good from the start, a wolf in sheep's clothing, and Lily had paid for it. Severus hated him more than ever.

Weekends became blurs he didn't remember. He avoided the rest of the staff, ignored Dumbledore and McGonagall's attempts to talk with him, to share in his sorrow. He didn't want to talk. He didn't even want to think.

In retrospect, he shouldn't have been surprised when Lupin appeared in his room late one Saturday night. Lupin looked like utter shit and, drunk as he was at the time, Severus didn't hold back telling him so. He didn't remember well what happened after, just a long stream of flashes that didn't make sense.

He woke up in bed and stared at the ceiling fan and wondered why he hadn't just killed himself already. It wasn't going to get better. It wasn't going to change. His life was this shit existence of pain and ruthless violence and it was never, ever going to get better.

Lupin was asleep beside him. They were both naked. There were bruises and bites along both of them and Severus' body felt strung out and unfamiliar. Sex, he supposed. The headache pounding in his skull made it hard to think. Severus sat up and the sheet that had only partially covered him fell away. He held his aching head and stared at Lupin and wondered why he was there.

Why the hell would he be there?

Severus had already showered and taken a hangover potion before Lupin woke. He watched Lupin sit up and run a hand through his hair. He watched Lupin look up and notice him and blanch.

“Severus.”

It took a few moments and then he answered with a quiet, “Lupin.”

Lupin didn't seem surprised. He dropped his hands into his lap and just looked at him. Severus folded his arms over his chest.

“What are you doing here?” Severus wondered if his voice had always sounded so tight and hoarse.

Lupin had a deadened look on his face. As numb as Severus felt. “Where else am I suppose to be?”

Severus had to admit that was a rather good question. His friends dead, a betrayer in Azkaban, what was left for him except the packmate he had left alone for years now? Severus' chest tightened and he prepared to tell him to leave, but what came out was a quiet, strained, “ _Stay here_.”

Lupin watched him and seemed to read the vulnerability Severus didn't even know he had. Finally, he nodded a little and Severus fetched him a hangover potion. They didn't speak as Lupin cleaned up and Severus refreshed his robes. A house elf brought breakfast enough for two, apparently warned by the Headmaster. Severus assumed Dumbledore was plotting something again but he really didn't care.

He didn't drink much that day as he and Lupin sat in his living area before the fire, watching the wood burn. Severus sipped the same glass of whiskey for hours.

“Severus.” He glanced over at Lupin, who had not called him Snape that entire time. For a moment, Lupin looked like he wanted to ask something important, but his courage failed. “The next moon?”

“Nine days,” Severus responded and that was all. Lupin left that evening.


	28. For Yourself

Severus had rather been expecting another round of bad news. It still felt like a hit to the face when he received notice that his father had been killed in the factory a day after Lupin left. The accident was due to a faulty piece of machinery. The company lawyer urged him not to sue and offered a settlement to keep him quiet. He didn't sue, mostly because he didn't have the strength to.

Tobias was buried next to Eileen. Severus didn't really know why he bothered. It wasn't as if Tobias had ever been a father to him. There was money left behind, no debts except the mortgage for the house on Spinner's End. He used the money to buy a tombstone but he didn't have anything written on it except Tobias's name and his dates of birth and death. Severus didn't feel enough to add an epitaph.

It was raining when they put the body down. Severus was alone to witness it. Long after the burial team left, he stood in front of his family plot and stared at the graves. Far too many graves for how little he felt about all of them. Severus left flowers for his mother.

Great aunt Lavina sent him a card. It offered condolences and then invited him to come live with her. She thought he was seven. He sent a polite reply and that was the last contact he had with any blood relatives.

Two days later, Severus went to the Shrieking Shack for the transformation. He still felt numb but he hadn't drunk anything since Lupin left. The taste left him feeling sick.

The moon itched under his skin. Severus hated it. He climbed up into the shack and closed the trap door behind him, feeling the warding spell click into place. He rose and then stood, thinking back. Had he taken his potion the last seven days? They blended together in a mass of numbness. Well. It didn't really matter, now did it. Severus sighed softly and began to undress.

A sound made his fingers pause along the buttons down his vest. He instinctively tracked the noise, head twitching to one side. After a moment, he moved back towards the trapdoor just before it opened. Severus had his wand out and trained before he even thought about it.

Lupin stared back at him, half through the door. He glanced at the wand, then up to Severus' face. It took more than a few moments for Severus to drop his wand again.

“What are you doing here?”

Lupin dragged himself fully inside and closed the trap door. “Well, as much as I love the idea of rampaging outside-”

“ _What are you doing here?!_ ”

The shorter man looked at him again. Severus didn't realize just how shaken he was until that moment he heard the strain and upset in his own voice. His hands tightened at his sides.

“Where else am I suppose to be?” Lupin asked so softly he barely heard. Severus swallowed when Lupin smiled at him sadly. Too much. Severus looked away.

They undressed in silence, stowing their clothing away like they had as children. Severus sat against one wall, thin legs pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped around them. The moon itched more powerfully under his skin, alighting his senses. He could hear Lupin breath and his steady heart beat, scent the sweat on his skin and the faint salt of tears. His eyes flickered over to watch him out of the corner of his eye.

Lupin was alone, he realized. Just like he was.

The transformation come over them. For the first time in three years, the packmates were reunited but it wasn't the same anymore. Both wolves had human minds. They stayed where they were, staring at one another. The brown wolf was not quite Lupin. The black was not quite Severus. They fidgeted and scented the air. After a bit, the brown wolf laid down, head resting on his forepaws, and the black followed suit.

There was still a natural nervous energy in them. They couldn't lay for long before the need to move so overtook them that nothing else was thinkable. They padded around the shack, reacquainting with familiar territory and familiar smells. They tried not to bother each other, taking scrupulous care to keep out of each other's ways. It didn't work all that well and they often came face to face. After a long stare off, one or the other would turn away and continue on until the night was over. The black wolf curled up to sleep and not far from him, the brown did the same.

Severus woke to a touch that wasn't quite unfamiliar. He stayed still, kept his eyes closed, and kept his breathing smooth. Fingers, he surmised. Running through his hair. He felt warmth radiating from near his back. It wasn't quite soothing, but nor was it unpleasant. Severus let it go on for a bit, even knowing it had to be Lupin doing it. If Lupin wanted to touch him, he was a bit too tired to protest.

He did, eventually, decide to get up. Severus sat up and Lupin jerked his hand back only to blink when Severus grabbed him and gave him a tired look.

“Why do you do that?” he asked quietly. Lupin's jaw clenched faintly.

“I felt like it.”

Severus looked at him narrowly for a bit before he released him. They got up and dressed. As he tugged his shirt on, Severus noticed Lupin was staring at him. He frowned, shooting back an annoyed look.

“What is it?”

Lupin glanced at his face and then back towards... his arm. Severus pursed his lips and tugged his sleeve down, securing the buttons on his cuff. Severus jerked a little when Lupin stepped up to him and took his hand, undoing the cuff and pushing up his sleeve again. There was silence as Lupin stared at the Mark, running light fingertips over it. Severus thought it should hurt, somehow, even though it didn't.

“They can't remove it?” Lupin asked softly. Severus shook his head.

“It's entwined with my magical core.” It would kill him.

They were quiet as they finished getting dressed and went to Pomfrey. She gave them a few potions, checked them for injury, and then sent them off again. Severus started back to his rooms but paused, glancing back towards Lupin.

“..You're....welcome to join me. If you'd like to,” Severus managed awkwardly. Lupin shrugged a little, looking away.

“Are you pitying me, Severus?”

He scowled at vague sting that caused. Fine. Teach him to try. Severus turned and started back towards the dungeons only to have a hand clamp over his wrist. He flinched, jerking his hand free with a scathing look.

“I'm sorry,” Lupin said, frowning back at him. “I wasn't trying to... well. It doesn't matter. I'm sorry. I'd like to join you.”

Severus looked over him narrowly, suspicious of another slight but Lupin's expression was sincere. Finally he nodded a little and led Lupin back to his rooms. The best medicine was to sleep, but he doubted he'd be able to in such close quarters to Lupin. Instead, he ended up in his small mini kitchen, making tea. Lupin stood awkwardly near by, looking at this or that. Severus watched him from the corner of his eye. It was so strange to have the other man in his territory, but not as strange as he'd thought it would be. Of course, Lupin was pack to him. He supposed that meant something.

“Are these your parents?”

Severus nearly dropped the kettle. He looked over, seeing Lupin standing at his mantle. His parents? Severus set down the kettle from where he'd been pouring and stalked over, taking the framed photograph from Lupin and looking himself. He nearly stopped breathing.

It was from years ago, second year. Some relative had badgered Tobias into getting a picture made of the family. Eileen sat in chair stiffly, hands folded in her lap. He was next to her, one hand on her shoulder. Tobias stood behind them with his arms folded. Three equally grim Snapes. The photograph was stationary, since Tobias' family was muggle. In a way, it made them seem even more grim. Severus' eyes tracked over his father's face. Tobias really hadn't changed until the day he died.

Severus set the photograph back on his mantle, face down. His chest hurt but an overwhelming numbness soothed it back.

“Severus?” Lupin murmured, faintly worried. He didn't look at him.

“Yes. Those were my parents.”

Lupin stiffened as he understood what Severus meant. He looked away. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't be.”

Severus returned to the kitchen and finished preparing their tea. He brought Lupin his and they stood in front of his fire in silence. Neither drank. Severus wondered why in hell he'd ever asked Lupin to come back with him.

“Sirius is a traitor.”

Stiffening faintly, Severus glanced over, watching Lupin gaze blankly at the fire. “Lupin...”

“He tricked me.” Lupin closed his eyes. “I didn't... He got distant, at the end. He didn't talk to me about J-James. He... I should have realized something was wrong. He stopped talking to me.”

Severus didn't want to hear about Black, but he couldn't make Lupin stop talking. As if he knew how much Lupin _needed_ to talk.

“How do you live with someone for years and not realize what they are...?”

“It's not your fault.”

Lupin jerked, whipping his head around to stare at Severus and quite suddenly, Severus knew what he needed. He set down his cup and then drew Remus to him, arms wrapping tight around the other werewolf's body.

“It's not your fault,” he repeated softly. “ _He_ trained us. To hide. To trick. It's not your fault you fell for Black's mask. The man was masterfully good at it. I.... _I_ didn't even know.”

Remus shivered and dropped his cup as he grasped onto Severus tight. Severus didn't even bother being mad about the wet carpet. He rested his cheek against Remus' hair, feeling Remus breathing against his throat. He took in Remus's scent, full of aches and pains and the hint of chocolate and musk. Remus felt warm and alive against him.

“Stay with me,” Severus whispered. He didn't care how long. He didn't care why. He just wanted... Not to be alone.

Remus didn't respond at first. He held tighter, breathing hitching here and there, and then he murmured ever so softly, “I...I can't just... I won't _use_ you, just to... just to...”

“Shut up.” Severus closed his eyes. It wasn't as if he hadn't been used before. Or would be later. “I don't care about that. Just stay. Stay with me. For now. For... Please.”

He heard Remus's breathing go uneven again and held tighter. The silence killed him. If he was pushed away again... Remus shivered. “Okay.”


	29. By Yourself

Somehow, they made it to the bed. There they slept, clutching to one another like children. That evening, a house elf woke them and presented a light dinner. They ate in silence.

Severus was still so awkward. He glanced at Remus over the meal, wondering if he was suppose to say something or do something. There seemed to be a heavy feeling of expectation resting upon them. He _had_ asked Remus to stay, after all. So, now he had to do something with him, especially since there were classes the next two days. He couldn't expect Remus to just lay around his rooms all day.

“Severus.” He looked up with a slight jolt. Remus smiled softly at him. He hoped some day it would become more genuine again. “Tomorrow. I'm going to visit Diagon Alley. I should be back by the time you're done with classes.”

Severus nodded. “...You don't have to share your itinerary with me.”

“Maybe. But I thought you would feel better if I did.” Still smiling. Slightly amused. Still sad.

“I could care less what you do all day, Remus,” Severus muttered, brushing a bit of hair behind his ear as he glanced off. “If you miss dinner, I won't save you anything.”

When he looked back, Remus was staring at him. Severus frowned, wondering why he seemed suddenly shocked but then the expression left him again.

“I should be back by dinner,” Remus murmured as he turned back to his meal. He'd barely touched it. Severus beat down the faint worry he felt. If Remus didn't want to eat, he wouldn't make him, much as his body probably needed it.

The remnants of the meal were sent back to the kitchens. They stood around the tiny kitchen table for more than a few minutes before Remus went off to shower. Severus stayed, picking at the hem of one sleeve.

It couldn't be this awkward forever, could it? Had he made a mistake, asking Remus to stay? His own feelings hadn't changed. Severus still wanted him, wanted to be with him, but who was to say Remus felt anything at all? They'd fucked, not even two weeks ago, but that really didn't mean anything. Severus had learned that quickly enough.

That didn't mean he didn't _want_ to have sex with Remus again and properly remember it this time. Severus walked slowly to his bedroom door. He could hear the shower easier from there and caught the scent of his shampoo. It probably wasn't right to be thinking about Remus' wet, naked body with how painfully unsettled they seemed to be by one another.

Severus opened the bathroom door that Remus hadn't locked. An invitation? More likely just lack of thought or care. He was used to living with another man, after all. A man he cared about. Loved, even. Severus tried not to remember how the thought of Black touching Remus set his teeth on edge. He wanted to erase the other man from Remus' body.

Remus didn't notice he was there until he'd already undressed and pulled open the curtain. He jerked, eyes wide and hair slicked back against his head, curling faintly at his nape, soap lathered along his tan skin.

“Severus?” He barely got it out before Severus claimed his mouth and pressed him back, entering the shower. Remus was still and shocked at first and Severus had a faint fear. He should have waited. He should never have initiated. Lucius had always moved first, jumping him whenever he pleased, same with Remus. He should have _waited_...

And then Remus uttered the softest noise as he curled his arms around Severus, drawing them flush against one another. Remus was so warm from the water and slick under his fingertips. Severus couldn't help tracing over the bared body against him, feeling Remus shiver here and there and hearing his breathing hitch. He loved knowing that _he_ was the one causing it.

Remus broke his mouth free only to descend upon his throat with sudden hunger. A groan made it past Severus' lips before he could stop it. This was different, so very different from Lucius. He felt heat burn in his belly, stroked ever higher by Remus' ever touch, and his heart pounded in his chest with anticipation of more.

By Merlin... He'd never been this excited.

As he reeled, Remus bit his shoulder lightly, bringing out a soft gasp from Severus. He smiled faintly against his skin, hands sliding over Severus' body as if to claim him for himself. Firm, slightly rough touch made him shiver and groan.

“Remus...”

“That's right. _Say my name_.”

And then a hand slithered between them and Severus groaned as a hard shudder ran down his back. Remus curled firm fingers around his cock, touching him just right, just how he wanted it, how he'd longed for for years.

He didn't want anyone else but Remus to ever touch him again.

Severus arched into the mouth that began to travel down his chest. His fingers curled in Remus' hair and he didn't try to stifle his voice at all as he had always for Lucius. He could feel as well as hear Remus' soft growl when he caused such noise and it made Severus burn hotter.

Remus slid to his knees and before Severus could ready himself, wet heat engulfed the length of him. He gave a hoarse cry, one hand slamming against the tiles to steady himself as the other tightened in Remus' hair. He wanted to watch as he disappeared into Remus' mouth but it felt too _good_. His eyes shut tight as he is head hung, heart pounding. He felt Remus move back and forth, felt the swirl of that clever tongue over the head, and a whimper broke past him. So good, _so damn good_...

Firm hands held his hips, kneading him gently as he suckled hardened flesh and burned Severus through. He could feel the burn growing in his belly, threatening to overtake him any moment. Remus' hands slid back over his arse and massaged firmly between his fingers. Severus shuddered and then cried out as Remus took him to the hilt. He barely noticed a water slicked finger pressing into him through the perfect suction around him.

Severus was in heaven. He groaned and arched, shaking under Remus' knowing caress. There was the faintest burn as a second finger pressed inside and stretched him oh-so-slowly, but it barely registered as Remus swallowed around him. He moaned hoarsely, head thrown back as Remus' fingers brushed his prostate and a white flash of pleasure roared through him. He could barely stand it.

And then it all stopped before he could reach his end. Remus drew back, licking his lips as he looked up Severus' body to catch his eye. Severus stared back, shaking with need and expectation. Remus rose, letting his body slid along Severus' the full length. He was hard and heavy against Severus' thigh and faintly whimpered when Severus brushed his fingers along the shaft.

“I want you,” Severus whispered against Remus' lips. The shorter man shivered against him, hands sliding along his hips. “Please. Just... _please_.”

“Fuck,” Remus muttered and then caught his lips in a sheering kiss. Severus slid his hands up Remus' chest to curl back in his hair tight, tilting his head to deepen the contact. Remus tasted like summer and chocolate.

Pressing closer, Remus urged him back until he was pressed flush to the wet tiles. His hand slid down from his hip over his thigh, then caught at the knee and brought his leg up against him. Severus hooked it around Remus' thigh, breathing hitching as every movement made them rub against one another. There was faint stumbling as Remus used the pressure of his body to keep Severus up, and then his hands held under his arse as Severus kept both legs wrapped around his thicker waist. Severus' heart raced in his chest.

It burned as Remus pressed into him, but he didn't care. Severus panted against Remus's shoulder, eyes closed as Remus slid every slow inch. By the time he felt coarse hair against his skin, Severus was shivering again and panting hard.

“Severus?” Remus murmured so softly.

“I'm fine,” he returned, biting his lip. “Fine..”

Remus stayed still, panting as he throbbed within him. It didn't take long for Severus to get used to the large presence within him and his arms tightened around Remus' shoulders as his hips twitched, urging the other to move. Remus sucked in a slow, quiet breath and his hands tightened before he began the slow slid out. There was a strange dual feeling of both relief and anguish as Severus felt it leaving his body and it returned when Remus pressed back into him.

Nothing frantic. Nothing wild. Their breathing mingled with the slow push and pull between their bodies. Severus kept his eyes closed and let himself be swept away by the feel.

A startled groan ushered a shiver down Remus' spine. Severus held tighter, his breathing ragged and uneven. A faint tilt of hips and he was crying out as Remus growled into his throat. Severus' legs clenched around him, using what little leverage he had to draw Remus in deeper, faster. He _needed_ so _much_...

Remus uttered a shivery breath against his neck and rocked his hips with sudden strength that left Severus gasping. They were both at the end of their rope, consumed with pleasure and need. Severus could barely breath and his body shook with each thrust, He freed a hand from around Remus, plunging it between them to take up his own cock. He heard Remus groan and then nothing else as his vision whitened and a hard cry ripped from his throat.

When he came down again, Remus was shaking against him, barely able to hold him up anymore. Severus swallowed thickly and winced when Remus carefully withdrew from him. He let his legs carefully drop back to the floor and there they stood as faint aftershocks of pleasure ran through their bodies.

“Severus,” Remus murmured, his voice weak and rough. “This is...”

“It can be nothing, like before,” Severus responded. It was easy to say with his face pressed to the other's shoulder. “If you want it to be, Remus. I... I don't mind.”

Remus made a faint, stifled sound and his arms wrapped around him, drawing them more tightly around him. Severus didn't know what it meant. He was a bit frightened to find out.

Eventually, they left the shower and dried off before retiring back to Severus' bedroom. In silence, they dressed for sleep. Severus stood awkwardly at his bedside, tired fingers fumbling over the buttons down the front of his night shirt.

And then Remus was behind him, hands resting on Severus' own and his chest flat against Severus' back. The potions master stiffened as he drew in a swift breath.

“It doesn't have to be.” Remus's voice was so soft near his ear. “Nothing. It doesn't have to be.”

Severus swallowed thickly and Remus' hands released his own to wrap around his waist, securing them against one another.

“I can't promise not to think of him,” Remus murmured. “And you can't promise not to think of her. But we can try this. We can try to heal with each other. Something... Something greater may come of it.”

Severus closed his eyes and rested his hands upon Remus' as he leaned back into the other. He wanted to ask how long but the fear of knowing was too strong. So, he simply nodded. They climbed into bed and Remus pulled him close. Severus tucked his head against Remus' throat, listening to Remus' breathing slow and calm. Closing his eyes again, Severus pressed his lips to his throat and rested.


	30. And Now

The next days were still awkward but slowly, things got better. Severus taught through the day and Remus went about his own business, always back in time for them to have dinner together. They tried talking about inconsequential things but neither had ever been all that good at it.

Still, it was nice. Peaceful. Severus wondered how long it could continue that way and hoped to Merlin that it would be a very long time indeed.

There was still unease in the outside world. Severus often forgot about it in the humdrum of school life. Death Eaters were still being taken in by the end of February. Aurors were still being injured in captures and battles. It would be years before the wizarding world calmed down with how much the power structure of their kind had been thrown into shambles.

Some days, Dumbledore called him into his office and they talked about such dramatic events. He called upon Severus for odd jobs here and there, usually to find more information about various still at large Death Eaters. Severus didn't mind. It was penance, after all. Penance for failing Lily.

It surprised him, how much he still thought of her. Severus had thought that, perhaps, she would free him from her memory if Remus ever returned his feelings, but she hadn't. He still heard her voice now and then, reminding him that he had no right to be happy. There was still something he had to do for her.

Lily's son had been left with her magic hating sister's family. Severus tried to convince Dumbledore to find someone, _anyone_ else, but he was firm. Harry was to be raised as a normal child with no exposure to magic. Severus stopped listening when Dumbledore went on about blood ties and the importance of humility. He didn't care about that. There was no way Lily's sister would give Harry the family he deserved. Severus would find a way. He swore it.

Mid March, Severus found an unsigned note in his bedroom. He narrowed his eyes, reading over the words. Death Eater code, second cypher. Only one of them would have sent him this. Severus pursed his lips and burned the note once he'd mentally decoded and memorized the message. There was no way he couldn't go.

As soon as Remus was asleep, Severus rose and dressed, dragging out a hooded cloak. He didn't know what to write in a note, so he left nothing behind. Instead, he simply snuck out of the castle and headed towards Hogsmeade. As soon as he'd escaped the anti-apparition veil, he disappeared into the night.

Severus was the last to arrive. Snow whipped around him as icy wind bit at his exposed skin. Severus held his cloak tighter around himself, hood barely staying on his head. This was likely one of the few Death Eater meet points that hadn't been discovered yet. He'd only been there once before and had hoped never to return. Severus hated the bone deep cold. His students sometimes complained about the cool dampness of the dungeons, but they had no idea what real cold felt like.

There was light in the run down shack. Severus headed for it with his jaws locked to keep his teeth from chattering. He was stopped near the door with a wand to his throat.

“Snape?” a rough, grouched voice snarled out. Severus didn't turn to look at the man, already knowing by sound that it was Thorfinn Rowle.

“Forgive my lack of expedience,” he answered. Rowle snorted and drew back his wand before letting him inside.

No one was hooded. Severus pushed back his own once the door had been shut against the wind. Rowle stood near by, brutal-faced as ever. Leaning against the opposite wall was Augustus Rookwood, lips quirking into a smirk when Severus regarded him with a glance. Alecto and Amycus Carrow were near him with their near insane grins. There was still blood spatter on the male Carrow's duster. Last of the group was Lord Avery. Severus barely remembered meeting him once, when he was in third year. Avery's father had never much cared for him and now glared with as much hate as ever.

“You kept us waaaaaiiiiiting!” Alecto cackled with a little snort of glee. Her brother joined her with a disjointed, wheezy giggle.

“Maybe little Snapeykins was having a wild night,” Amycus leered, his sneer lopsided. “We'll have to 'pologize to Blondie later, hmmmmm?”

Severus didn't let himself respond to that. He lifted a brow, arms folded across his chest. In truth, while he could have been offended that Lucius must have 'kissed and talked', all he felt was relief that no one seemed to know about his relationship with Remus Lupin.

“Cut that idiotic blather,” Lord Avery snarled out with a disgusted look. Whoops. Avery hated him even more now. Severus couldn't quite feel bad about that.

“Oh, have a heart,” Rookwood crooned. “It's just a bit of fun. Really, it's Snape's own fault, pouf that he is.”

Avery gave another disgusted grunt and Rowle looked faintly green under a fringe of blond hair. The Carrows just giggled to themselves. Severus was rather convinced that they, more than any Death Eater he'd met, were absolutely bonkers.

“Ugh, if you're all finished with such childish rabble,” Avery grumbled, gesturing dismissively. He glanced around the rather motley group, obviously thinking himself above having to ever speak directly to them at any other time. This was serious. Severus's brows furrowed as he watched the man closely.

“Our brothers are being rounded up like pigs to the slaughter. While some of us have seen fit to denounce our Lord and escape punishment,” Severus got a particularly hateful glare at that, which he didn't respond to, “we cannot allow his death to go unpunished. The Potter child must be brought to justice.”

Severus' heart stopped. While the Carrows cackled and giggled and Rookwood gained another smirk, he could only think of the young child he'd sworn to protect. Somehow, he would have to diffuse this, or find a way to warn Dumbledore.

“He must be made an example of,” Avery continued, beating his fist against his palm. “And soon, before any of those imbeciles think we're well and truly beaten. We'll show them that the Death Eaters will never die. Our Lord lives on within us!”

Alecto gave a shrill cackle as her brother giggled beside her. Rookwood snorted and Rowle's lips quirked barely on one side. Severus just nodded, all the while trying not to reel over the idea of anyone going after Lily's child seriously. He had to stop this. Somehow... even if it killed him.

They bantered over ideas, delegating out jobs and information to gather. Severus didn't let himself react to Avery's eyes boring into him as he was ordered to circumvent Dumbledore and find out what he could of the wards. He agreed to it, though he doubted he really needed to. Once everything was settled, they agreed to meet a month from then and broke off.

The Death Eaters filed out into the cold but before Severus could get out the door, a hand grabbed his arm and jerked him back.

“I know what you are, Snape,” Avery hissed and Severus went cold but didn't let it show. He clenched his jaw faintly, giving the older man a narrow look.

“And what, precisely, is that?” Severus murmured cooly. Avery's lip curled.

“Halfblood,” he spat out. “I swear to Merlin, if you dare fail us, mudblood, I'll rip out your intestines with my bare hands and choke you with them.

Severus lifted a brow at the rather colorful imagery. For a moment, he'd thought Avery knew something _dangerous_ about him. “I shall endeavorer to be victorious then. Now, if you would be so kind to release me...”

Another sneer, but Avery let go and Severus escaped back to Hogwarts thoroughly chilled. He woke Dumbledore and informed him of what had happened. There was nothing to do just yet, especially since the cold had sapped what little energy Severus still had after teaching that day. Dumbledore sent him to bed with a promise to do what he could to head off the attack.

Severus didn't tell Remus. When he climbed back into bed, Remus tugged him back against him, muttering sleepily about cold feet, and then went right back into deep sleep. He didn't even remember Severus had gotten up at all in the morning. They woke, had breakfast together, and then Severus went to teach.

The month passed too quickly. Dumbledore compiled information for Severus to feed the Death Eaters. He'd chosen various Order members to circumvent the attack, even listened when Severus begged him not to get Remus involved. All of it was going too smoothly. Severus was on edge.

That night, he waited for Remus to sleep again before he left his rooms. Severus checked in with Dumbledore, who had gathered the Order members in the staff lounge, then left with a communication pin in his pocket. With it, he'd be able to signal exactly when the Order would appear, if Avery decided they were prepared enough to attack that very night.

He still hated cold. It chilled him to bone once more, but at least the wind wasn't as blustery this time. He got to the shack and went in, met with the Carrows going over a joke that didn't make much sense and seemed to have to do with chickens. Avery didn't seem all that amused. Rookwood arrived next with Rowle coming up behind, ever the watchful guard dog.

Not much was argued this time. They pooled information and Severus felt a sudden ease to know that the others hadn't found much, not even the name of the family Harry had been left with. He did what he could to misdirect them, offering both truthful and false information. First of all, he directed them to the wrong area and then the wrong family, noting Harry to have been left with a wizarding family. He had confidence that Dumbledore had already warded up the area they'd been planning on using if the Death Eaters hadn't figured out where Harry was. They took the bait and figured through a rough plan. Severus noticed glaring holes, only a few of which he brought to light. It was a perilous game he played here.

Avery decided to attack. They apparated out to the half deserted farmland of some relative of Dumbledore's. In silence, the six of them approached the main house. There were people inside – Severus hoped to Merlin they were plants – and light shone from only one window as someone puttered about in the kitchen for a midnight snack. Severus, with Rookwood at his side, advanced on the back door and unlocked it with a quick charm. Rookwood went ahead of him and Severus stayed close behind has he activated the communication pin and sent a series of taps before switching it off.

Who ever was in the kitchen hadn't noticed them. Rookwood smirked widely and held at the ready... and then everything went to hell. The person in the kitchen attacked as soon as they came around. Rookwood squawked as he narrowly missed a curse and returned fire. Severus did what he could as the two of them retreated from Alaster Moody and got out of the farm house, only to see the whole area had been filled with Order members. Severus saw Alecto screaming bloody murder after someone clipped Amycus' arm with a blistering hex, then dove for cover when a body bind shot past him.

The anti-apparition ward must have gone up just after the others got there. Severus kept up the fight as he moved towards the edge of the field. Edgar Bones managed to catch his leg with a stinging curse that toppled Severus to the ground before he petrified the man and hissed out the counter curse. His leg throbbed with pain as he limped on. Benjy Fenwick nearly caught sight of him, but Severus managed to duck out of the way and he went on to fight with Rowle.

It looked like things were going well enough. He just had to get out of there _alive_. Gritting his teeth as a stray cutting curse sliced across his back, Severus continued ducking from cover to cover. The battle was soon enough left behind him. He was losing blood too quickly, but he knew if he could just get to the edge of the veil, if he could just manage that _far_... And then he reached it. Relief flooded him and he gathered what strength he could to get himself back to safety-

“Oh, don't think _you're_ getting out of this!” Avery roared as he grabbed Severus and apparated them away.


	31. You'll Live On

Severus ended up dumped into the snow. He tried to scramble to his feet, but Avery's boot smashed against his head and he fell back down with a pained groan as his head swam. Avery's lip curled with disgust as he kicked him again.

“ _You_ ,” he spat out. “I knew it. I knew a bloody halfblooded brat like you would betray us!”

“What-what are you...”

“ _Shut up when your betters deign to speak to you!_ ”

Another vicious kick and Severus curled in on himself, gasping for breath. Avery leveled his wand and suddenly, Severus' world exploded into red hot pain. It sheered through him like fire, alighting ever nerve with agony. He writhed in the snow, trying to escape inescapable pain as he screamed. His muscles strained, threatening to rip apart under skin that would tear at any minute. Blood coursed down his face as his nose bled.

It ended as quickly as it began. Severus laid on his side, panting harshly as he curled in on himself. The aftershocks of pain raced through him and he shook badly. He could barely feel his extremities at all and his head felt like it was full of cotton.

“Pathetic,” Avery sneered out. Severus managed somehow to get his eyes open and look up at the man. “Absolutely pathetic. Just what I'd expect from muggle spawn.”

Severus coughed up blood when he tried to speak. Avery snorted as he shakily got up to his knees. He looked obscenely pleased to see that and then cast another quiet _crucio_ again. Severus slammed back into the snow screaming. He didn't know how long it continued. The night seemed to go on forever, punctuated only by short seconds of respite between rounds of Cruciatus. It burned and contorted him, drawing soul wrenching screams until his throat was eviscerated and bloody. Soon enough, Severus didn't even try to get up in the intermediary periods. He could barely move, barely breath. He wondered if his heart would give out before Avery got bored of playing with him.

“Not even a tenth of what's owed to you,” Avery growled and knelt down. He grabbed Severus' face roughly, jerking it up to face him. Severus' eyes rolled up slowly, no doubt bloodshot by then. “Look at you. Pathetic little muggle spawn _bastard_. Can't even defend yourself. Not that I expected any better from a halfblooded brat.”

A hard fist across his face opened his lip up. Severus groaned and tried weakly to protect himself, only to have another strike land. Wheezing faintly for breath, mouth tasting like blood from when he'd chewed the inside of his mouth rather viciously, Severus barely managed to roll his head back again and stare back at him. What else _could_ he do? It hurt, everything hurt so much. He wondered if he would ever stop hurting.

“I should just end you right now. It would be a bloody service to the world, ridding it of some idiot, traitorous pup like you.” Avery's dark eyes flickered from his face down his body and back before gaining a thoughtful and even colder look. Severus shivered involuntarily. “But maybe you can be of use to me yet.”

The wind roared with sudden violence as Avery grabbed a handful of his vest and dragged him bodily across the snow. Severus groaned as snow and ice dragged across his back and side, a rock gouging a deep gash into his arm. He couldn't struggle. His limbs felt like dead weights and it was all he could do to keep conscious.

Avery jerked him through the door and sent him sprawling into the center of the room as he slammed the door shut behind him. Severus tried to get up, his body shaking hard with pain and weakness. A book caught him in the side and he fell again with a grunt as he curled up to try and protect himself. He looked through his arms, breathing wheezed through bloody lips, and Avery stared back with his lip curled disgustedly.

“Eager, are you, faggot? My son told me all about you, Snape. About your obsession with that bloody James Potter and Sirius Black. I _know_ you. Your disgusting kind,” Avery sneered. Severus vaguely knew he should be worried, that his meant something horrid, but his head swam dizzily. Another kick came to his face. Severus felt his nose break as his head flew back and blood coursed down his face. He couldn't even manage to scream. “I suppose even an ugly wretch like you is fine for this. You might even _enjoy_ it, you depraved bastard. Last bloody thing you remember before I send you on to the other world.”

Avery grabbed a handful of hair and jerked him onto his belly as he leaned over him. Severus could feel faint heat against his back for a moment as Avery caught up both hands in one of his own. A spell ripped a line down the back of his robes and Severus groaned faintly as it cut into his skin as well. Fresh blood trailed hotly down his back, crossing the deeper wound already there. His vision blurred and he fought not to faint. Not when Avery could and likely would very well kill him after this.

“Already moaning like a whore? Sick _bastard_.”

Severus winced as Avery shoved his split robes from his back. Cold air bit against bared skin and he shuddered violently. He tried weakly to get free but Avery's grip was firm and he was already so close to fainting. Then Avery half ripped his slacks partway down his thighs and it clicked with abrupt horror in Severus's pain addled mind what was happening.

 _Oh God_. Avery meant to...

He was instantly sick at the idea of anyone but Remus touching him and fought with sudden vehemence. Avery grunted as he managed to free one hand and ram an elbow into the man's chest, then Avery grabbed his head and slammed it against the wood floor. Fresh blood ran from a cut above his eye and his vision blacked for a second or two before Severus got hold of himself again.

“Less than you deserve!” Avery snarled and slammed his head down again.

Severus saw stars and for a few precious moments, he couldn't move. He heard Avery fumble with his belt and get it open, heard cloth rustle. Severus got his legs under him and tried to buck the older man but he was too big and Severus too weak. Avery's breathing rasped loudly and Severus felt a burst of absolute terror. He sighted his wand, which he'd managed to keep hold of until they got to the shack. Severus threw his hand out and willed with all his being to reach it as Avery kneed his legs apart.

A moment later, wood smacked against his hand. Severus' fingers curled around his wand and he didn't hesitate at all.

“ _Sectumsempra_!”

Avery screamed and Severus didn't wait to see what he'd hit. He scrambled from under the man and rolled onto his side, wand held up shakily as he dragged his pants back up. There were deep gashes in Avery's chest, bleeding profusely, and two fingers had tumbled to the floor. Avery grabbed for his wand, face pulled with pain and rage, but Severus was faster with adrenaline shooting through him. He cast a second _sectumsempra_ that Avery barely got out of the way of. It shot two deep groves into the adjacent wall and wind roared in from outside. Severus struggled to his feet just as a cutting curse clipped his arm before he could get up a shield. Avery yelled with rage when a stinging curse caught him full in the face.

Severus didn't have the energy for this and he knew it. He was shaking so badly he could barely cast. Gritting his teeth at the power it took to keep up his shield, Severus stumbled for the door. The shield failed just as he got there and he yelled as pain erupted along his back from another landed hex. He fell into the snow but managed somehow to get along the wall and out of direct sight. Severus' head swam as he fumbled at the clasp of his slacks together. He was instantly frozen, ripped as his robes were, but there was little he could do for that just yet.

Avery came out in a rage and stumbled past him in the snow. Severus dragged himself up and moved along the side of the shack, getting to the far side without Avery realizing he was still there. He tried to summon up enough energy to apparate but he was in too much pain and too tired. He stumbled half blind in the snow, leaving the shack behind as he escaped into the forest of naked trees. He heard Avery's enraged bellow echo through the sky and hastened himself as much as he could.

He had to get back to Remus.

Severus's legs went out from under him and he tumbled into a snow drift. He hissed as the cold hurt and numbed him. Had to keep moving, but it was so hard to just get up. His limbs didn't want to obey him. Breathing ached as cold permeated deeply inside.

He didn't notice that he'd closed his eyes until he jerked them open at the sound of movement near by. Somehow, Severus managed to get his wand up. He saw Avery's nearly beastial eyes and cast without thinking. A gash opened up across his throat and face. Avery gagged, hands grabbing up his neck as his lifeblood flowed over his fingers. The body dropped as he continued to bleed out and soon enough fell still.

Severus' breathing was hard and painful. His shaking was lessening as the cold set in and he felt absolutely numbed. He was really going to die this time.

He didn't panic. Severus didn't have the energy to. Besides, he thought he probably deserved to die this way. Lost. Alone.

There was faint noise that caught his attention. Severus listened to the vague voices for white a few minutes before he thought back to the comm pin. He fumbled it out of his pocket, icy fingers barely able to grip at all. He ended up losing his hold on it just after he'd activated it and it dropped in the snow next to his face. He could hear clearly from there anyway, even over the wind.

“ _Severus? Severus, answer me! Goddamn it, Septima, Filius, work faster! SEVERUS!_ ”

Severus smiled, even though it hurt.

“Remus....” he whispered. His throat and face hurt too much for anything better. The voice on the other side cut off abruptly and then began shushing people around him viciously.

“ _Severus! Where are you? I'm coming. I'll -where are you?_ ”

There wouldn't be time. Severus knew that. But still, he felt warm inside at the thought of Remus trouncing through the snow for him. His pack leader was very devoted, wasn't he...?

“Remus,” he whispered again. “I...”

“ _Please, just tell me. I'll be there in a moment, I swear to Merlin, Severus, just tell me where you are._ ”

Severus laughed softly. He heard Remus make a pained noise.

“It's all right, Remus...”

“ _No it's not. It's not at all, Severus, where the hell are you?! Hurry up, Septima! Filius!_ ”

He couldn't feel his body anymore and his eyes felt so heavy and tired. He was going to black out soon. Pity. He'd wanted to talk to Remus a little more.

“ _Severus! Don't stop talking to me! Oh Merlin, how hurt are you? Severus!_ ”

“I'm tired,” he murmured as he let his eyes fall closed. He listened to Remus continue to yell at him, letting the man's voice roll over him like a comforting wave. He thought back to the last calm night they'd had. Remus made love to him so gently and he could still remember the feeling of his arms after, so warm and secure. He smiled again even though it hurt. “Remus... I love you...”

“ _SEVERUS!_ ”

He'd have liked to see Remus before he died, but at least they'd had the time they did. At least he'd been able to tell him he loved him. His consciousness faded with that thought.


	32. Because That's How

Severus awoke to glorious warmth. Thin fingers carded through his hair and his head rested upon a warm lap. He let himself bask in that for quiet a while. No pain, no cold. Wonderful.

“Severus,” murmured a soft, gentle voice. He opened his eyes and looked up. Eileen Snape smiled softly down at him. “There you are, my brave son...”

Severus frowned with confusion. His mother...? He sat up, staring at her. She looked younger, as if the strain of the years had been wiped clean. She was pretty when she smiled, her dark eyes gleaming with health and happiness.

“Mother... how? You're..”

“Yes, Severus.” She reached over, brushing her fingertips down his face. “You already know how.”

He swallowed thickly. “I'm dead.”

“Almost.”

Severus raked a hand back through his hair. He should have cared quite a bit. He didn't. Instead, there was simple a deep inner peace inside him. Severus glanced back at his mother, who was patiently waiting with her hands resting on her knees.

“Are you...” He hesitated, then forced himself to continue. “Are you... all right?”

“Oh, yes,” she murmured, smiling more brightly than she ever had in life. “I'm very happy now. I've missed you, Severus, but... It's peaceful here. So very peaceful.”

He nodded and crossed his legs under him, letting his hands drop limply into his lap. A weight he hadn't realized he'd felt lifted off him.

“Severus,” Eileen called as she shifted closer to him. “It's all right. You did so well. I'm proud of you. More proud than I've ever been before.”

“Proud?” He blinked at her as she began to softly pet his hair. “But I...”

He looked down at his arms and jerked back his left sleeve. The mark on his arm was more of an ugly bruise than a true mark anymore. He couldn't quite see the lines that made up the tattoo. Eileen laid one slim hand over it.

“Severus, you have done things – _terrible_ things – but all in the name of justice and loyalty.” She rested her head against his shoulder. “How can I _not_ forgive such a noble son?”

“There's nothing noble about me,” he insisted. He closed his eyes, laying his hand over hers. “I... I spent all of school fighting with idiots who didn't know better. I coveted another man's wife even after she died. I let you and father die. I joined a _madman_ -”

“Shh...” Eileen pulled him to her and he shivered as his head rest against her chest. His arms wrapped round her tightly. They hadn't embraced this way since he was a small child. “None of that, Severus. You're _human_ , my son. Everyone human makes mistakes and every mistake is forgivable here.”

He might have started crying then, but he didn't acknowledge it. Eileen pet through his hair, rocking him gently like a child.

“You have done the very best you could, Severus,” she murmured softly. “No one could have asked you for more.”

He was definitely crying by then. Eileen held him through it as he gave great, choked sobs against her dress, surely clutching her tightly enough to hurt, but she didn't complain. He didn't know how long it lasted, but afterward, he felt a great peace inside.

“Father, is he..”

“He's here,” Eileen said gently. “But he doesn't have the courage to face you. He wanted me to apologize to you for him. Just like Tobias, isn't it?”

Severus couldn't return the soft smile he heard in her voice. His father? Afraid to see _him_? It was hard to believe, Tobias shying from anything. Unpleasant as he was, he'd always seemed so steady and strong.

“Someday, I hope you can forgive us,” Eileen murmured. Severus lifted his head and stared at her.

“Forgive _you?_ I'm the one that-”

“No.” She smiled sadly and caressed his cheeks with her soft fingers. “No, Severus. There is nothing we have to forgive you for. You've done nothing to warrant it. But we... We wronged you in so many ways.”

“Mother-”

“Let me speak, Severus.” He fell silent without even meaning to. “We were miserable, Tobias and I. We didn't do our best by you and we should have. You deserved more from your parents.”

Severus didn't know what to say to that.

“You should have been loved and cared for and _cherished_. I... I know you didn't get that. And I'll be forever sorry-”

“Stop it.” Severus' voice was strained and hoarse as he dragged her against him. “Don't... Mother, you did all you _could_ for me. I... I couldn't have asked for more from you. There was Grandfather and all of Father's expectations and...”

A faint tremor went down Eileen's back. She held him tightly and whispered against his neck, “Thank you, Severus... That means more to me than you'll ever know...”

They clasped to each other for so long. Severus didn't care about the passage of time. His mother was warm and happy in his arms, at last content with herself and her life. He couldn't have felt happier.

“Severus.”

He stiffened. Even after years of not seeing her, he knew that voice. Slowly, Severus lifted his head, eyes widening as he saw her.

Lily was as beautiful as she had ever been. Her soft red hair gleamed with ethereal light and her lips smiled with a smile just for him. The green outfit she wore brought out her eyes wonderfully. He shivered.

Eileen pulled away slowly and got up, giving them space. Lily stepped closer and held out her hand. As he took it, Severus was amazed at how soft her skin felt. Had she ever been so soft? He rose, speechless.

“It's good to see you, Severus,” she said softly, still smiling for him. “I've missed you.”

“Lily...” He didn't know what to say. He'd failed her so utterly.

“Stop that, Severus. It's unbecoming of you.” Lily smacked his hand lightly but her eyes were brimming with good feeling. “No need to look at me so sadly. This is a happy reunion. I'm not here to condemn you.”

“I deserve it.”

“What? For loving me? No. I'm not nearly that cruel. I'm not even angry at you for hating James. That... It's understandable.” She sighed a little. “And you did your best to save me. I know you did. Dumbledore never told us who had warned him, but after we died... We knew. You've been a true friend, Severus.”

He swallowed thickly. Lily reached up and took his face in her hands. She drew him down and he followed without question. When her lips reached his, he stopped thinking. She tasted of strawberries and sunshine and her lips were soft as silk. His hands found her own and it was all he could do not to clasp her to him.

Too soon, Lily drew away and smiled so gently at him.

“A reward. You've done better by me than most anyone, Severus.”

He nodded faintly, unable to speak around the lump in his throat. Lily drew her hands back as she took a step away.

“I need to ask one last favor of you,” she murmured. “It won't be easy. What I'm going to ask will be dangerous and full of pain, but you're the only one I can trust with it.”

“Anything,” he said thoughtlessly. “Anything at all. I... My life is yours, Lily.”

“No it isn't.” She smiled. “It belongs to someone else who deserves it far more than I do.”

He didn't quite understand what she meant, but she didn't need him to.

“I want you to watch over Harry,” she said as her expression grew serious. “His life will be hard and painful, but there's nothing I can do for him except hope that the person who loved me best can love him as well.”

“Harry? But I'm-”

“Not for long. They're trying to bring you back even now. Can't you hear their voices?”

Severus frowned in confusion at her and then he heard it. Faint voices, too vague to really get what they were saying or who they belonged to. He looked up into the whiteness surrounding them and tried to concentrate but they were too fleeting. The words flowed together.

“Do I have to go back?” he asked quietly. Leave this? The peace, the quiet... She took his hand.

“I'd like to tell you yes,” she admitted. “But it's your choice, whether you wake up or not.”

Slowly, Severus lowered his gaze down to Lily's face. There was sadness in her eyes and a longing. Not for him, of course, but rather for his choice in going back or not. She'd have returned in a heartbeat if she could and he knew it.

“He's waiting,” he murmured. “Your son.”

“Yes. And so is your Remus,” she replied with a smile. He blinked and then flushed as he glanced off. “Oh, Severus. There's no need to be embarrassed about loving someone. I'm happy for you.”

“I... I'm not sure if he...”

“You'll never know if you don't go back to him, now will you?”

Severus couldn't help but smile faintly at that. Lily leaned up and kissed his cheek, then drew back as Eileen came to clasp his hand.

“I'll be waiting here,” she said, smiling gently. “When it's time and I can meet this boyfriend of yours.”

Severus didn't trust his voice. He took a breath and then let himself wake up.


	33. It's Supposed To Be

Severus opened his eyes. The world was bright and painful and real around him. Vaguely, he remembered something that should have been important, something he needed to do... It escaped him. He felt as if something awesome and lovely had happened but he couldn't for the life of him remember it.

There were voices around him, but the curtains had been pulled shut around him. The infirmary, he guessed from the mixed scents of mint, astringent, and spell work. Severus turned his head to listen better, but tried to move little else. His entire body felt like one bruise.

“....sign of the Carrows,” someone was saying in a hushed tone near the curtain. Severus could just make out their shadow. “Looks like they got away scott free.”

“Damn,” another grouched and Severus knew that voice. Alaster Moody.

“At least we got Rowle and Rookwood. Those idiots will be sharing a cell soon as Snape wakes up to testify.”

A new voice muttered something but it was too quiet for Severus to hear. One of the others shifted uncomfortably.

“Don't say that. Pomfrey says he could wake up any time now.”

No answer, but Severus didn't care to listen anymore. He fell back to sleep.

Sometime later, he woke to darkness. The air was cooler and a faint shiver ran down his back. Severus stared up at the dark ceiling for a while before noticing breathing near by. He turned his head. There was someone in the chair next to his bed, slumped over onto the bed with his head resting on his arms. He knew who it was. He'd never mistake the salt and pepper hair or the particular mix of scents he always found around Remus.

Severus slowly pushed himself up to sit, much as his sore back resisted. He was stifled and though his body felt leaden, he was full of nervous energy. The moon, he realized. It was one night to full. He sighed softly and looked down at the sleeping wizard. Reaching over, he gently brushed Remus' hair from his face.

“You were crying,” Severus whispered to himself as he brushed his fingertips down the tear tracks along his cheek. He frowned. The sleeping man continued to rest. The bags under his eyes told of long nights. Had he been there this whole time, standing vigil?

“It's nice to see you awake, my boy.”

Severus stiffened but he wasn't really surprised to see Dumbledore open the curtain on the other side and step close. He smiled, twinkling blue eyes flickering down to Remus before returning to Severus once more.

“You gave us quite a scare.” Dumbledore conjured up a chair and sat down, making himself comfortable.

“How long was I out?”

“Almost two weeks. We wondered if you would survive the hypothermic shock.”

“Avery cornered me. I had no other choice,” Severus responded. He didn't bother drawing his hand back from carding through Remus' hair.

“Yes, I had wanted to ask you about that...” The old man trailed off and then smiled. “This feels very familiar, doesn't it?”

Severus gave him a confused look. Dumbledore just waved a dismissive hand.

“Forgive me, I feel I may have suffered a brief feeling of senility.” He didn't believe that for a moment, but if Dumbledore didn't want to talk of useless things, he didn't really care. “Avery has been taken care of. Dear Alaster took blame for killing him. It wouldn't do for the remaining Death Eaters to doubt your loyalties any more than they already do.”

“Loyalties? Does that really matter anymore?” Severus frowned darkly. “The Dark Lord is dead. Most of his followers are in Azkaban or dead, if they didn't weasel their way out of things like the Malfoys. Why do I have to keep up this charade? I'm done with it, Dumbledore! I'm finished being a puppet to one person or another. I think twenty-two years is enough service to everyone but myself!”

Dumbledore's expression grew very grave. He said nothing for a long while and Severus thought, for once, that he'd over stepped himself. Then Dumbledore sighed softly and tugged at his beard.

“Not yet,” he murmured so softly that Severus barely heard it. “I'm sorry, Severus, but I will have need of you for a long while after this. It has to be you.”

“Damnit, _why?!_ ” Severus' fingers curled tightly in the sheets. “Why me? Why when I finally have something to _lose?!_ ”

“Do you?”

Severus stiffened. He hadn't meant to say that. He hadn't meant to admit it out loud. Dumbledore reached out and rested his hand over Severus'.

“That's why, Severus.”

He grit his teeth, closing his eyes tightly.

“I don't want to ask it, Severus,” Dumbledore murmured. “But I must. And you promised me your life until the end. I can't give up that obligation yet.”

“The danger is _over._ ”

“No it isn't.” The old man sighed and drew back his hand. “I fear we will soon face a danger greater than we have seen before. One that will rend us to the very foundation. I can't give up any edge the Light may wield when that time comes.”

“Fine. Fine, keep me in your pocket if you wish, but you will give me one concession.”

Dumbledore lifted his gaze, watching him with calm that wasn't quite sincere. Severus lifted his head and pinned a hard glare onto him.

“Put Harry Potter into my care.”

To say the old man looked surprised was an understatement. He stared for quite a few seconds before he could even think to respond.

“Severus-”

“This is not negotiable,” Severus snapped at him. “I won't have Lily's disgraceful sister raise that child. I swore to watch over him. I _vowed_ to. Leave the boy in my care.”

“Severus, he must grow up _innocent!_ As a normal child!”

“He will. I have no intention of letting anyone turn that boy into a soldier. He's Lily's son, Albus. I owe it to him for failing my pack.”

Dumbledore drew a slow, strained breath. “And if I don't acquiesce to this demand?”

“You'll have one less spy for your uncertain, dark future.” Severus was deadly serious. “I refuse to be your pawn otherwise.”

The old man sighed softly. He glanced from Severus to the still sleeping werewolf, and then carefully levered himself up from his chair.

“I will have the necessary paperwork for adoption and change of name,” Dumbledore murmured. He didn't sound pleased, but Severus didn't care. “If the boy is to stay within wizarding society, it is up to you to keep him secret and safe.”

“I have no intention of shutting him away from the rest of the world,” Severus said immediately. Dumbledore gave him a sharp look and he continued. “He will be my son. A Snape, and protected by that name. The details I can manage on my own. After all, it isn't as if my secretive nature is unknown. If I happened to have a secret lover, it wouldn't be at all surprising, now would it?”

Dumbledore's eyes slid to Remus once more. He heaved a sigh. “I will trust your judgment, at least for now, Severus.”

“You don't have to trust me,” Severus retorted, “but as long as you accept this decision, I don't really give a damn.”

The old man snorted faintly. “Someday, you will try my patience to the end, Severus.”

“I look forward to that day, Albus, if only to see you lose your insufferable calm.”

Dumbledore left soon after. Severus felt tension flow out of him as he was left alone in the dark with Remus' steady breathing to soothe him. He thought about waking him, but didn't. Remus needed the rest.

Severus laid back down. Life would be different now. He'd not realized really that the end of Lord Voldemort signaled the end of the war and the end of _having_ to play the pawn. He'd never thought in his wildest dreams that he'd ever have the courage to stand up against Albus Dumbledore.

Lily's eighteen month old son would soon come to live with him. He wondered if Remus would stay. After all, he'd not told Remus before this that he meant to take in the boy. Remus might leave. Severus sighed softly. He would take that if it came.

Somehow, he felt strong enough for once in his life to go on his own.

But maybe Remus would stay. Severus wanted to think that. Maybe they could raise Lily's child together. Merlin knows, Severus would need the help. He had little experience with young children and even less about infants. Still, he knew this was what he was supposed to do. What he _had_ to do.

Perhaps what he'd been born to do.

Tomorrow, Severus decided, he would worry about Harry and adoptions and raising toddlers. Tomorrow, he would worry about the fall out of the Death Eater activities and his dubious alliances. Tomorrow, he would face the world and all it decided to throw at him.

Severus rested his hand in Remus' hair, comforted by the familiar, rough texture. He listened to Remus' soft, even breathing and let his own fall into the same pattern as Remus' soft scent rolled over him.

Maybe Remus would stay. Severus closed his eyes. He'd be all right if he didn't, but... He didn't want to just be all right. He wanted to be happy. For once, he thought he might deserve to be.

The world was still frightening. Still dangerous. Still utterly infuriating. Severus didn't care. He would carve out his section of it, small as that might be, and fight tooth and nail to keep it just the way he wanted. If Remus stayed, he could be there with him and Severus would fight to keep him as well. It seemed like a pipe dream when he imagined how things could come together.

Severus decided that, for once, a pipe dream was just fine.


End file.
